Waiting for Bambino

Summer!

2011-07-16T16:38:00.003-06:00

I guess posting every six months is better than not posting at all. In all honesty, I should be working right now but the universe gave me a gift of a super long oil-change and the inability to connect to my work computer at the moment- so I'm taking advantage of the time to revisit this blog.

Nora changes by leaps and bounds almost daily it seems. She's 22 months and a toddler to the core. She's super active, chatty and fun but she also has her toddler moments complete with glaring at me and saying "no mama, mama stop!" We have our hands full but we wouldn't ask for it any other way.

I've been thoroughly enjoying this stage. Nora is so much fun and has such a happy and vivacious spirit. She is chatting up a storm and loves to point out everything in her environment. Her verbal skills are so incredible. She said her first completely thought out sentence today when she asked me, "Where did Bentley (our dog) go?". She's been saying "I love you" but that's more of a phrase that she knows and one that I, of course, love to hear often.

I've found that since she's turned 18 months I've been somewhat melancholy about how quickly each stage goes and how quickly she changes. I wish I had much more time to spend with her as I know that these days and moments are precious and are so short-lived. We're doing our best to fully enjoy all summer has to offer and create many fun memories along the way.

Life Update and Home Study

2011-03-06T08:36:00.004-07:00

There are many days that I really miss blogging and keeping up with all of my bloggy friends, but, sadly, my new reality is too few hours in the day to even maintain order let alone find time for hobbies. This morning is a rare exception as Joel took Nora to go see his parents. I blazed through our taxes (yeah adoption tax credit!) and now I find myself with a nice little caffeine buzz and a few minutes of free time - hooray!

Life has been so hectic but fun. I started a new job right around the holidays and that has me pretty much exhausted. It's a demanding job with a learning curve but I'm definitely enjoying it. I'm also proud of myself for maintaining pretty decent boundaries around leaving in time to be able to spend some time with Nora and put her to bed (which is remarkable considering that she goes to bed around 6:30 pm and I have a 30 minute commute).

Nora is fantastic and is learning and growing every day. She literally adds a new word to her vocabulary daily and is constantly surprising me by what she knows. She loves to recite all of her body parts and she'll often look down at a shirt and point to the design and say "heart" or "bird". It's so incredible how quickly they learn at this age. At the end of this month she'll be 18 months- so hard to believe. The baby days seem like an eon ago when they were just not so many months ago.

In the midst of all the craziness of life, we decided that it was time to start the process to adopt again. We submitted our paperwork at the end of last year and just had our home study on Thursday. It's interesting how things change. The house was tidy but far from clean. I was on a business trip much of the week before and then there is only so much time on the weekend since I try to make it a priority to spend time with Nora on the weekend. It's funny how my ego and priorities have shifted in not being so obsessed with the condition of our home. It was sort of freeing. Clearly, we wanted it to be clean but it wasn't "scrub the baseboards" clean which is what I would have preferred. My new way of operating is something has to give and the orderliness of our house has become that thing.

The most ironic part of our home visit was that Nora hit her head at daycare earlier in the week and had a huge yellow-blue bruise in the middle of her forehead. What are the odds of the timing? Our caseworker is fantastic but I kept the accident report just in case. Nothing like a visit when your child's forehead is black and blue! Luckily, Nora wasn't hurt and just had a black and blue mark to show for the continuing development of her spatial sense. (I'm uploading a photo from her first haircut yesterday).

The wait for #2 is going to be long so I don't think that Joel and I are even processing the adoption much yet. I know that our caseworker was probably shocked by my lack of Type A questioning but I think it doesn't seem real yet. I'm sure once we delve into the dreaded checklist again it will all seem very real.

It's going to be interesting this next time around as our next child's story will be so different. We have had a pretty amazing adoption experience with Nora and I'm a little worried about what that can mean for #2 but we're ready for the ride!

Milestones

2010-11-26T06:42:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty significant day for Nora. I've noticed in parenthood how things will be status quo for a little bit and then all of a sudden your child will surprise you by doing things that you had no idea that they knew how to do. I've had this experience a lot recently with Nora as all of a sudden, she's helping to dress herself or will only eat if she's trying to feed herself.

I was very grateful to have a great morning with her yesterday before all of the festivities began. We were playing on the floor with her little farm when I noticed that she paused playing and was making some tell-tale grunting noises (she's going to hate me if this is around in about 12 years). I've been trying to teach her sign language but it's been hard to tell if it's working. She then looked at me and gave me the sign for "diaper change". (Yes, the potty story was going somewhere).

She then started mimicking eating and then tried to feed me. We haven't taught her that sign but luckily I'm a pretty good guesser. Of course, after the diaper change, we had a little snack. It's so interesting how she just woke up yesterday with so many new communication skills.

We had a great Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house and, of course, Nora loved being the center of attention. While we were there she began to walk more than she's ever walked before. Usually, she needs prompting and will take about 6 steps before falling and crawling. Yesterday afternoon she walked across a room many times between Joel and I. She's not been a baby who is chomping at the bit to walk so I don't think she's going to all of a sudden be sprinting around the house but it was fun to see her take some steps and actually balance and catch herself several times.

I'm grateful to have a nice long weekend to spend with her.

Jen Time!

2010-11-24T12:54:00.002-07:00

It's been a complete whirlwind of a couple of weeks! I had my business trip that ended in an emergency landing in Atlanta, a close friend in town, a big event over the weekend and lots of life changes. To say that I am feeling drained is an understatement. I've spent my morning working- and there is still plenty more to do- but right now I'm sneaking some time away at a coffee shop I used to frequent in my younger days. The view of downtown is gone but the latte and sandwich with olive tapenade are still the same.

I was tempted to feel guilty by Nora being at daycare, my messy house, piles of work, friends who deserve a phone call and all other things that compete for your time but, instead, I've decided to enjoy this moment and this time. Taking some time alone to regroup is so important and something that is so rare in motherhood. I'm thoroughly enjoying!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Leaving Nora

2010-11-09T07:10:00.003-07:00

I have a conference for work this week. I'm leaving this morning and won't be back until Saturday. This will definitely be the longest I've been away from Nora and I'm sort of dreading it. Last March when I attended a conference, Nora was still a baby and I didn't really mind the short break (and sleep!) that I was getting. However, Nora is so much fun now and so aware that I'm not looking forward to being gone for such a long time.

Nora is beginning to walk a bit. She usually takes about 5-6 steps with our encouragement. She thrusts all her weight full steam ahead like a little drunken sailor and usually goes careening into the floor. It's strange to think that she could possibly be walking by the time I return on Saturday. I've seen her first steps and my theory is that when I see it it's the first time- the mantra of a working mom.

I know I'll enjoy the conference and time with colleagues once I'm there. It's just I'll be a little more homesick than usual.

Date Night and Slumber Parties

2010-11-04T19:47:00.001-06:00

I am so ecstatic that Joel and I are having a date night tomorrow night and Nora is going to have a slumber party with grandma and grandpa.

It's been way too long since Joel and I have been on a date. Our last date night was derailed by a stomach bug. The timing this time is perfect - it's right between Joel's birthday and our anniversary. We're going to pretend we're 25 again - or at least 30. We may even stay up until 11 pm and sleep until 8 am!

I've been dying to try a new gastropub in town so we're going to start there and then see where the night takes us. I can't really describe how excited I am to go out.

C Student

2010-10-23T14:47:00.004-06:00

Being a working mom is a hard job. Being a mom alone is a challenge but then adding a full 40+ hours of work, friends, family and life on top of that and it's impossible to really do a good job at any of it. I used to be an "A" student in my life. I'd send cards in a timely manner, keep the house somewhat organized, be an attentive wife and generally be on top of things. Now, I'm a C student bordering on a D+ in all aspects of my life and I'm coming to accept it.

Some months I excel in some areas more than others but I'm coming to realize that good enough is going to have to be good enough - there are only so many hours in the day. Maybe this is what adjusting to new roles in life is all about - making room for those new roles and letting go of all of the rest. This new attitude is a work in progress but it is refreshing to realize one person can all do so much.

Life at Warp Speed

2010-10-16T06:13:00.003-06:00

This summer went so quickly that I found it really hard to find the time to blog. Between work, vacations and everything that needed to be done around the house, I found no time to write.

I'm hoping that fall brings a little bit more quiet. I put the garden to bed yesterday and will be planting a ground cover and garlic this weekend; putting to rest an enjoyable, but time consuming, hobby. I've frozen or dried much of our bounty and look forward to enjoying it throughout the winter.

We've also been incredibly sick at our house. Daycare is certainly helping to build Nora's immune system. I've had strep, pink eye, a sinus infection and the stomach flu all within the last six weeks. Joel is on round two of strep this weekend after we all had the stomach flu last weekend. The illness in our home is beginning to wear on me as it happens exclusively on vacation or the weekends. It's been frustrating on many levels but particularly because I've had many friends have babies recently and I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to spend any time with them because my family is constantly infected with something. I know this will all pass and in a year we won't be quite as ill but I'm starting to get a little worn down by the constant string of bugs going through our house.

On a positive note, Joel is feeling a touch better and if he wakes up feeling up to it, we'll try to head off to a pumpkin patch today. I've been wanting to partake in this fall activity since we began waiting for a child, so, I'll be sure to post lots of great photos if the illness gods are smiling on us today.

Since I've been very delinquent posting photos for our vacation. I thought I'd include one from our recent trip to Costa Rica.

Nora's First Birthday

2010-10-03T18:19:00.011-06:00

Nora's first birthday was on Thursday. The day itself was not remarkable, as sadly, I had to work. Luckily, Nora is too young to know any different and we made up for it with two parties this weekend which were both so much fun. It made me feel so grateful for the amazing people that we have in our lives.

I had some emotions on Nora's actual birthday that caught me by surprise. I found myself thinking about C and J a lot and the emotions that I was feeling on that day a year ago. We had so much anxiety and uncertainty in the hospital and I certainly did not feel like Nora's mom, really, at that point. I had the same bitter-sweet feeling that I had the day she was officially placed in our arms by C and J. Very happy for us and feeling sadness over the loss that C and J and, likely Nora, were feeling.

I'm not sure if biological moms feel an ownership over their child's birthday or if the first year is intense for them as well. Nora's birthday brought up a lot of unexpected emotion for me. I'm sure with future birthdays the feelings will be much different.. I'm sure as Nora becomes more aware of her birthday it will begin to take on new meaning. Of course, there are lots of birthday festivities that I'm excited to blog about but, this being an adoption blog, I thought I'd blog about some of the feelings I had on her birthday.

Luckily, I have C and J's email and was able to send them a not on Nora's birthday. I'm grateful for a good email exchange with C and J and I'm happy that we have a date set to see them again soon. And, of course, more than anything, I'm grateful for this first year of Nora's life.

Travel Advice Needed

2010-09-05T18:46:00.002-06:00

I have been a really bad blogger lately- and a really bad a lot of things to be honest- but that will have to wait for a later post.

We're about to embark on our first air travel trip with Nora and I need advice from some seasoned mom-travelers. Here is our scenario (thank the Lord this is all the same time zone):

Leave our home at 9:00 am
Flight leaves airport at 11:20 am and arrives destination 2:44 pm
Layover- 2:44 pm - 5:10 pm
Arrive destination: 7:40 pm
Go through customs, get rental car, leave airport: 8:4o pm
Arrive resort 10:40 pm

This schedule makes me feel like I'm going to need a week on the beach to recuperate from our travel. I know it's totally do-able with some good planning, so, I'm counting on all of you moms to give me some expert advice on traveling with an 11 month old by car, plane and 4WD.

Thanks in advance for any tricks you might have!

The Call

2010-08-07T09:31:00.001-06:00

One year ago today I received a call while I was at work to let me know that I was finally going to be a mother. Joel and I had been selected by birthparents to parent their baby girl that was due in September. I remember being filled with excitement and panic all at once and how we got to work right away on figuring out what needed to be done to our newly purchased house to get ready for bambino.

It's crazy to think that a year has passed since that initial introduction to our daughter, Nora. I look at her now and each day she looks less like a baby and more like a little girl. The time is moving so quickly, yet, I'm savoring each moment and each stage. I feel beyond blessed to have received that call and to have Nora as my daughter.

"Die" My Baby Tells Me

2010-07-11T16:19:00.005-06:00

So, Nora is officially a chatter box and is trying to put together lots of combinations of words. Her favorite remains "hi". She likes trying out different sounds and syllables. Her new favorite word today is "die". She's trying out the "d" sound with "hi". The result is all day my super cute, sweet baby has been very distinctly saying "die, die, die."

She has a really cute high pitched voice and "die" is all that is being produced by it. I couldn't help cracking up this morning when she was happily playing with her toys saying "die, die, die, die" and then slowly fading into a really creepy whispery "die, die". I'm sure it will evolve into something else tomorrow but it's been pretty surreal running errands with her all day while she's been wishing me dead. Good thing I have a twisted sense of humor.

Big Girl!

2010-07-10T07:32:00.003-06:00

There seems to be weeks where all is status quo with Nora and then there are weeks and even days where things change literally by the moment. The biggest, most exciting change (for me) came a couple of weeks ago when she FINALLY began sleeping through the night. I feel like an entirely new person now that I'm getting some sleep. And my baby who has never napped is beginning to take 1-3 one hour naps a day. This is heavenly and she's in such a better mood for it!

This week Nora has changed exponentially. Her army crawl has a lot of gusto and she'll actually grunt and laugh as she's chasing the dog at full speed (poor dog). She's also learned to sit up on her own. She does this through very unusual means. She's really really flexible and actually does the splits and then pushes herself up. It's pretty amazing. She's also beginning to (inconsistently) pull herself up on our couch. All these changes took place in a matter of days. One morning Joel went in her room to get her up and she was just sitting there.

She's so much fun and has so much personality. Her first official word (since I don't think she's using mama and dada in context) is "hi". She says hi to everyone and everything. She's also begun to say "wow" which is really appropriate for this little firecracker. The baby sign language hasn't really kicked in yet even though we've been using it fairly consistently; however, she has begun to clap which is soooo cute! She especially likes impromptu family dance parties in the kitchen. I think she thinks my dancing is hilarious (and it is).

Baby Mug Shot

2010-07-03T09:01:00.005-06:00

I think we've finally slogged through all of Nora's post-adoption paper work and our little girl has been officially registered, tracked and noted by the U.S. government. She's got her birth certificate, social security card and we have just applied for her passport. Holy paper work!

I'm so glad we were able to take care of her passport yesterday. Joel and I had to go together to apply in person. We both work at complete opposite ends of the city and the office hours at the post office for passports are 9:30 - 3, not exactly convenient if you both work. Luckily, we both were able to take off early and met at the post office at 2:30. We got in line and were laughing as there were two other families with babies in front of us.

Nora got her photo taken and it was perfect. All humans must instinctively know to give the mug shot/deer in the headlights look for government issued IDs. Nora completely nailed it and has joined the ranks of all of her fellow Americans with the same crazy look in all of their ID photos. (I actually am smiling and look happy in my driver's license and it freaks people out. I get a lot of comments.)

So, Nora is going to receive her passport in three weeks and will then be ready for her first trip to Costa Rica in September.

Colorado Card Revoked

2010-06-29T19:51:00.005-06:00

We've had a lot going on with Nora over the last month. First and foremost, we're all finally healthy and had our first weekend with no illness in months. We had a great day on Sunday when we celebrated a friend's birthday with a hike up to Devil's Head along the Rampart Range of Colorado. (Here's a link to the trail for my Colorado folks.) This was our first hike with Nora and she's almost 9 months old! I think I'm going to have my Colorado-native citizenship revoked for waiting an entire 9 months to take Nora hiking. This my friends, is blasphemy in my fair state.

Nora had a great time on the hike. Joel had her in a hiking backpack that had her slightly elevated so that she could see out. She stayed awake for the entire hike and always made sure to look back to see if mommy was still bringing up the rear. It was so fun to be able to have her experience the outdoors and get outside and enjoy some sunshine and fresh air. Hopefully, this is just the first of many hikes this summer. We're hoping to get up to the mountains a lot more- especially to do some mushroom hunting. It feels so good to be out and about and healthy again!

P.S. My friend has all the photos on her camera so I will post when I get them.
P.P.S I had really hoped to post this as a Perfect Moment Monday but alas it's Tuesday- maybe next week!

Sister Time!

2010-06-17T07:00:00.007-06:00

As a surprise for my mom, I arranged for my sister to fly out for tea this last weekend. Since I know my mom reads my blog,, I couldn't mention how EXCITED I was for my sister to come out and I especially couldn't mention that we'd then be going on a trip to celebrate her 30th birthday.

My mom was completely surprised to see my sister on Saturday which was great. We then enjoyed a phenomenal tea together. My sister and I then headed to New Mexico the following afternoon. We stayed at Ojo Caliente hot springs and it was fantastic for the first day. We enjoyed a soak, went to Taos, toured some earthships and then headed back to the room for a great dinner of cheese, olives, meats and wine. Sadly, that evening, my sister came down with the stomach flu. She slept most of the next day and we headed back home yesterday. Of all places, it was definitely the best location to be sick since all there was to do was relax anyway. I felt bad for her that she wasn't really able to celebrate her birthday.

We feel that there may be some sort of curse against Stephanie visiting NM. Years ago we had a trip to Ojo planned and Steph came home with mono. I got sick Saturday morning but miraculously rallied but poor Steph really got hit with the flu. Despite all the illness, it was still great to be together and spend time with one of my favorite people.

Girl Day

2010-06-11T20:45:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow Nora, my mom, Joel's mom and I are all going to have afternoon tea at a local hotel famous for their traditional tea service (although I usually have the champagne). It's our post-Mother's Day mom outing and I'm really looking forward to a relaxing afternoon with the ladies. It feels like life is coming at me at a million miles an hour and I just can't keep up. Taking a little hiatus and enjoying time with the family will be perfect.

I'll try to be good and post some tea photos tomorrow.

Sickness Round 2

2010-06-06T11:27:00.003-06:00

After thinking I was finally in the clear after well over a month and a half of sickness - it began again. Thursday Nora threw up at daycare. Since babies can be a little pukey, I didn't get a call and they thought nothing of it. Thursday evening I fed Nora her brown rice and peas and a half-hour later, she started coughing so violently that she began to gag and projectile vomited peas all over me, herself, our couch, coffee table, rug and everything else in a 5 ft. radius. It was really scary as she was gagging and gasping. I ran to get Joel in the garage with peas all over Nora and I from head to toe and promptly called the after-hours line at her pediatrician. Nora was then sick throughout the night with vomiting and a fever but my biggest concern was her cough which she has had off an on for awhile.

I called the pediatrician's office the moment they opened the next morning and got her the first appointment of the day. I'd already missed three days of work last week before with her last cold so I had my mom come over to watch her and come to the pediatrician's office with me so she could hear what needed to be done for the day. (What a great mom!). I have literally been to the pediatricians office almost once a week and was beginning to feel like an over-the-top paranoid mom. However, my instincts were correct. Nora has bronchitis and is now on a course of amoxicilin. My mom and I finished our appointment when we got home Joel was coming through the door. He went to work and left an hour later with a stomach bug. He went straight to bed and my mom watched Nora and I reluctantly went into work.

I left work a little early to get back and take over for my mom and take care of Nora. I stopped at the grocery store for provisions and laughed at my cart. Everyone else had fixings for a bbq or dinner for the night. I had Pedialyte, infant Motrin, Boudreaux's Butt Paste, chicken soup, Sprite and crackers. Joel and Nora are both slowly on the mend and I'm really ready for an illness free weekend! Fingers crossed for next weekend.

Gardening

2010-05-31T07:34:00.011-06:00

I love to garden. I discovered gardening a few years ago when we were still living in a north-facing high-rise where we could barely grow shade plants on our balcony. My husband mentioned to me that a friend of his was going to be joining a community garden and did we want to join as well. I knew nothing of gardening but I do love the Farmer's Market and cooking so figured I'd give it a go.

Our community garden was about a mile from our house as they are fairly popular and it was the only one we could get in to. Coincidentally, or not so much, we were given a plot that was literally a weedy field. Joel went to great lengths tilling and prepping the soil, adding organic matter and breaking up the clay. We sowed our seeds and watched the plants begin to emerge. I was completely hooked.

This was the same time that we were on the tail-end of fertility treatments and were beginning to explore adoption. With no control over my own ornery and stubborn fertility it was nice to be able to have a small hand in creating and producing something.

It was an extremely therapeutic hobby. I loved quiet mornings by myself in the garden weeding and monitoring the progress of our food. We grew lettuce, carrots, beets, Swiss chard, broccoli and a lot of herbs. I decided that gardening was the perfect hobby for me. We stayed in the community garden for a couple of years. There were high and low points of being a in a community garden. There was a lot of theft of vegetables, vandalism and water would arbitrarily be turned off. This wasn't the best experience for someone projecting their fertility onto a plot of land.

Last year when we bought our house, we still had a large plot in the community garden and the owners of the home we bought had planted a small garden with squash, eggplant, tomatoes, kale and lettuce. We had two gardens and it was heavenly.

This year we are focusing on the garden in our own backyard and freeing our space in the community garden for someone else. Joel spent last weekend preparing raised bed boxes and we've been growing our seedlings since February. Nora, still a bit sleepy from being sick, took a two hour nap and we were able to plant most of the garden. It was such a great experience for Joel and I to have time together and to know that we won't be making runs to the grocery store for produce all summer. I've already begun to harvest the lettuce and peas that I planted in March and the Swiss chard isn't too far behind. I'm so excited to have our own garden right outside our back door this year and I can't wait to share my love of gardening, cooking, food and eating with Nora.

Meetings and Sickness

2010-05-31T06:57:00.004-06:00

It's been a crazy week and a half in our house and I've had so many things to blog about but so little time.

The first is that I had the opportunity to meet a bloggy friend for a beer a little over a week ago and it was great to chat and discuss adoption and our lives. It's so amazing how you can meet so many interesting and great people through blogging.

We met with C and J a little less than a week ago. It was a good meeting but in the evening so Nora was a little tired and fussy. They are doing great and it was such a relief to see. We exchanged email addresses so communication in the future will be far easier. Now, if they want to see Nora or if we want to ask them a question we won't be playing telephone through our agency. I feel blessed to have such a good relationship with them and to really like them.

The morning after meeting C and J I took Nora to daycare as usual and headed off to work. It takes me an hour from when I leave my house to get Nora to daycare and get to work. I had just reached the parking lot when I got a call from daycare that Nora had a low fever. I assumed she was just teething since she hasn't cut any teeth yet. I walked into work and a few minutes later got a call that she was lethargic, pale and her fever was 101.6. I turned around and went to go get her. Nora was then sick with a fever for four days straight. She's never had a fever before and it was really disconcerting to see her so lethargic and hot. Her top temperature was 104. Nora isn't a snugly baby so I could really tell that she was sick when I held her for days on end and that's all she wanted. Usually, if I hold her for more than a few minutes, she squeals and arches her back to be put down. She's doing much better now but it's been an exhausting week/end. I think this is the curse of daycare. She's moving to another room and has been transitioning so I think she's transitioned into all the new germs too. The upside, I guess, is that we both survived and when she's school aged all these bugs will be nothing to her.

Clean

2010-05-18T07:28:00.005-06:00

I got so much done yesterday on my day off that I feel like a whole new person. I made a book for Nora all about her adoption on Shutter.fly, picked up the dry cleaning, bought the dog his special food at the dog food store that's almost never open, picked up some prescriptions, ran to the grocery store, deep cleaned the entire house and hosted a wine and cheese happy hour for my parents (who just got back from a trip and were dying to see Nora) and finished it off with homemade soup. Whew! Done! (I promise I'm not on meth - waking up at 5 am with Nora helps to give you a head start on the day).

Today, Joel fed Nora at 5 am and she went back down until 7 AM! Hooray! I woke up to a happy baby and an amazing latte that Joel made for me. Even though it's a little bit cloudy today I can already tell Nora and I are going to have an amazing day off together. It's remarkable what a couple of days off can do for you.

P.S. The image is a piece from my thesis show. I found it to be ironic and funny when I glanced up at it while mopping. What little I knew in college.

I Need a Wife

2010-05-16T09:37:00.006-06:00

Joel and I have been watching the HBO series on polygamy, Big Love, and it's got me thinking that I need a wife. It's impossible for me to work, take care of Nora and make sure that the house is in order. I also am not great at some domestic tasks. I'm a great cook and I can clean but it took me an obscenely long time to fix the hem in my pants and iron them. So, I'm looking for a wife.

Not just any wife, either. I can't have a clone of myself. I'm a twenty-first century wife with some domestic skills and a good education but I need a pioneer woman to complete our family. I need a wife who is hardy, knows how to darn a sock and hem pants and use an iron. Until we're able to time travel, embrace polygamy and add said woman to our family, I think our house will always just barely be clean, pants will be taken to the alterations place, shirts will be taken to the dry cleaner to be ironed and closets will never really be organized.

Joel's a great man and does a lot around the house but even the best of men can't multi-task and get things done like a woman. I'm taking applications for anyone interested. Your payment is great home-cooked meals, time with a super-cute baby and lots of love and admiration from this domestically-challenged woman.

Exhausted

2010-05-15T07:48:00.003-06:00

This week being a working mom has really caught up with me. I've felt sick all week alternating between a sinus issue and a stomach bug but in reality I think I'm just exhausted. Work has been really busy and has included evenings and weekends and I think I'm just super tired. The good news is I have a few hours of work today and then I'm off on Monday and Tuesday. Hooray!

It's a sad state of affairs when you are fantasizing about mopping your floors and organizing your closets but I'm really looking forward to getting my life back in order. I'm also looking forward to putting together a book for Nora that tells her adoption story. I know I have a lot on the list for just a few days off but I'm really looking forward to even crossing a few things off that long list.

Nora seems like she's grown so much in the past week. She is now in her 6 month clothes (almost at 8 months) and seems to have gotten longer. Her speed at rolling across the floor and grabbing things is also astounding and literally changed over night. I can't take my eyes off of her for even a second or she's rolled across the floor and has grabbed my purse or is about to grab a bone out of the dog's bed. It's so incredible how much she changes each day.

A Day Late

2010-05-09T07:40:00.004-06:00

I had no idea that yesterday was Bithmother's Day. I'm so glad I follow so many blogs of so many with-it people so that I was able to find out this important piece of information. So, in typical Jen fashion, I'm going to be a little backwards. (After all, I was the only kid in my kindergarten class who insisted on painting the candy cane in my art project blue). So, Mother's Day post yesterday and Birthmother's Day post today.

As I alluded to yesterday in my Mother's Day post, church has always been a sore spot for me on Mother's Day. I think the uninterrupted hour to think sometimes puts me in a special place. Yesterday, I found myself feeling very emotional thinking of C. on this day. She's a strong woman and I know she'll put on a strong face for today as she likely celebrates with her family but I'm sue this day is very hard for her. It's hard to know that she's likely having the very opposite experience of myself this day. She's having the experience I've had for many years with a different level of grief added to it thinking about an actual baby, Nora, on this day.

We correspond with C and J every few months through the agency and offered a time to get together. I hadn't heard from C and J and was sad and disappointed thinking that they didn't want to see us. I also know that the process is hard and will ebb and flow and I wanted to respect wherever they were at in their lives.

Our caseworker contacted us last week and said that they wanted to get together this Wednesday. So, I'm very pleased that they will get to see Nora in a few short days. Perhaps, this makes today a little easier for C or maybe not. At least I'll be able to wish her a Happy Birthmother's Day in person and she'll get some important time with Nora.

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T08:34:00.008-06:00

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about Mother's Day this year. I remember the feeling of excitement on the Mother's Day when we were first trying to get pregnant and my anticipation of celebrating the next year with a baby of my own. The subsequent Mother's Days during infertility and the adoption wait were always a mix of some glimmer of hope, sadness and frustration. Going to church on Mother's Day felt like the ultimate torture as the church was crammed with families, babies and moms. It was so hard and it took everything in my power for me not to burst into tears being surrounded by so many moms and in many ways being angry at God and the universe for the fact that I too couldn't be a mom.

Mother's Day to me this year seems more exciting than Christmas. I've been waiting so long to celebrate this holiday with a child of my own and I left work on Friday giddy to celebrate with all of the other moms on Sunday. It's such a special holiday to me this year and one that I feel privileged to celebrate for the first time.

My thoughts will be with all of those who are still waiting to celebrate their first Mother's Day. I know what a painful holiday it can be.

Finally, a HUGE congratulations to E on celebrating her first Mother's Day! I've followed E for such a long time and I'm so ecstatic for her to, as she put it, finally be a mom!

Places to Go Things to Do

2010-05-01T09:10:00.000-06:00

I have an active baby. I suspected that this might be the case but since I have never had a baby before I had no basis for comparison. However, I started to hear a common theme when picking up or dropping off Nora at daycare. "That little girl is active", "I wish I had half her energy"; "You better put her in track when she gets older". Nora hit the energy jackpot.

Nora's disposition is phenomenal. She's always happy and inquisitive and active. However, this little girl does not nap. If we're all lucky, she takes two 20 minute naps a day. At home, at daycare, doesn't matter. This little girl has places to go and things to do. There's always a limb in motion at all times. We laugh that she's the only baby we know with a six pack because she does incessant leg lifts.

I LOVE her activity level; however, the lack of naps has been wearing on us. I can tell Nora's tired but she just won't go down for longer than 20 minutes. I was completely shocked and amazed when I picked her up from daycare and they told me that she took a 1.5 hour nap and a 45 minute nap. Yesterday my mom was watching her and she slept 2 hours! She still has her abundant energy but she might become a more well-rested baby. I'm wondering and hoping that maybe we've turned a corner and she might get some of that precious sleep that she needs.

Lack of sleep aside, I feel so fortunate that Nora is my daughter. She has the sunniest most fun disposition and her energy level is actually a perfect match for women on my side of the family. Poor Joel has always been overwhelmed by all the estrogen-energy in my family and it looks like that legacy is going to continue with Nora.

Life in Photos

2010-04-29T17:26:00.011-06:00

I've really missed blogging lately but my life has been jam-packed between work and mommy-hood and I want to soak up every moment I can with Nora.

We were fortunate to have a good friend of ours, Krzysztof, drop by one Saturday morning to help my husband brew. We were particularly fortunate because Krzy is an amazing photographer and happened to bring along his camera. The unfortunate part is that I hadn't showered or really even dressed for the occasion let alone put on makeup. So, please enjoy the lovely photos of my daughter and be kind with my un-showered, un-make-uped shots. Also, I'd like to put in a shameless plug for our friend. If anyone lives in Denver, here's his website: Leaffoto

I thought these photos would serve as a good visual representation of our life over the last few weeks.

We're Officially a Family!

2010-04-17T08:39:00.005-06:00

On Tuesday, our adoption was finalized. This date hasn't been emotionally significant to me but it's been a nice marker for the end of the formalized process. I felt like Nora was our daughter when, like a deer in the headlights, we left the hospital and I scolded myself for swearing on the way home and anxiously made sure that no one on the road was going to put her precious life in danger.

The first weeks were surreal as we went from a couple with no children to a family but Nora felt like "ours" all the while. This was a luxury we were afforded by how amazing C and J have been through this process and their maturity and selflessness. This entire process could have felt much different and I'm blessed that we have had the experience that we have had.

Nora woke up at 4:30 am on the day of her finalization. (Daycare has thrown her sleep for a loop and she still hasn't slept through the night). I brought her downstairs on the couch to lay with her and held her back to sleep for an hour or so. It was such precious time for me to think of how blessed I am to have this beautiful and remarkable daughter. It's sometimes hard for me to realize that I get to be her mother. I notice that I refer to myself as mommy maybe a little bit more than other moms. I think it's because sometimes it's hard for me to believe that this is my life and I have the privilege of being a mother to Nora.

My sister and brother-in-law flew out to take part in her finalization. So, the house was soon crazy with four adults trying to get ready and get out the door by 6:45 am. Joel's parents were going to follow us to the court house so they were at our house as well in the midst of utter chaos. My house was a disaster and we were were all in an insane whirlwind trying to leave. I got Nora dressed and realized I lost her shoe that matched with her dress. We searched frantically for it and ended up on Plan B. Finally, we were all in the car and on our way to the courthouse.

We got to the courthouse in plenty of time and waited in line to get through security. I justified why all of us had a million cameras when they aren't normally allowed and we all proceeded into the courthouse. Just as we passed through security, I saw our caseworker. When she called my name and I saw her the emotion of the day hit me and I almost burst into tears. I was, honestly, surprised by my reaction. I think it was because our caseworker has been part of the entire process with us and the journey we had been through somehow became very real to me. Plus, I like our caseworker and realized we wouldn't really be seeing her much anymore (and as a result my house will never quite be as clean).

We proceeded to the court room and as I crossed the threshold Nora had a complete meltdown. She gets overly tired and looses it so I spent a few minutes walking through the courtroom with her in the Ergo Carrier. She finally fell asleep. The line for security was so long that the adoption case that was supposed to be before us wasn't there yet. Also, our judge wasn't there. They found a new judge (who I think was better than the original based on feedback I heard) and they decided to have us go first.

It wasn't quite like I imagined. The entire process was very fast and Nora was sound asleep through the entire process. I pictured photos of all of us calmly smiling with the judge but Joel and I were both stressed out because of the crazy timing and Nora's meltdown and Nora was sound asleep. The judge was kind enough to take a photo with us and he shared with us that he's an adoptive father of two children from Korea.

Our families then went to brunch to celebrate Nora and our new family. I felt blessed to be surrounded by our loved ones who are so happy to be celebrating Nora and who love her so dearly.

(I'm having trouble with my email so photo to come later).

Daycare

2010-04-12T06:42:00.004-06:00

I think the title of this post explains why I haven't updated my blog in a few weeks. Nora started daycare on Monday. Dropping her off was predictably hard and horrible. I'm not one to cry or display that sort of emotion in public and it took everything in my power for my voice not to crack and to hold it together until I got to my car to burst into tears after dropping her off. Nora, on the other hand, was perfectly content. I placed her on a play mat and she made her funny growling noises while looking at the other kids and seemed totally fine.

Nora's transition to daycare has been okay. She isn't eating like she was and there were a few days where she napped for 10 minutes TOTAL all day. She's really hard to get to nap at home so that didn't really surprise me. She was almost sleeping through the night the week before we took her to daycare and now, due to the huge change, she's almost like a newborn getting up for two feedings a night to get in those extra calories. I know it's a transition for everyone and this will become our new normal.

Nora is so much fun now and has so much personality. She's such a happy, good-natured baby and I'm so very lucky. I'm even more lucky because tomorrow is her finalization and she's legally and officially be our daughter!

Back with Baby

2010-03-27T07:41:00.003-06:00

I'm back from a four day trip for work. It's nice to be home even though it's cold and gray here and I was in lovely Santa Barbara. I wish I could figure out a way to instantly become rich to move there. It was over-the-top beautiful.

It was also incredibly amazing to sleep through the night. As much as I didn't want to leave Nora, I had been fantasizing about sleeping through the night on this trip for MONTHS. It was as blissful as I thought and I actually feel like a new person.

I'm back at home and Nora seems a little chubbier and more alert. This just confirms that she changes each and every day. She's definitely cutting teeth and so she isn't as much her usual happy self, but, who can blame her?

Errands with a Baby

2010-03-21T08:06:00.004-06:00

This post is a little bit ridiculous as Nora is almost 6 months old but I am going to admit that I've never really run Saturday errands with her. Joel or I have been on leave at all times so that person would usually go shopping when the other person got home to give them a break. Now we're both exhausted, full-time working parents.

I woke up yesterday with a huge list of errands that needed to be run. I also knew that Joel had wanted to spend the day homebrewing so I was exclusively caring for Nora. I honestly felt daunted about the number of errands and taking her along. I'm such a baby! I just hate to shop and try to be as stealth as possible and there's nothing stealth about lugging around a 6 month old in a car seat. I created a plan and hit the road with Nora in tow.

I was able to get my seed starter pots at the garden store, pick up infant sunscreen at the health food store, get my dry cleaning (at which point I realized I might as well be buying new sweaters every week), run to the pet food store and then hit the grocery store. Nora was awesome. It was so fun to take her out and explain to her what we were doing.

The hardest part is that I live in an urban area and so all of the places I shop are tiny with tiny aisles. The maneuvering was a bit of a nightmare. I think I need to use our sling or the Ergo next time we go. It seemed like a hassle to take her in and out of her car seat but when she was in the cart I constantly felt like she was going to somehow tip over or some crazy person (my grocery store is FILLED with crazy people) was going to do something to her. I also was totally paranoid when the checker started taking the groceries out of my cart and then Nora ended up on the side with the checker. I just have a weird fear that someone is going to steal her. (If you shopped at my grocery store- you would too).

When I got home Joel informed me that he never goes to that grocery store with her and drives out to a more suburban store with bigger aisles and less crazy people. So, Joel is not hardier than me just smarter. Had I thought of the lovely suburban store with the big aisles and other people with children the trip might not have seemed so overwhelming. Such a smart husband!

All in all it was a great outing. Nora got to take a couple of naps and I got to hear how cute she is from total strangers. It also, strangely, reinforced that I am finally a mom running errands on a Saturday with my daughter.

Before and After

2010-03-16T21:45:00.008-06:00

I had a nice happy hour this evening with a prospective adoptive-mom who has been following my blog. Another friend of mine who I met through my blog recently brought her baby home, and another bloggy friend is on an eternal wait list (or at least that's how it seems when you are on the list). All these lovely women got me thinking about the wait, the journey and the before and after of the adoption process. It's been reiterated to me that Nora and our family provide hope to those who are waiting. So, in that vein, here is a really depressing photo from a past blog post (during wait) and then a happy photo from a blog post post-placement of Nora at two months. It's definitely a roller-coaster and there is no way my mind could conceive that at some point a baby would be in that car seat when I posted my sad blog post about the long wait. Now, I feel so very grateful that that same car seat is filled by my little spicy, baby girl, Nora. The adoption process is so hard and so I felt like these photos are my sad little attempt at providing hope to all those amazing waiting-moms that they too will have a full car seat (and the nice by-product of rockin' mom arms - or so I've heard).

Last Home Visit

2010-03-13T07:31:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was our last home visit for Nora. I've realized I'm going to miss these because the house is always spotless. What else is going to motivate Joel and I to clean every square inch of real estate including areas where no one would ever go?

We like our caseworker a lot so there is no longer any anxiety. I'm actually going to miss seeing her. We all just hung out on the floor and discussed Nora as she performed her usual feats on her play mat. When our caseworker first came over Nora was really out of sorts. She's usually really energetic and boisterous and exclaiming loudly. I was a little sad our caseworker wasn't going to see the real Nora but after she woke up a bit she was all kicky legs and excited shrieks.

I of course asked how C and J were doing and found out that C. presented at the last adoption class for the agency. That made me very happy. I remember sitting in that class listening to a birth family present and all I could think is "I wish that would be our birth family". I'm SURE that was the case when C. was presenting. It made me feel very proud of her and happy for her that she's engaged with the agency in that way. I hope that it was therapeutic for her to discuss. It also made me feel some reassurance that she's doing okay. We'll be reaching out to her soon to see if she'd like another visit so hopefully we'll get to see them both again soon.

All is happy in adoption-land. We are exactly one month from our finalization and then the paperwork and legal aspect of adoption will be over. The process has not been too hard on us (other than the horrible wait). I think it was helpful and painful to be with an agency where you are on a wait-list. It's great to see your progress; however, in the months where there is little progress or you don't move it all- that's really painful. I'm glad that this portion is coming to a close. We're now just trying to time when to get back on the list for a sibling for Nora. The wait for a sibling can be 2 years or more. We might not be done with home visits for too long.

Being the Parent I Want to Be

2010-03-07T10:05:00.004-07:00

There are two things that bother me in parenthood land (and did long before Nora came along) and they are both slightly related. The first is when parents overreact when their child falls or has a minor injury and the second is parents who don't take a long-range view of parenthood and get overly wrapped up in details (minor things do not a psycho-killer make in my opinion). Just this week I exhibited both of these tendencies.

The first incident occurred when I was moving Nora's bouncy through a door frame with her in it (bad judgment) and her finger was hit on the doorway. She let out a shrill cry (which I've only heard before when I accidentally nipped her finger when trimming her nails) and I immediately freaked out. I swooped down to grab her and comfort her and my mind went to the worst possible scenario first- I had broken her finger. (I don't think it's possible for babies to break their fingers because of the nature of their bones but I freaked out none the less). I looked at her slightly red finger and contemplated the nearest emergency room. In two seconds she was completely fine and so was I. I was then taken aback by my complete and total overreaction to the situation.

The second situation happened on Thursday night. Joel and I were both overly concerned that Nora hadn't rolled over yet. Maybe we hadn't given her enough tummy time, maybe she was in the bouncy seat too much etc. We were completely overreacting about something that didn't matter - a milestone that can happen at any time. I knew that at some point she'd be a 30 year old who knew how to walk, talk and roll-over so why was I so preoccupied with this little achievement? Of course, the next day Nora rolled over and again I was given a lesson in not overreacting. Nora may be the first or last to do many things and I need to remember that she's going to complete things at her own rate. She's her own person with her own personality and she'll develop according to her own path. I need to not put all that crazy parenting pressure on her or myself.

I think I'm going to have to become more nimble and flexible to really get this parenthood thing down. I guess by the time she leaves the house in another 20 years I'll have a slight understanding of how to do this thing called parenting.

I've really been trying to avoid reading too many books. There are too many parenting camps and I'm just not interested in joining any of them as they all contradict each other. I want to be conscious of her milestones and her development but I'm not interested in subscribing to any particular philosophy. Babies, children and people are all so different and I think it's important to remain flexible to your child's needs. Whether your child sleeps with you, cries it out or lives somewhere in-between I don't think this will impede them for the rest of their lives or provide that added boost to become a Nobel Prize winner. I need to remember the long-range view of parenthood and keep my anxious overreactions in check. It's the whole picture that matters.

Rolling Over

2010-03-06T15:02:00.003-07:00

Nora rolled over yesterday - a lot! Once she discovered this new trick she decided to do it over and over. It was really sweet. It's especially funny because she hates tummy time and makes angry cat noises during tummy time but when she rolls herself on to her stomach she doesn't seem to mind at all.

I discovered the great downfall of rolling over this morning when both my husband and I woke up at 4 am and realized that we hadn't heard a peep from Nora and freaked out. She was fine of course. She finally woke up at 5:30 am - hooray- but when I went in there she was on her stomach. I really didn't love seeing that as I'm petrified of SIDS.

She took a little nap this afternoon and I heard her begin to kick around. I left her alone until I heard a cry from her. She was on her stomach with her leg stuck all the way out of the crib between the slats. This seems dangerous and problematic. I was super excited about her rolling over but I don't know if I'm ready for a mobile baby just yet.

Routine Needed

2010-02-27T07:03:00.003-07:00

I've realized that I'm a creature of habit, as most of us probably are, and I've realized that I'm craving some sort of routine. I'm anxious about what our life will be like when Joel goes back to work and what sort of routine we might fall into. I really can't fathom getting three people out of the house in the morning. As anxious as I am about both of us being back to work, I'm also anxious to get settled into a routine.

I'm also feeling pressured to get our lives in order before Joel goes back to work. I'm absolutely exhausted so I took yesterday off of work to get caught up on life and sleep. I spent most of the day with Nora and took a long nap on the couch with her yesterday. I cleaned our bedroom and got some laundry in order. I have a lot more to do today but I feel like I need to capitalize on the few weekends left before our lives get that much crazier with both of us working.

I've been going into work early lately so it will be interesting to see what schedule and rhythm I land on with getting all of us ready, taking Nora to daycare (in the opposite direction of my job) and then going to work. I know everyone else in the world does it so we will be fine. I consider myself a pretty organized person but I think I'm going to have to be even more so as we figure out our new lives.

Nora is 5 months old and I have to remind myself of that a lot. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed or forget how different our lives are but I have to remember that our lives have been changed for only five months. That's a lot of transition in a short amount of time. Of course, I think that our lives have changed for the better but I keep catching myself when making plans to remember that things aren't the way they used to be- and I'm glad for it.

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-02-23T19:31:00.003-07:00

Melba was sweet enough to give me a Beautiful Blogger Award which actually means a lot because her blog was one of the first blogs that I ever began reading. I had the good fortune of finding her blog right before Charlie came home and posted about it here. So, thanks much for the recognition, Melba, as I've really enjoyed following along with your journey. You were one of the few mom blogs I could read during my wait and I'm glad I finally got to join your ranks.

As part of the award I'm now going to list 15 blogs that I think are great. I actually think every blog I follow is great, but here's a list:

1. Lori at Weebles Wobblog
2. Geochick at Adventures of a Dam Engineer
3. Melissa at Our Full Circle
4. Patti at It's Just One Hat
5. E at Waiting for Our Baby
6. Rachel at Barren Woman
7. Laurie at Adoption Creates Families
8. Kelley at From You and Me to Family
9. Ashley at More Than Dog Children
10. Kalibug at A Sibling for Kali
11. Debbie at Always and Forever Family
12. Her Womb Our Hearts
13. H at Confessions of a Waiting Mommy
14. Fishsticks and Fireflies
15. A shameless plug for family (my brother-in-law). If you need a good beer recommendation, this is the blog for you: BarleyVine

Here are seven things about me in no particular order:
1. I just began home brewing with my husband. Our Belgian Pale Ale and IPA will be done in a couple of weeks.
2. I'm a foodie.
3. I love to garden and plan on planting our sugar snap peas in a few weeks and begin our seedlings for fabulously yummy heirloom tomatoes this weekend.
4. I hate to fly and have to load up on Valium and a Bloody Mary to make it from Point A to Point B but I do love to travel.
5. I relocated almost a dozen squirrels from my back yard during my maternity leave (they are tomato thieves). Yes, I am a renaissance woman- home brewing and squirrel relocation.
6. I'm a morning person but must have caffeine before any interaction can take place.
7. I hate going to movies and have a hard time staying awake through them at home.

I have many posts swirling around in my head and hope to have time at the computer again soon.

Back to Normal

2010-02-20T07:51:00.002-07:00

My event is over and it was great, but I am done. Waking up at 3 am for 3 days straight and working 16 hour days on my feet has killed me. My feet look like I've backpacked up Everest but I'm happy to say it was a great success and now my life can return to normal.

I haven't seen Nora for three days since I was gone before she got up and got home after she was put to bed. She seems so much bigger and more alert. Her movements seem more fluid and she seems so much more alert and so much less newborn-like. I don't know if it's possible for a baby to change that much in three days but it seems like she's grown so much.

I'm looking forward to a lot of snow this weekend and staying in with my beautiful little baby girl. I'm so glad she's healthy and happy and I'm so grateful for her this weekend.

Baby Room

2010-02-14T07:02:00.006-07:00

This post title might sound strange as we currently have a 4 month old. However, her nursery is a far cry from what I had imagined. First of all, I'm going to give myself and my husband credit because I think we lived in our new house a whopping four weeks when we got the call. Joel spent an entire weekend painting the room and trim and then that's where that project stopped because soon Nora came to join us.

I think it's a little bit strange that the baby room was in a little bit better order when we lived in our condo before we converted it back to an office to sell the place. I look in our baby room now and the color and paint are beautiful. Her furniture looks great but there is nothing on the walls. The only little bit of visual interest is her cute valance and matching rug. I realized all bumpers and cute quilts had to be removed so this has made the room pretty stark. This didn't bother me a month ago when she hadn't set foot in her nursery but now that she's sleeping there I feel like we need it to feel a little more welcoming and permanent. Her stuffed animals are piled in an empty diaper box waiting for a permanent home and she has lovely personalized gifts that people have given her that are dying to be displayed.

As soon as my crazy event is over next week, the baby room is on the top of the to-do-list. If anyone has any great suggestions on wall decor that doesn't involve me being crafty and that aren't too expensive please let me know.

Finally, I want to thank E for her inspiration. Here's a great before and after of her nursery (which I hope has a baby in it very soon): http://finallyababyforus.blogspot.com/2010/02/before-and-afterand-childrens-book.html

(The photo was taken with my phone because I am lazy. I really needed a flash so imagine that the walls are actually an apple green).

Laughing and Sleeping

2010-02-09T20:10:00.005-07:00

I realized I haven't posted in forever and it's mostly because I'm barely staying afloat at work and personally but I'm happy that I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be a better manager, colleague, friend, mom, wife, blogger, person and sister in a week and a half when my huge event is over.

Anyway, enough about me and on to the Nora fun. Nora has begun to giggle. She giggled a little bit a couple of months ago but it was almost impossible to get her to do it. Now, if I sing silly songs and tickle her and mimick her exasperated sigh I get the cutest giggles. So much fun! It's so neat to hear her little laughs.

She is sleeping a bit better too. She's been on the schedule of waking up at 2 am for a feeding since December and the last few nights she's been sleeping until between 4 - 5 am. This is actually worse than the 2 am feeding as it's so close to when I wake up but it also makes me feel like eventually she might make the leap to 6 am or 7 am! I also have to disclose that I'm not the one getting up with her since Joel is still off work but, of course, every whimper she makes wakes me up.

That's it for now. Pray that I can make it until 6 pm on Friday, February 19 and I'll be a much different and more sane person.

Children of the Waters - A Novel with an Adoption Theme

2010-01-30T08:46:00.006-07:00

I've been wanting to post about Children of the Waters for quite some time but I haven't had the time to dedicate to sitting down and writing. I now find myself with a napping baby and a steaming latte so I think it's now or never.

As way of disclaimer, a former colleague of mine, Carleen Brice, wrote this book. We had lost touch but have a mutual friend who was raving to me about her books. I figured maternity leave would be the perfect time to pick both of them up. Carleen's first book, Orange Mint and Honey was just made into a Lifetime Movie which will air on the Lifetime Movie Network on Feb. 21. It's a great book and I can't wait for the movie to come out but it's not as relevant to this group.

However, Carleen's second book, Children of the Waters, struck a chord with me and I am sure it will to anyone else who has been touched by adoption and IF/loss*. I've struggled with a way in which to write a review of this book without revealing too much of the plot so I'm going to be a little vague here and talk about the themes that the book covers.

Based in Denver, the novel focuses on two families impacted by adoption. What I find most interesting about this book is it focuses a lot on identity, race and culture. This book might be particularly interesting to transracial adoptive families. While not directly talking about transracial adoption, Carleen captures many of the struggles that I'm sure families in transracial adoptions face. The book explores the adoption topics of meaning of family, both birth and adoptive, secrecy in adoption, searching and reunification with one's birth family.

Carleen tackles race in our culture head on - what it means to be bi-racial in today's society, racial divides, a white mother raising a bi-racial child, racial profiling, prejudice, a teen's struggle with his racial identity and many other issues. The beauty of this book is that all of these topics are tackled and discussed in the midst of a very engaging and well-written story that holds your attention on it's own merit. This book raises many issues and would be a great read for any adoptive parent but especially those who may be in or contemplating transracial adoptions. (I will note that some of the language in the book isn't adoption sensitive but I think it's a fair representation of the characters in the book and society at large).

Another colleague of mine organizes the African American/Caribbean Hetitage Camp and is integrating this book into a book discussion during camp. If any of you end up reading the book, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts.

I'm clearly not a crack book reviewer but I did want to let everyone know about this great read. Even if you haven't been touched by adoption, this book is very engaging and well written.

For more information on the book and a complete description please click here.

*Loss does appear in this book and if it might still be a fresh wound I would recommend waiting to read this book.

4 Month Stats

2010-01-27T17:51:00.004-07:00

I loved all the funny comments from everyone on my last post. Apparently head grabbing is a popular 3 month old activity. Of course, all was fine. However, for some reason I've been so busy I didn't realize she would be getting more shots. I'm sort of glad that this took me by surprise. It gave me one less thing to worry about. She survived her shots and let out the appropriate scream at the appropriate time. (I also noticed that my husband became a little obsessed with his iPhone at this particular moment).

As a side note, it is nice to have Joel so involved and for him to be at the appointment. In my opinion, men are half the equation but I know in practice that isn't always the case so I'm grateful that Joel's such a great dad. At several points in the appointment he was the only one who could answer some of the questions about her current feeding schedule because he's the one who is home now.

Anyway, here are the important stats:

Weight: 11 lbs. 14 oz (this was fluctuating wildly as she was kicking like a crazy woman) 20%
Height: 24.5 inches- 60%
Head: 161/8 - 50%

All is well. Baby is healthy. Mom is relatively more sane and dad, as usual, is rock solid.

Paranoia

2010-01-26T20:18:00.004-07:00

In my job, I am exposed to a lot of very dramatic stories related to children's health. I basically spend most of January and February talking to parents who have been through the worst things that any of us can possibly imagine with their children- brain tumors, SIDS, cancer, open heart surgery and the list goes on. This, under the best of circumstances, can make me a bit crazy.

Being back to work as a new mom and having parents relay to me the worst moments of their life is very intense. I have to constantly remind myself to take a step back. Every story always starts the same, so and so was healthy and then we noticed blah blah blah and then so and so ended up in the hospital with horrible life threatening issue.

So, here is my crazy confession. Nora keeps grabbing her head in the same spot. Every day she grabs her head in the same spot. Crazy mom brain tells me that she has a brain tumor and I should mention it to the doctor tomorrow. Normal, sane Jen tells crazy mom that she clearly is fine and has no other signs of a brain tumor. This is the space I am currently residing. Crazy land.

I will act like a normal human being tomorrow at the doctor. However, I am going to inquire about her obsession with one particular spot on her head without mentioning the word tumor. I will also let the doctor know that I work at a children's hospital which makes me slightly more paranoid and crazy than the general population. Other than that, I'm pretty excited to find out how much she weighs. I am asked how much she weighs more than I would have ever imagined but I just can't bring myself to get on a scale these days. (I think it's karmick punishment for gloating about not having baby weight- see earlier post).

All important stats on my lovely four month old will be posted tomorrow. (Hopefully, the pediatrician doesn't recommend that I find a new practice).

Failed Adoption

2010-01-20T18:28:00.004-07:00

Exactly one year ago today I was an expectant mom waiting to meet our daughter and her birth mother, A, for the first time. If you know me or follow my blog, you'll know that I don't have a one year old. That adoption was not meant to be and A changed her mind before we got to the hospital. I'll likely not remember this date in the future, but, it does stand out in my mind because it was the day that President Obama was sworn into office and our almost-daughter was African American. It felt like such a momentous day to me on so many levels and it has stuck with me a year later.

My intention of posting this is to provide hope to everyone who is waiting or who has been through the heart break of a failed match. I now have a beautiful daughter, Nora, who will be 4 months old next week and I couldn't be happier. It's so interesting to see what can happen in a year. If nothing else, adoption teaches you that you don't have much control and your life can change in an instant. In our case, that was for the better in September.

Back to Work Lite

2010-01-16T06:14:00.005-07:00

I made it through an intensely busy two weeks of work. Work is going well and I am enjoying being back even though it's exhausting. It's hard to get quality time with Nora as by the time I come home she's pretty grumpy and done. I've really been trying to keep my weekends free to spend time with her but to no avail. I had a child from our hospital pass and attended her funeral last weekend (so horribly sad) and we have an adoption class today. It's hard not to have down-time on the weekends.

Joel is still home on paternity leave. It's so nice to have him home and I consider this to be going-back-to-work lite. We're not both trying to get out the door in the morning with a baby and Nora gets to be at home with her dad. It's really an ideal situation and making my time at work so much easier. I've even been decent about trying to get out the door at work at a somewhat decent time. This time of year it's impossible for me not to work A LOT but I'm doing my best to try to balance everything.

We're going to visit Nora's daycare next Friday so that will be a bit of a reality check. It's a good place and I know it's our best option where we live.

One of Joel's stay-at-home responsibilities is sending me a photo via text each day. So, I've included a highlight from last week. I was in a meeting when I received it and it said: "Daddy bathed me and styled my hair". Too cute!!

Work

2010-01-04T18:42:00.002-07:00

Today was my first day back to work. I tried my hardest not to think about it all weekend. I even tried not to think about it this morning in the shower and tried to think about how fun it will be to see everyone and to have adult conversation. I didn't cry at all while I was getting ready or putting on my makeup.

I made my way downstairs and decided to make myself an espresso as it seemed as if Joel and Nora were still asleep. A few moments later I heard Joel on the stairs and he had Nora. He came down to make me a latte (so sweet!). I took one look at Nora and burst into tears. I thought I was going to make it out the door unscathed since Joel was staying at home with her. I broke down about two more times before I finally made it out the door. I kept looking at her thinking, "how could I be leaving you?". Hello, mommy guilt!

Work was fine and I'm sure this will become the new normal. I'm really blessed that I don't have the really hard day until March 9 when I have to take her to day care. Lesson learned: makeup will be applied as I'm pulling into work that day.

2009

2010-01-01T08:06:00.002-07:00

Happy New Year! I don't quite have the energy at the moment to review in detail the past year but it's been an interesting one. It began with a failed match and ended with my beautiful three month old. We've bought and sold a house and a car and my maternity leave is sadly coming to an end. It's certainly been a year of momentous changes for our family.

I'm really not excited to make resolutions this year so I have decided that instead I'm going to let go of things that I want to leave in 2009/the past. I'm stealing this idea from an amazing book by a friend of mine, Carleen Brice, titled Orange, Mint and Honey. In the book, one of the characters buries her worries and troubles in her garden. She writes her troubles on a piece of paper and buries them in the garden where they will eventually become compost to nourish her garden. This year I'm going to borrow from this concept and write down all of the things that I want to leave behind and begin the year anew, hopefully, without a long to do list of things that I'd like to change.

Nora's Baptism

2009-12-29T06:53:00.004-07:00

Nora's baptism was such a beautiful event. We were able to spend time with C and J an hour before Nora's baptism. We showed up in the room that had been reserved for us a minute late and C and J weren't there. We didn't have definitive confirmation that they'd be there beforehand but we assumed that if they were coming for the baptism they'd certainly come early to see Nora. My heart sank a bit when we didn't see any sign of them.

They had entered a side door of the church and went into the basement. They ran into the deacon of the church and he recognized C as he was her high school teacher (small world). They made some small talk and he told them that he was there for a baptism that day and that it was going to be very special because the baby was adopted and the birthparents were going to be there. C, J and family then commented they were too and they were the birth family. He finally put it all together and we connected.

I was nervous about the meeting and it was a funny feeling of deja vu because the room we were in was the same one I was in before my wedding. That room is full of anxiety for me. We saw C's dad and the rest were following behind. It was so nice to see everyone again. They do feel like family to me and it was nice to reconnect. C and her mom were holding Nora and she was a little fussy so I gave her a bottle. (I've stopped letting other people feed her because they tend to give her gas somehow). We then opened many gifts that they had brought for Nora and caught up. Everyone seemed to be doing great and I know they loved seeing Nora.

Of course, the time flew and it was time to leave the room for mass. I had Nora in the sling because she was tired and fussy and had just fallen asleep. I asked C if she wanted her on during mass and she was excited to "wear" her so C wore her throughout the mass.

Sunday was the celebration of the Holy Family and the sermon was focused exclusively on families. It felt like each word said was so poignant and appropriate for our occasion and the language was so inclusive as family as community rather than necessarily family in the nuclear family sense. I had a moment where I felt so incredibly grateful for our circumstance that I had to try very hard not to start crying. The talk of the love of family and sitting with J and watching C stroke Nora's cheeks and watching her in the sling was very overwhelming in a positive way. I felt so grateful that Nora is surrounded by so much love and I was also so grateful about the love that my family has shown to C and J. Each person in our family made a point during the sign of peace to hug each of them and show them how much they care and how grateful they are. I was especially glad that my sister got to sit next to C so that they could spend some time together.

After the service we had the baptism. It was a very beautiful baptism as Nora was surrounded by those who care about her. Each person made the sign of the cross on her forehead (I think I went a little rogue here). The most touching part of the service, for me, was the blessing of the parents. C came over with me to bless the mothers and I had all of my friends and family laying hands on me when the deacon began reading the rite. I don't remember the exact language but I do remember a portion about the miracle of motherhood and what a gift it is. I really had to try my hardest not to burst into tears hearing these words while holding my daughter with the hands of all of my loved ones upon me including C. I'm so grateful for such a beautiful baptism and for all of the support that was shown during the event.

New Adoptive Mom

2009-12-23T13:57:00.004-07:00

I'm being a little blog crazy today but I just received very happy news. I've been so excited every time one of my bloggy friends has become an adoptive mom but today I found out a friend in real life is on her way to pick up her son with very little warning. It's just so incredible how timing works out since it is a few days after her birthday and a few days before Christmas. I'm so ecstatic that another waiting mom has now officially become a mom. Hooray! I just wanted to share a little bit of hope to all of those out there waiting about how abruptly your wait might come to an end and with such impeccable timing.

Last Day of Leave and First Visit with C and J

2009-12-23T07:48:00.007-07:00

Today is my last day of my leave where it will just be Nora and I. My sister and her husband are in town for the holidays so we've been having lots of family time. (My sister is holding Nora in this photo). Joel is going to be starting paternity leave this afternoon and will be off through the beginning of March. I've enjoyed my time at home but it's also been challenging. The first six weeks were a little bit hard as Nora had a really hard time after she ate and didn't sleep so well at night. Now she's so easy. I'm attuned to her rhythms and needs and can calm her crying usually within 5 minutes. Now I can almost intuitively know what she needs. She's such a good eater now and has an awesome "sailor burp" with almost no effort which has eliminated most of her fussiness. We've established some loose patterns and I finally feel like I have the hang of this now that I'm passing the baton.

She is even becoming a better sleeper. She woke last night at 2 am and then not again until 6:30. Life with Nora is becoming so much easier and she's so much fun. This little girl has A LOT of personality. She's incredibly independent. If you try to hold her when she's in her "active mode" she arches her back and protests loudly. She likes to be on her own kicking around and talking. She'd love for you to chat with her but just don't restrict her movement. We jokingly call her "Free Bird". She loves sitting in her bouncy seat and having a conversation. I'm only able to sneak some snuggle time when she's hungry or tired (ie sleeping). She's also very vocal about her needs. She is very assertive and will scream like she's being tortured if she's not happy but the second you fix the issue she calms down instantly. C's nickname is "The General" so I think I know where her assertive personality comes from.

It's funny how this is the case as I've always said there would be some sort of meant-to-be connection between us and her birth family. I've always wanted a very assertive, independent daughter (even though the teen years are going to be absolute hell). Even while picking baby names I made sure that the girl names were strong names that a 30 year old woman would not be embarrassed to have. So, I think it's so funny that we got our assertive little girl.

Speaking of C and J, we will have our first visit with them on Sunday. We have invited them to Nora's baptism. I think C's mom will also join us. I'm so glad that they'll get to see Nora right after the holidays. It's been hard to know how things are going to unfold in our relationship with C and J as all of our communication is through the agency. They've only asked for updates from us but we've offered visits. We're not sure if this is what they want going forward so it will be nice to see them in person. A lot can get lost over a game of telephone. We've been told they are doing well but it will be nice to be able to chat in person and see how they feel about future visits with Nora. We certainly don't want to push anything on them but we also don't want them to think they're not welcome in our lives.

I'm a little bit nervous for our visit because I know it's going to be emotional. We're meeting them an hour before the baptism. We'll then all go to mass, have the baptism and then say our goodbyes. It will be hard to have this emotional experience and then have to interact with all of our guests who are attending the baptism. I'm worried because I don't want anyone to say anything wacky to C and J. I also feel a little awkward because our guest are coming back to our house afterwards. I don't want C and Js feelings to be hurt but I also don't feel ready to invite them over and I would imagine they probably don't want to hang our with all of our family and friends either. I'm having a lot of anxiety surrounding this whole baptism because there is so much going on within those few hours and it's so hard to know what the "right" thing to do is so I'm just going with my gut.

During the baptism they ask the mother and father to stand with Nora. I've told the deacon that I'd like C and J to join us during this time but I'm not sure if this is what they would like. I guess I won't know until we have a chance to ask them right before the ceremony. I just want for them to feel included, loved and honored and this is what is causing my stress. I've put together a little gift for them. It's a framed picture of Nora and then a HUGE stack of photos over the last three months. I debated doing something more but I'm having a weird hang up about giving C and J material things that are not related to Nora or the adoption because I don't want to devalue or monetize our relationship. If anyone has any great ideas I can pull off (other than the photo in a nice frame) before Sunday please let me know. Also, if anyone has any advice that would be helpful to me, please share.

Wow, this is what happens when I don't blog for a few days!

Social Worker Visit and Finalization Date

2009-12-18T07:48:00.003-07:00

We have another visit with our social worker today but this time in her office. Hooray! My house is a disaster and I won't have time to clean it until tomorrow. It's just another post-placement visit. It will be fun to bring Nora into the office.

It was so hard to imagine during the process that we'd ever be doing that. When you sit in that conference room for your orientation classes it's nearly impossible to imagine that you'll ever be in that space with a baby but here we are almost exactly two years later from our first orientation.

We're definitely nearing the end of the adoption process. We have one more education class and we just received our finalization date. On April 14 Nora will legally be our daughter. It's fun to have that date in mind. I'm going to borrow from my brother-in-law's family as they call his finalization day his "Love Day". I love this term so much more than "Gotcha Day" (sounds aggressive) so I'm going to officially appropriate it on April 14. I've been thinking a lot about how to celebrate this day each year. I think we're going to make it a family day. I don't want it to become another birthday. I'd like it to be more of a day for family experiences/fun. I was really hoping that it would be on my birthday (6 months to the day after her birth) but it's a few weeks after and that is okay with me. More days to celebrate are never a bad thing.

Christmas Update

2009-12-17T08:09:00.003-07:00

Thanks so much for all of your great comments and suggestions about making the holidays more manageable. I was able to address and get out our Christmas cards. This was important because they were also doing double duty as birth announcements. I won't be so neurotic about it next year when we're not announcing Nora's arrival.

We made the journey to Bass Pro Shop yesterday. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach when I saw a parade of girls in tights heading out the exit. I'm an optimistic person so I walked in hoping that the line wouldn't be too long. We got to the area where Santa was and it was a VERY long line. They were passing out cards for us to line up in another 30 minutes. Joel was not a fan of the Santa excursion to begin with and so he was less than excited to wait in line but was sweet and deferred to me. I proposed that we wait in the restaurant and grab a drink and an appetizer and then get back in line. We headed to the restaurant and grabbed a table at the bar for quicker service. I was still on the fence about the whole thing. The sea of toddlers (ie germs) made me nervous. So, we sat down and were contemplating what to do. The menu didn't really appeal to me and as we were chatting a five year old started coughing right behind us. (I add this because Joel is convinced this is what made me want to leave). It seemed like such an ordeal to get this photo taken in which she was probably going to be asleep or grumpy anyway so we left. In hindsight, we should have gone later- around 8 pm or so- as the toddlers would (hopefully) all be home in bed. So, our Santa excursion was a bust but we did take some cute photos at home. (Joel accidentally cut off my head while trying to make Nora smile - definitely consistent with the whole ordeal but Nora looks very cute).

Tis the Season

2009-12-16T06:26:00.007-07:00

I've been so busy this weekend that I haven't had a chance to update the blog so I have some very random updates. First, I realized I never posted a recap of the Dr. Phil show. It was a bit better than I expected. As expected, he highlighted some very unfortunate issues that can arise in adoption but, as he pointed out, if all parties are well informed and go through the proper channels these tend not to happen. He also mentioned on several occasions that he is an advocate for adoption and concluded with some tips for anyone involved in adoption. It was still Dr. Phil but more palatable than I initially thought. (I would have been a wreck had I watched this while waiting, however).

More importantly than Dr. Phil, Nora giggled for the first time on Friday. She's been giggling in her sleep so we know she can do it but haven't heard her do it awake. I spent so much time interacting with her on Friday and trying to make her laugh. No luck. Joel comes home and of course she starts beaming. He then lifts her up in the air and the cutest giggles ensue. He did it a few more times and luckily I was able to capture a video of it. It was so amazing to hear what her laugh will likely sound like. (We've tried to recreate this scenario for the last couple of days with no such luck). It was so precious and I can't wait to hear more laughs. I'm working on my delivery to see if that might help her find me funny.

We've wanted to decorate for Christmas for the last several weekends but for a variety of reasons this has not been possible. I was resolved on Monday that we HAD to decorate that night. I made a nice big dinner and we set-up the tree. Even though Nora won't know the difference I felt like I was getting an F in parenthood for not decorating this year. We finally have hung the stockings and put up the tree and it's really helped to put me more in the holiday spirit (that and a Phil Spector Christmas album). I still need to take her to see Santa but I'm really hesitant to hang out in a germ-filled mall. I got a secret tip about free photos and no lines at Bass Pro Shop (which I HATE) but I might have to suck it up so that I can have a First Christmas photo of Nora. I'm going to put that on the docket for tomorrow.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed this holiday season. I think it's just because everything takes a little bit longer with baby. It's also reminding me that my maternity leave is quickly coming to an end. I feel like there is so much to prep for. My sister is coming into town Sunday (hooray!) and Nora is being baptized on December 27. I have realized I haven't invited anyone to the baptism yet, which is problematic since it's right after Christmas and in a little over a week. (If you are reading this and would like to attend, consider yourself invited).

I still have our Christmas cards sitting on my coffee table and desperately need to get those sent out as well. I'm so nervous for going back to work. I can barely get everything done now so I can't really imagine what it's going to be like when I go back to work. Yikes!!! One day at a time. Deep breaths...
To end on a positive note- Nora really couldn't be cuter right now kicking around in her bouncy chair chatting with me and my darling husband made me a pretty fabulous latte this morning (good thing- there's a lot to do on this Santa's list).

Up: A Little Reminder

2009-12-11T10:11:00.005-07:00

A couple of nights ago Joel and I watched the movie Up. We had both been wanting to see it for awhile and so we finally rented it. We brought sleeping Nora to the basement/make-shift movie watching space in her bouncy seat and we settled in to watch the movie. I had heard some interviews on NPR about the movie but other than that did not have a clue about it.

Divulging a piece of the plot here:
We got to the scene where infertility was addressed and I instantly burst into tears and began sobbing. (Joel already thinks I'm slightly crazy and over-emotional so he's not as phased by this any longer). The scene was so poignant and caught me completely off guard. (I knew from the interview they couldn't have kids but I thought that part would be glossed over). I was looking over at Nora and just sobbing. I wasn't crying about a bio kid vs. adopted kid which I really need to clarify. I was crying because watching that scene put me exactly back in that place of hopeful expectation and then ultimate disappointment. This cycle is repeated until the day Nora was put in my arms. Even waiting during adoption, while hopeful, is filled with it's own types of disappointments (not being selected, failed matches, long waits etc.). It just reminded me of all that we'd been through. Gratefully, I was able to look over through my tears and see the most precious gift anyone has given me.

In all my excitement of becoming a mom I had put all of the infertility issues away and this movie reminded me. I have a lot of friends on this journey now both in the blogosphere and those who are a part of my life and it made me so sad for the struggle that each of them and some of you are still facing. Those emotions are so hard to deal with and I hate to see anyone on the difficult parts of this journey.

When I began the process of blogging and reading blogs I hated following blogs of people who had already adopted. I'd read up to the part where they brought baby home (to give me hope) but then had no interest in reading about their life with baby. It was just too hard. Melba had a great post about this topic and I don't want to repeat her sentiments because she says it so well here: http://mandmadopt.blogspot.com/2009/12/little-conflicted-about-chirstmas.html. But, I was just reminded of how hard the wait is and how hard the journey can be and I wanted everyone who is currently on this path to know I'm thinking about you.

Adoptions Gone Wrong

2009-12-10T15:42:00.003-07:00

This was just the topic previewed for the Dr. Phil Show tomorrow. (I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm watching Dr. Phil but a girl has to do something while folding laundry).

I'm sure the show will be inflammatory. Just wanted to let the blogosphere know. I'm sure I'll have quite a bit to say tomorrow afternoon or I won't have the energy to care about what Dr. Phil and guests dramatize about adoption. Stay tuned...

Grown Up Car

2009-12-08T07:31:00.009-07:00

I made a huge step last night. I'm a person who grows attached to things and doesn't love change (not to mention I'm pretty cheap when it comes to material possessions). I traded in the first car that I purchased with my first "real" job.

My 2000 Volksw.agen Golf has been with me through thick and thin. It's taken me to New Mexico on one tank of gas and enabled me to get a $200+ speeding ticket in Wyoming. (I won't divulge my speed but I will say that car has ZIP, no cruise control and I have a lead foot and a love of speed). I rarely had to think of filling the car up and it was just so much fun to drive. Our relationship became a little more rocky as the car required a little more love than I could give. The back hatch wouldn't stay open in cold weather which I discovered when I got knocked on the head- hard! I think the clutch might be going, the clear bra has begun to make the paint on the hood peel and she just celebrated her 107,000 mile birthday. I'll admit, it had become a bit embarrassing to go to business meetings in this car as one would expect a 20 year old guy and not a professional woman to step out of the driver's seat. However, I loved my car and held on tight. Then, along came Nora.

There were signs that the Golf's days were numbered. I never even attempted to install the car seat in the two door car. I didn't even crack the manual to find out the best position or whether to use the belt or latch system. Joel has been driving it to work and I'd been using his car. I knew for years that I really needed a new car but it's been so nice not having any car payments. However, I really wanted a safe car for Nora and one that handled well in the snow since I drive all over Colorado and Wyoming for meetings. I caved and we made a deal on a new car on Saturday.

I never thought that I would drive a car like this. To me, this car is excessively huge but by most American's standards, it's probably considered a mid-sized SUV. No matter though, Nora will be nice and safe with 7 airbags and a car that handles great in the snow. Even better, when Nora has a sibling they both can fit safely in the new car. Plus, it's so nice to have modern conveniences. (However, I am going to miss the tape deck. Sad I won't be able to play my mixed tapes from high school anymore).

I'm pretty excited to have a new car. (Thank you Toyo.tathon and awesome deals!) I spent all last night reading the owners manual front to back. (I'm meticulous with my cars). I can't wait to install the car seat and take it out in the fresh snow today. I'm such a car lover and SO my father's daughter in that regard. I look forward to another decade long relationship with this car for this new slow-driving, safety-minded period of my life.

Baby Talk

2009-12-05T08:38:00.003-07:00

Last night Joel and I attended his company's holiday party. (I know, it's crazy they have one in a recession but his company actually does well during bad economic times). Grandma once again came over to babysit while Joel and I attended this event. It's so difficult getting dressed these days when I really am in my schleppy maternity leave clothes most of the time. I did manage to paint my toenails and make my fingernails look presentable, which felt like a huge feat. So, off we went to the holiday party.

We sat at a table with Joel's colleagues that he's closest to and enjoyed our dinner. The conversation was interesting to me. Most at the table knew that we had just adopted and was so excited for us but one couple did not know. The party was at a casino and so the small talk was centered around whether people were spending the night or staying to gamble. I commented that we had a two month old so we'd be heading back down the mountain. She took a look at me and said a bit sarcastically, "What, did you adopt?". She was then surprised when I said yes. (I think this is much more plausible than dropping baby weight in record time unless you are Heidi Klum). There was then the long string of questions about adoption. It was interesting because usually I love to discuss adoption but I just wasn't in the mood to answer all the usual questions politely. I realized later it was because she was just a nosy stranger and didn't really want any information on adoption but in my sleep deprived state this didn't occur to me. I finally changed the subject and we moved on.

Interestingly, another colleague of Joel's has been going through a lot of infertility issues. I was in a separate conversation after dinner when I overheard Joel saying "IUI". I couldn't fathom what he was talking about but then realized that the couple was on the same path we had been on. They asked a lot of questions about adoption and even about cost and this, of course, didn't bother me at all. It's all about intent and context.

The most interesting part of the night for me was toward the end when we were talking with all of Joel's colleagues with kids about having kids. I have never been a part of this club before. These conversations were always like the tenth circle of hell for me but I actually got to participate last night. I didn't have to say the usual, "wow" or "I can't imagine". I could actually reply with my own stories of parenthood. It wasn't draining having this conversation but fun and I realized on the way home that this was such a turning point. I think it just takes a while to sink in all the ways that my life has changed.

I didn't have 9 months to realize I was having a baby. I had a year and a half of being "paper pregnant" but I think I was in such disbelief that it would ever happen. Even when we were matched I still was not certain that we'd be parents and didn't embrace that idea. (Nora came two days late and I still hadn't packed for the hospital until I got the call). It's interesting all of the little things that keep reinforcing to me that this is real and we're finally a family.

Two Months

2009-11-30T19:07:00.005-07:00

Today Nora is a big two month old. Time has gone quickly but also very slowly. It seems like eons ago that we brought her home from the hospital since our lives have changed so much. But, it also feels like she's changing so much each day and time is just slipping away. (Especially as the end of my maternity leave is now on the horizon).

She truly does change so much every day. A few days ago she started grabbing her toes. Today I was grabbing my coffee in the kitchen and heard funny clicking noises and realized that Nora had learned to make clicking noises with her mouth and was entertaining herself. I was a little surprised because we've never made clicking noises with her. (Then again I haven't rolled around on the floor grabbing my toes either). She has so much personality and so much energy. She's a little girl with places to go and things to do. She doesn't like to be held unless she is in the right mood. If she's in an active mood she'll scream if you try to hold her. She doesn't want to be restrained. Of course, when she's eating or sleepy she's fine with cuddling up.

She had her two month check up today and everything checked out. She's quite the charmer with the men and tends to smile more at men and is a real chatty pants. She "talked" through our entire hour long appointment. She's also really a wiggle worm - especially at 3 am when she squirms while I'm changing her and gives me the most endearing smiles. So, in honor of her active little baby self, I'm posting another video (that is sideways and I can't fix) and a photo of her charming her daddy.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T08:37:00.005-07:00

I have much to be thankful for this year but not many brain cells to articulate it. The gift for which I am most thankful had me awake much of the night so I'm going to let a picture be worth about two paragraphs. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Paperwork Signed and More Shower Fun

2009-11-24T08:03:00.003-07:00

Yesterday my co-workers threw Nora a lovely baby shower. (I know I'm very spoiled by many kind people). I returned back to work for her celebration and a co-celebration with another colleague who is on my team whose little boy is due any day now! We have had a baby boom in our department in the last three months. The shower was beautiful and the menu was amazing: Italian deli meats, cheeses, crackers and amazing cupcakes. It was such a sweet shower and it was so nice to see how excited everyone was to meet Nora. She was even awake for the beginning of the celebration. It was so nice to see everyone and to catch up. I'm so lucky to work with so many fantastic people.

While I was getting ready to leave the house for the shower, which requires a couple of hours of planning and some serious strategy, I checked my email. Our caseworker had emailed me and let me know that the judge has signed our paperwork so our "legal risk" is over. It's funny that this milestone didn't really matter to me and it hasn't really even been in the back of my mind. Once we took Nora home from the hospital that day I knew she was home to stay. I think if we had had a different relationship with C and J or if circumstances were different I would have been counting down the days for this paperwork to be signed. However, this news didn't really make any difference to me and for that I'm thankful. Now we are just waiting for our court date which will likely be in the spring. I already feel official but I'm looking forward to being "paper official" and being able to leave the country. Hooray!

Amazing Friends Welcoming Nora

2009-11-23T07:46:00.005-07:00

My good friends threw me the nicest "Welcome Nora" party yesterday. So many people had already met her and brought us gifts that I didn't want to have a baby shower per se. Instead, we had a lovely champagne brunch open house. Joel cold smoked some salmon and we had bagels, quiche, fruit, cupcakes and mimosas. (I love food - listing the menu is very important).

We had so many of our close friends come by and it was so fun to see all those who have supported us through our journey celebrate the conclusion of our journey and the welcoming of Nora. We're so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people and so many people who care for Nora.

P.S. Since I want to respect the privacy of my friends, I've posted a photo of the crazy contraption my savvy husband rigged to cold smoke salmon. It involved a smoker, cardboard boxes, wood planks, meat thermometer and a computer fan. The salmon was AMAZING!

We're Lucky: Good Comments

2009-11-20T10:00:00.003-07:00

We went to the police station yesterday to get finger printed (again) to finalize our adoption. The woman finger printing us asked if we were doing it for an adoption since we had Nora with us. She was covered up in her car seat (because we don't want anyone sneezing on her:) so she couldn't see her. The finger printer was Vietnamese and I think she sees a lot of international adoptions so she was talking a bit about how with Asian adoptions the babies can't know their birthparents etc and her experiences in Vietnam.

We told her that she was from Colorado and she would know her birthparents. She said "oh that's very good." Then she told us, "You are very lucky". Yes we are. This woman totally got adoption and was so great. It always surprises me who will make positive or negative comments regarding adoption. It was so nice for someone to affirm how lucky we are.

Gratitude

2009-11-18T07:57:00.004-07:00

It's been a very busy week for me. We've had lots of visitors and celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. I've wanted to write a post for the last couple of days about how grateful I am right now.

Joel and I had a great day on Saturday. My parents came over to watch Nora while we attended a baptism class and then celebrated our anniversary with a lunch and a little time together. (We've determined time during the day is so much more enjoyable than going out at night when we are dead tired). It was nice to wander around downtown together and visit gourmet food stores and our favorite book store. It was particularly nice because it was cold so there weren't many people out wandering around.

Saturday night I was supposed to attend a going away party for a very close friend but the snow began to fall and the party was a 45 min. drive away so we decided to stay in with Nora. I made homemade chicken soup and we spent a great evening together as the snow began to fall. I felt so grateful to have such a great husband and now, father, a beautiful daughter, a new house in a neighborhood that we love and awesome parents who are already so involved with Nora. It was one of those moments where everything was so perfect and I felt so grateful. I've had a lot of struggles over the last year and a half and I feel so grateful to have those moments where everything in life seems right.

Firsts

2009-11-12T16:46:00.004-07:00

Nora turned six weeks old yesterday and this past week she has begun to smile more and more. Over the last two days we have begun to get very real smiles when she sees us and it is the most incredible experience in the world. Tuesday as I was holding her and talking to her, per usual, she just began to smile and smile and look right up at me. I began sobbing because I have waited so long for this very experience. Yes, I have waited forever (it seems like) for a baby. But, I've actually waited more precisely for the moment when I can gaze into my child's eyes and she recognizes me and smiles back. This moment melted me and made me feel like a real mom. I couldn't wait for Joel to get home. I asked him to go see her and she smiled on cue when he walked over. He picked her up and started talking to her and she was just beaming at her daddy. Again, I cried on cue. There is really nothing that compares to your baby smiling at you for the first time. For some reason, she seems so real to me now.

I am getting ready to go out with a friend. (I know it seems like I go out all the time but I really don't, it's just momentous so I write about it). I had Nora in the sling as I was getting ready and putting on makeup. (If you follow my blog, you know this is the time when I think about adoption and babies and usually have a revelation or break down). It was really profound to be singing songs to her and putting on makeup and then looking in the mirror and realizing I had Nora in a sling and I wasn't thinking about adoption or what life was going to be like with a baby. This is what life is like with a baby- singing "Going to California" (because I know no child appropriate songs) and looking at us both in the mirror.

Baby Shower

2009-11-11T07:49:00.002-07:00

My family threw me the nicest baby shower on Sunday. It was so fun to get together and see everyone and so sweet of them to throw a shower to welcome Nora. Of course, everyone was a little bit disappointed when I showed up alone but I assured them that Joel was coming later with Nora. The shower was so sweet. One thing that was interesting is that for some reason I've been calling Nora "Nora Bear". I really have no idea why- sleep deprivation? However, most of the cute little outfits she received had bears on them and my sister made her a bear blanket. I found that so interesting and appropriate.

The funniest part of the shower was when Joel arrived. He knew he would be entering a room full of 30 women and so he came prepared. He had Nora on him in a sling and when she finally was brought out of the sling he had a 32 oz bottle of hand sanitizer that he set on the table. Too cute. He's such a good, protective dad.

Work

2009-11-05T07:08:00.003-07:00

Since I've been on maternity leave, I haven't thought about work too much (or at least as much as I had thought - thank you great team!). I have thought about what it's going to be like going back to work. How did I feel about going back? What will be the effect on Nora? What will be the effect on me? It doesn't really matter either way because not going back isn't an option (please see adoption and new house:). However, I got my answer yesterday.

There was an inaugural event at my work and despite being on maternity leave, I really wanted to see the event unfold so that I had a sense of what it would be like next year. I went to work for a little bit yesterday and it was so fantastic. It was so nice to catch up with all of my colleagues and to watch an event that benefits children unfold and come to fruition. I left the event feeling really energized and remembered how much I love my job. I'm so glad that I was able to work yesterday and have the piece of mind that, while going back to work will be extremely difficult, it is something that also brings me joy and satisfaction in addition to a paycheck. I have a great job that helps kids and I get to work with truly amazing people. I'm so grateful for that experience yesterday to put my mind and heart at ease.

Talking About Adoption

2009-11-03T11:23:00.004-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about how to tell Nora her story. I've been practicing telling it to her but I fumble through it every time. I know it's not a one time conversation that I have to get perfect but I'm really trying to feel somewhat prepared. I assumed that our daughter would not be Caucasian (because of our previous match, I suppose) and so I just assumed adoption would come up a bit more since it would be more apparent that we did not look alike and unfortunately, ignorant outsiders would likely point this out beginning at birth. I now feel like I need to really make an effort to make her story an integral part of her life. This is causing me a bit of consternation. My mom is babysitting this Friday so I think I'm going to go on the hunt for some good adoption children's books. (Please leave me a comment if you have any favorites).

On this very topic, I also wanted to include a link to Lori at Weebles Wobblog's post today. She is such a pro at open adoption and I think her post is so worth reading if you don't already follow her blog: http://www.weebleswobblog.com/2009/11/moments-in-open-adoption-parenting-part.html. I only hope that I can be this together when the many adoption conversations arise.

Date Night

2009-10-31T07:21:00.003-06:00

Joel and I have always promised each other that when we were fortunate enough to have a baby, we would make a concerted effort to have time with just us. I'm a firm believer in a happy mommy makes for a better mommy. I think it's really important to take time for yourself to recharge your batteries so you have something left to give to baby.

So, off we went on our first date post-Nora. My parents watched Nora and they urged us to stay out until 11 pm or midnight. Ha ha- I go to bed at 8 these days so I can do second shift. We left them with a mildly disgruntled baby. (I thought I'd take a photo of the occasion but Nora was a little unhappy).

We went to a restaurant we'd been dying to try. We had many small plates, a cocktail and glass of wine and it felt decadent. Inevitably, the beginning of the conversation was a discussion about how much Nora threw up today and whether it was spit up or actual vomit. I know- great dinner conversation! However, we then moved into other, more appropriate, subjects and enjoyed our time out. I looked at my watch assuming that it was pretty late and had to laugh when it said 6:45. Much to my parent's dismay, we were home a bit after 8 pm.

It was great to have a little time outside of the house (especially since Nora can't go anywhere). I'm proud of us for making some couple time and Nora was exactly one month old.

Leaving the House

2009-10-28T07:04:00.005-06:00

After having Nora home for almost a month, not being able to go in public is really wearing on me. I'm not good at being a home body. If I'm home sick for more than a day I start to go crazy. Clearly, time with Nora is great and taking care of her is very time consuming but I feel like one more day on the couch might make for a reenactment of The Shining. (Should I not put this on an adpotion blog when the adoption hasn't been finalized yet?!?)

We aren't supposed to bring Nora in public until 6 weeks - that includes anything public- church, grocery store, restaurant etc. The flu is really bad here and the last thing I want is a sick baby so I'm happy to comply. So, I devised a safe way to leave the house. I decided to go on a long drive. I also was determined to get out yesterday since a snow storm is supposed to hit Denver today (and it is).

I packed up the diaper bag, secured Nora in her car seat (with some protest) and off we went. I stopped by a drive-thru coffee shop to get a Pumpkin Spice latte. (I'm not a fan of this coffee shop but the one that I like requires getting out of the car so I had to make due.) I then got on the highway and headed toward Boulder. The drive into Boulder is always so pretty and I love seeing the Flatirons this time of year. From there I went up Eldorado Canyon for a bit and then returned home (strategically timed for the next bottle) through Golden. It felt so great to be out of the house, listening to music and just driving with my favorite gal. Nora was pretty awake during the beginning of the drive which was nice. I wanted her to get a change of scenery. Of course, toward the end she was sound asleep. It felt SOOOO great to get out of the house! I can't wait until we can take her places!

Letter to C and J and Weekend with Family

2009-10-26T11:12:00.005-06:00

I finally had enough sleep and enough espresso in me on Saturday to write AND complete a letter to C and J. We aren't due to send them anything for several months but I really wanted to respond to the letter they sent us and I also really wanted to let them know how Nora is doing. I'm so happy that we have finally completed this letter. I'd been crafting it in my head for the last two weeks but was hard pressed to find a good chunk of time to write it. It feels like such a relief to have this completed. It wasn't out of obligation at all but rather just to let them know how much we appreciate our new family.

Speaking of family, we had lots of great visitors and help from family this weekend. My parents came over and watched Nora for several hours while I was able to go to run a week's worth of errands and Joel was able to put our garden to rest and finish building our compost bin. My mom was nice enough to even clean my house! Nora was sleeping so she decided she'd clean with the extra time. This was a tremendous help as we had Joel's parents and brother's family coming over for dinner the next day. I couldn't have pulled it off without all of their help.

It was so much fun to see Joel's family visit Nora for the first time and to watch her grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle and cousins hold her for the first time. It was a great weekend!

Sleep Deprivation and Doggie Depression

2009-10-23T09:53:00.000-06:00

Sleep deprivation can be a funny thing (unless you are my dog). I just looked down and realized after being awake for over four hours and - here's the key- after half a latte - that my tops and bottoms to my pjs don't match. It really doesn't matter if they match or not as I'm just sitting on my couch hanging out with my favorite baby but it's a little disturbing that I didn't notice until now.

I also tend to forget my poor dog outside. He's not an outdoor dog and is sure to remind me of this after he's been left outside for awhile with a whine or a bark. Poor guy. His mom's heads not in the game anymore and what little brain capacity is left is being dedicated to caring for Nora.

I think the dog is getting depressed. He doesn't come very quickly when we call him and he spent a good portion of the morning hanging out in his kennel and had to be coaxed out this morning to go to the bathroom. He's been our fur kid for six years so it's no wonder he's having a hard time. Poor guy. Probably nothing a long walk later today can't cure.

A New Identity: Mom

2009-10-20T08:59:00.006-06:00

I've always been a very independent person and have always held closely to my own identity. It's so interesting now being a mom and adding that to the list of what makes me who I am. I didn't have the perspective that I am now a mom until I left the house yesterday for the first time by myself in 3 weeks. Yes, I have been caring for my daughter for 3 weeks now but sometimes my synapses aren't all firing when I'm doing laundry or changing diapers. It took the perspective of being out of the house for it to hit me that I am someone's mom.

Strangely, I was waiting in line for a flu shot at our local grocery store when I realized- I'm a mom. I'm going to buy things for my daughter today. It took leaving the house and feeling like my "old self" again running errands to reinforce that I am actually a mom. I am going to be coming home to my daughter and this is my new life.

It's also interesting that I've always been an extremely career-driven person and have always worked really hard professionally and I haven't really given a thought about work since I've been gone. (Sorry colleagues, but, I know you are all kicking butt without me). It's so nice to be able to focus on other aspects of myself for a change. Especially since I have defined myself so much by my work in my life. It's nice to be able to rediscover that I'm not a one dimensional person. Just an interesting revelation I thought I'd share. Strange when things hit you while waiting in line for a shot. It's nice to have a few quiet minutes to think I suppose.

Nora is doing great. Now is her active time and she's on her play mat making cute little noises and discovering her own reflection in the mirror. (I've uploaded a video. It's not the most exciting thing you'll ever watch but I'm a proud mom:).

It's so fun to have her awake during more of the day and watching her discover things. I know it's only going to get more fun!

Providing Relief

2009-10-16T07:40:00.004-06:00

I received our letter from C and J a few days ago. Obviously, I won't go into any detail about the letter but it did make me feel compelled to post something related. I think during the adoption process, as adoptive parents, we can become wrapped up in our own anxiety and the sorrow and pain that the birthparents must be feeling that I really didn't take much time to think about the role that we were playing in the lives of the birthparents.

The letter we received reinforced to me that as grateful and happy as adoptive parents are to receive the precious gift of a baby, the birthparents are also able to find some peace and relief by finding a couple to give their child the life that they so desire for them. For some reason, this part of the equation was being lost on me. Receiving this letter helped with some of the initial guilt/sorrow that I was experiencing. Since so many people in blogland are now matched or waiting to be matched I thought that I'd share this thought as it might be helpful or add some consolation or perspective.

I feel so blessed to have been matched with C and J. We received back our "Dear Birthparents" letters from the agency after the match and it was interesting to read over them. Joel and I independently noted that we felt that we would be chosen for a reason and that the birthparents that picked us we'd have an affinity toward and that was the case. I know this might not be the case for Nora's sibling or in other adoptions and I feel so grateful that this was the case for this match.

Losing the Baby Weight

2009-10-14T07:36:00.007-06:00

Joel and I went on a long walk with Nora yesterday as the weather has vastly improved. I was getting extremely stir crazy as we aren't accepting visitors until Friday (we had two weeks of just us to promote attachment) and we can't take Nora into public, especially now that everyone seems to have the flu. So, the walk was great to get out of the house and get some fresh air.

We took a walk through the park and I was commenting on how great the sling was because no one could really touch or see Nora. The sling sits up high enough on me that it would be extremely inappropriate for anyone to try to reach in so we feel like Nora is well protected from germy hands.

We were crossing the street when I commented to Joel that it's sad we can't go in public because I was really looking forward to everyone telling me how great I looked for having such a little baby:). I know, I'm shameless, but I take the compliments where I can get them - deserved or not. We literally set foot on the other side of the street and a woman came up to me and said, "Look at you! Out and about already. Good for you!". She then tried her hardest to see/touch Nora but ended up just patting the underside of the sling. I had such a laugh that I got my "look at you" adoption comment and no one touched my baby. Very productive day!

Home Visit and Legal Paperwork

2009-10-10T09:03:00.006-06:00

Our home visit was great. Nora was a little but fussy so I had her in the sling. We got to visit with our caseworker and she just checked in to see how we're doing. We've been on "lock down" (aka no guests to facilitate bonding) so, it was nice to have adult interaction. We really like her and get along with her well and so it was nice to visit without the stress of waiting. We got to talk a lot about the hospital experience and how things went and felt for us. I haven't written too much about the hospital experience because it was so stressful. It wasn't stressful as in she was thinking of changing her mind or that people were negative but stressful in that you can't maintain that level of emotion for two days straight and not want to have a melt down at the end. I feel extraordinarily blessed by our hospital experience but it was a lot to go through and ours was pretty ideal. We were told our experience and ceremony were in her top 5 of placements she's ever done. So, needless to say, things went really well.

K and J both wrote us letters in the hospital for us and Nora but we haven't read them yet. It was so hard leaving the hospital and every time I looked at Nora I saw K or J's face looking back at me and I kept feeling like I was taking their baby. That night was the same . It is now no longer the case unless she's sleeping and making a pouty face and then she looks like J. I feel like I don't have it in me yet to read the letters. I still feel a little emotionally drained and physically exhausted to go down that road just now. I'm planning on waiting for when we all feel a little more settled and all of our emotions aren't so raw yet.

K and J met with their caseworker yesterday and signed the paperwork. I've been told that, of course, they have good days and bad days but are comfortable with their decisions. Joel and I have also signed our petition to adopt paperwork and submitted that to our caseworker. That means that in Colorado, a judge will need to sign K and J's relinquishment paperwork for it to be final. That usually takes a week or two but we're not worried. I actually haven't been worried since we left the hospital. This just finalizes everything. In about two weeks we won't have any legal risk so Nora is here to stay. We should also find out about a court date soon. Nora's almost officially our daughter.

I also found out that K has written us another letter that our caseworker is sending to us. I haven't written anything to K and J yet. I have so much in my head and in my heart that I want to say to them but I can't find the strength or energy to write it all down. I know that I need to do it soon but I can't bring myself to put pen to paper at the moment.

P.S. My caseworker also pointed out that K's name is actually C. I had discovered this awhile ago and didn't make the switch - I'm not sure why. I think I felt like it might make her name more obvious. However, in the event that I ever share this with Nora it would be nice to have her birthmom's name correct so it will be C from here on out.

Home Visit

2009-10-09T04:46:00.002-06:00

We have our home visit today to check on our progress with Nora. I've been a little bit stressed out about it as I like to have our house look perfect before anyone comes over. There is no perfection today. One week after bringing Nora home, the house is tidy and clean but far from perfect. Our dining room table has become the baby staging area as we have completely abandoned the nursery. I think we've set foot in there less now that we have a baby than we did before. It's just so much easier to have everything that we need next to the living room. Who knew the dining room would become the temporary nursery?!

I figure the important part is she just wants to see how we're all doing. I'm not going to be winning any housekeeping awards but I'm happy to say that Nora seems happy and content and that's all that really matters.

Thank You

2009-10-08T15:47:00.004-06:00

As I had a few seconds this morning, I was thinking about how important this blog and all of you have been in offering support and reflection during this long journey. It's been so therapeutic to connect with people who are on the same path as yourself. Some are further down the path and others have just begun but it's been a phenomenal help and a support to have so many to offer words of encouragement and who understand the journey. So, I just wanted to give a thanks to the adoption blog community and my "bloggy friends" for all of your support and well wishes through this journey. You're the best!

Getting the Hang of This Mom Thing

2009-10-07T08:08:00.003-06:00

I think I'm finally getting the hang of this mom thing. Nora seems to be a happy little baby (most of the time) and we're all adjusting well. I actually slept for 5 hours last night and she's beginning to sleep through the night. The sling is amazing and quiets her immediately and is great for attachment. The swing is invaluable in the middle of the night when I don't have an ounce of energy left. I give her a bottle, let her go for a 3 minute swing and she's ready to sleep. It's great!

I'm so glad/relieved that attachment is going well. I was allowing myself to be able to feel however I was feeling and would know that we'd all fall into place sooner or later (no mater if she was bio or adopted). However, I'm happy to report that I don't feel to be having any problems which is a relief to me. I can't wait to get up in the morning and see little Nora. I'm not sure if these are feelings that ebb and flow but so far so good.

Adjusting to Life with Baby

2009-10-05T14:12:00.005-06:00

Life with baby has been an adjustment. She's precious and beautiful but I'd be lying if I'd say it's all a bed of roses. At 2 am when I'm on what I've dubbed the "salt mine" shift I'm tired and can't imagine how I'm going to do this. When I sleep for 4 hours (hooray!) and wake up to relieve Joel I think she's the most amazing thing in the world and can't wait to get down the stairs to see her. So, that's motherhood so far.

I feel like we've really made progress on our learning curve. Diapering, feeding, changing clothes and all other "tasks" are going great. Sleeping, however, is not. She does not like to be put down and will cry once she leaves our arms. So, we've devised the shift plan. One parent on from 10 am - 3 am and then the other on from 3 am - 7 am. She sleeps a bit from 7 am - 10 am and then the day begins. She was a bit more awake during her doctor's appointment today so I'm hoping that is a sign that she's going to join our time zone.

She's a pretty easy baby and is super easy to comfort. I feel like I've picked up on her cues pretty quickly and she hasn't really cried for no reason yet. She's pretty easy to console and has been fun. She's not awake very much but when she is I love to watch her facial expressions.

The sling is a life saver. Joel is wearing it right now and it's great. Having two hands to do things makes such a difference. I also have been saved by The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. It's indispensable.

The house is a mess, our living room has become mission control and the dog is a little extra needy but all and all I'd say life is good and we're happy to have Nora home.

Welcoming Nora to our Family

2009-10-03T16:39:00.005-06:00

Yesterday was incredibly hard but also incredibly beautiful. K and J were so strong and amazing and I'm so grateful that they are likely to be in our lives. They were so gracious with allowing our family to visit and really enjoyed meeting our families. I think it made them feel even more comfortable with their decision as they saw how happy the grandparents were to meet their new grandchild.

We held a ceremony at approximately 1 pm to recognize Nora's transition to our family. It was incredibly beautiful. A candle with three wicks was lit (illicitly in the hospital) to symbolize Nora and each of our families coming together. Two poems were read and then each of us went around the room expressing our wishes for Nora. Both sets of grandparents were present as well as K and J and K's mother. The only one in the room not sobbing was Nora. She just slept so peacefully. K and J then passed Nora to us. Somehow we all found strength and the ceremony was so beautiful and bittersweet.

We were hoping, because we like K and J, that they might continue to be a part of our lives. K's mom asked if they could attend the baptism and we were happy she asked. I had thought about including them since we are all Catholic and this thread has been very important to them. So, I'm happy they will have a chance to see Nora again for her baptism in December.

By the time the ceremony ended, I was completely exhausted - emotionally, physically and mentally. We wanted to give K and J their time so we didn't really have much time with Nora at the hospital. The time we did have with her we always had a lot of people in the room observing so I was so ready to get home and figure out through trial and error how to be a mom without an audience.

Our first night with Nora was a little trying. She and I were both crying at 1 in the morning. She's an amazing baby and so pleasant and after 4 hours of sleep late this morning - I'm loving every minute of it. We've even mastered the sling and took a little walk through the neighborhood. I'm so happy to have Nora home for good!

Coming Home

2009-10-02T08:07:00.005-06:00

Today is the day that I have been looking forward to for years and the day that has also kept me up at night. I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to do this but today will answer that question.

We were lucky to have a room at the hospital down the hall from K and J. Nora spent the night with them last night and Joel and I crammed into a twin hospital bed. I woke up this morning with a sense of overwhelming joy mixed with overwhelming sorrow. My heart is breaking for K and J this morning and I know that there is nothing that I or anyone else can do to help them through this. I want them to have as much time with Nora as they want or need today. I quickly gave her a bottle and then it's their time until we are all discharged later today and have our placement ceremony.

This is such a hard, bitter-sweet experience. There is so much joy and beauty mixed with so much sorrow. I don't know where I am going to find the strength to have K hand me Nora today.

Nora

2009-10-01T07:48:00.006-06:00

I'm happy to announce that Nora Grace was born yesterday, September 30, at 11 PM. She weighed 7 lbs. 2 oz and is 20 inches long. She's healthy with a full head of black hair. I was lucky enough to be there for the labor and delivery and was able to hold her right after she was born. There really aren't appropriate words to describe that experience.

Leaving the hospital last night was so hard. As you can imagine, I didn't sleep very well knowing that I was so far away and anxiously awoke as soon as I could. I'm trying to give K and J a little bit of space to say hello and good bye but as soon as Joel opens his eyes I think we're back to the hospital.

This is a difficult time as I continue to wish everyone strength and hope that all goes according to plan and that we are able to bring little Nora home.

Please continue to send good thoughts and prayers.

She's In Labor!

2009-09-30T14:33:00.003-06:00

First of all, our Internet is down at our house and I've had a lot to blog about. I decided to take off tomorrow and Friday to prepare and was out visiting donors today for work. I got a call at 11:30 from our caseworker that K has gone to the hospital at 2 cm and they have admitted her.

So, we're supposed to be there at 3:30 pm. We needed to drop the dog at my parents and so I'm quickly using their Internet before we head off to the hospital.

So far all is good. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update this again since C.omcast was coming tomorrow morning to fix our modem that died but clearly we won't be home. Of all times for this to happen!

On a funny note, Joel was so excited about baby that he drafted an email to everyone to announce our birth. He was planning to hit send when the big moment was upon us. Unfortunately, he hit send instead of cancel and prematurely announced the birth to everyone we know. I couldn't figure out why he was clutching his head and yelling "no, no, don't send!". This will be a good story to share with Bambino one day. So, far all of you who got an email- she's not here quite yet.

I'll try to update the best that I can. Please send good thoughts to K and J during this time. Prayers, adoption ju ju, voodoo and all other gestures of good will are welcomed!

Sister Time!

2009-09-28T19:20:00.007-06:00

I had a great time with my sister. It was so phenomenal to have her out here pre-baby and as much as I wanted the baby to hurry along, it was great to have that time with my sister.

She bought bambino the cutest baby outfit (as modeled by Joel) that we'll be bringing to the hospital with us.

We had a great girl day on Saturday while her husband was at the Great American Beer Festival. We went for a massage and then out to lunch. It was perfect.

I'll finish with my favorite quote from my sister that pretty much sums it all up. When I asked her why she was paying for my massage she said, "because you're a mess." Spoken like a sister and very true.

Status Update

2009-09-26T07:41:00.001-06:00

We received an update from our caseworker yesterday and everything seems to be moving along. K is 1 cm dilated but the baby has not dropped yet. She has another doctor appointment on Tuesday. It doesn't look like anything is going to be happening anytime soon. Sadly, I think it's back to work on Monday for me.

Please think good thoughts about K and J during the next week. I know she is pretty ready to go into labor and it doesn't look like that will be happening anytime soon.

New Due Date - Old Due Date

2009-09-23T23:32:00.003-06:00

So, my caseworker called me today and K's caseworker had not mixed up the due date after all. K is due on Sept. 28 and not tomorrow, Sept. 24. I know 4 days doesn't make a difference and babies come when they want. But, sometimes these arbitrary dates are all that you have and when you've been waiting, four days in the opposite direction seems really annoying. So, I scrubbed the hell out of my bathroom floor while prepping for my sister to come and feel much better. It, honestly, really doesn't matter, but it just reminded me of how out of control I am at the moment and sent me on a little tail spin. I know four years of infertility should have taught me this, but, again, I'm a slow learner.

On a happy note, my sister is here!!!! Hooray!

Maternity Leave

2009-09-23T07:06:00.005-06:00

I walked out of the office for possibly the last time yesterday until after my maternity leave. Everything is in order and now I can put work out of my mind. My sister and brother-in-law are coming out today so I had already scheduled taking time off this week. I decided to take an extra day today because I needed to get things in order. Depending when labor begins I might not be back to work until January 4- yikes and hooray!

The "getting things in order" aren't exactly what you'd expect. I had a revelation on the way to work on Monday when I was in a nice dry clean only turtleneck and dress pants- I have no casual clothes. I have one or two outfits for the weekend but that's it! Even my jeans are hemmed to wear with heeled boots. I had the sad realization that I was going to be in my sock monkey pajamas for the next three months if I didn't do something. I made a quick trip to Old Na.vy and bought 6 long sleeved plain shirts ($10 each - not bad) and a pair of jeans that can be worn with tennis shoes, clogs, slippers, socks or whatever my sleep deprived mind might put on my feet. So funny that this was my panicked shopping trip. Apparently for me they also need a list of what mom might need on maternity leave.

I also was OBSESSED with how much I hated our laundry area. After going through diaper washing boot camp this weekend I realized I'd be spending a lot of time in the 100 + year old unfinished portion of our basement. I dropped a clean baby sock and picked it up covered in dust bunnies and that is when the melt down began. One trip to Ta.rget and one $14 rug later and my sanity has been restored. It's the little things.

So, I'm putting the finishing touches on the house and baby room both for bambino (still scared to use her name) and for my sister and brother-in-law.

K is due tomorrow so I'm just taking one day at a time and keeping my cell phone glued to me (or at present in the pocket of my sock money pjs).

Nesting

2009-09-20T07:54:00.007-06:00

Now that we are five days from the due date I'm finally starting to nest. I spent several hours at Bab.ies R U.s yesterday adding the essentials to my cart and creating a new registry. I'm sure the woman at the counter thought I was crazy when I told her I wanted her to delete my old registry and that I'm starting all over and my due date is Thursday*.

We registered over a year ago so half the products probably aren't even relevant anymore and we ended up getting so overwhelmed we just started adding clothes to the registry. Not the best strategy but it did help us cope. So, it was nice to start fresh.

A co-worker generously gave me many of her baby items including a fantastic stroller and Pack and Play and then was kind enough to accompany me to the store to help decipher essentials from good marketing. I've decided that whoever laid out the floor plan at Ba.bies R Us either has no organizational skills or is a complete genius. You think you're in the sheet aisle and buy the expensive sheets (since most people move in a certain flow through a store) and then you turn a corner two aisles away and - more sheets - but much less expensive. Genius!

I then went to a local store The Giggling Green Bean and had a crash course on cloth diapering. I promptly went home and washed the diapers the requisite three times before wear (although more was recommended on some sites). It felt like baby boot camp doing so many successive loads of diapers back to back but it also made if feel so much more real.

This morning I did my best to overcome my fear of this match falling through at the last minute. I removed the tags from all of the baby items that I have purchased and decided to launder them prior to baby. I even, with great hesitation, removed the tags from the gender specific items and the "I love mom" and "I love dad" super cute onesies and added them to the mix. This was a huge leap of faith for me and they are in the washer at this very moment.

*(There is actually great benefit in this for all you adoptive moms who procrastinate- since your 10% off of your remaining registry items coupon won't arrive on time they give it to you that day so I got 10% off of everything I bought THAT DAY! I consider it the adoptive mom discount).

New Due Date and Fabulous Co-Workers

2009-09-18T21:43:00.004-06:00

I've been stressed at work because I was hosting a large meeting today for some donors. I felt like I had to get through this hurdle before I'd fully be prepared to be out of work. With the meeting out of the way, my lovely team kidnapped me for a lunch after the meeting. They took me to a lovely restaurant and showered me with lovely and thoughtful baby gifts. Funny, the most exciting thing was a sign that said "Welcome Nora Grace". It was so exciting to see the name that we (FINALLY) had decided on in writing. It made it feel so real. They also pointed out that this was likely my last Friday at work as I'm taking next Friday off for a visit from my sister. It was so sweet that I received such thoughtful gifts and that my colleagues were so sweet. (Funny aside, one of my colleagues is due in December and is looking lovely and pregnant and it was so funny to imagine the confusion at adjoining tables why I was the one opening all of the baby gifts).

I also received an email from our caseworker that K is actually due on September 24 and not September 28. It doesn't really matter as due dates are so arbitrary but that's in less than a week. Holy crap!!! I love that it's sooner rather than later since I'm so impatient. I'm sleeping with the phone right up by my ear these days. Hopefully, more fun and exciting updates to come.

Adoption is Not Easy for Us Non-Celebrities

2009-09-16T16:59:00.005-06:00

I'm a little bit perturbed by all of the international celebrity adoptions taking place these days. I am all for people adopting and raising awareness in the media about adoptive issues. However, I always hope that it is a true desire to parent an adopted child that is driving this trend and that it's with eyes wide open to the issues and blessings that come with adoption.

I feel like with each celebrity adoption this notion of "saving a child" keeps getting reinforced in the media. I've already been on my soapbox about this topic in this blog post: http://waitingforbambino.blogspot.com/2009/05/selfishness-of-adoption.html but it really gets to me. My husband has not had the onslaught of comments as much as I have because he's a much more private person but now that he's been making our imminent adoption public he's been confronted with this notion of the "noble adopter" so much more. Of course, he always gives the pat answer of "we're the lucky ones". I wish that somehow we could change this notion. I guess we can one person at a time.

It's also frustrating because the adoption process is not easy. It's mentally, emotionally and financially taxing and I think that sometimes people loose site of this. While I'm so incredibly excited for our baby to (hopefully) join us there are so many conflicting emotions that take place inside my heart and mind each day around this process that the flippantness with which adoption can be treated in the media and society has struck a particular chord with me in my current state of angst.

I'm now stepping off the soap box and feel much better getting that off my chest and into the blogosphere (yet again). You'd thinking all that soaking in New Mexico would have calmed me down!

Baby Moon

2009-09-15T19:56:00.007-06:00

Joel and I decided to clear the over-booked calendar for a weekend and take a trip to Ojo Caliente in New Mexico. It's a hot springs that we used to go to a lot but haven't been back in such a long time. It was really nice to revisit this decidedly un-kid-friendly place.

Ironically, a friend and I went here about four years ago for a last-hurrah before baby (because of course we were going to get pregnant immediately). I'm not letting this past experience jinx me (although it did cross my mind).

It was so relaxing to just forget about everything and go soak away all of our pre-adoption anxiety. It reminded me how important it is to take time out and to focus on your relationship. We had such a great time relaxing together and talking. It was definitely worth the reality check that we both got upon returning to the real world.

Second Meeting with K and J

2009-09-08T13:49:00.004-06:00

I just finished our meeting with K and J today. It was so nice to be able to meet with them again. We met at Starbu.cks so it was so much more comfortable than meeting at the agency. The meeting was great. We were able to laugh and share stories and discuss names. It was so nice to be in such a relaxed environment. It was great because K brought her mom so we were also able to meet her as well and more importantly, she was able to meet us. It was such a nice meeting and I think we all feel really comfortable with each other.

It sounds like she's right on track with her due date and might potentially be a little bit early. She was also kind enough to bring an ultrasound picture for us. It's surreal to look at and to think that that might be my daughter. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around what is happening. I'm not sure why this is. I can't explain my emotions at the moment. I look at the ultrasound and feel hope and excitement mingled with sadness.

Adoption is so intense. As much as you want to experience the joys of adoption you know that the process contains so much sorrow as well. It feels so hard to think about everything that K and J are going through. It's got to be such a painful process and I think my mind right now is having a hard time getting passed that. I just keep thinking about what our caseworker said to us, "take one day at a time".

For today, I'm very grateful for an amazing meeting with some very amazing people who are soon to become an intimate part of my life. I'm also beyond-words grateful for a glimpse at my future daughter.

Continuing a Tradition

2009-09-07T10:38:00.010-06:00

Joel's parents came down to visit yesterday and brought with them a bassinet that they had lovingly restored and finished. The bassinet has been passed down to numerous family members. The tradition is that each child's name is written on the base of the bassinet to indicate that they have used it.

Joel's parents both spent quite a bit of time refinishing and staining the bassinet to perfection. As you can see, it's perfectly restored. I've also received some beautiful heirlooms from my parents including hand knitted sweaters that my mom had worn and a beautiful quilt in which each of my aunts embroidered a square for me when I was born. It's so amazing to have all of these family heirlooms. I'm so grateful that these have been saved to be passed on to us.

The baby room is still a work in progress. It took Joel a few days to paint the baby room. He re-painted the ceiling, the walls and finished the trim. The room looks great. I have yet to put back together the crib or get anything else together but it's in the closet when I'm ready.

We are meeting K and J tomorrow for coffee. I've had a lot going on in my life this last week, including, unfortunately, a death in the family, so I haven't really thought about this much. If anyone is on the other side of adoption and has any recommendations of things to discuss that I might not think of, please leave me a comment. My mind is not in the best place at the moment.

No Longer Quite as Crazy

2009-08-29T08:23:00.003-06:00

I'm in a much better place than last time that I posted. I think work is feeling more manageable and I'm not as riddled with doubt as I have been over the last month. I think it's just taken awhile for everything to sink in and for me to get to that happy place. The first time that we received "the call" I was immediately in the happy place. This time it's taken me quite a bit longer but I've finally arrived.

A colleague and fellow adoptive mom counseled me that she felt the exact same way when she got "the call". It's a lot to take in and to process.

I've also been having that feeling of "what are we doing?". It's hard when your entire life is going to turn upside down in 4 short weeks to process all of that. It's very clear that I've been wanting to start a family for a VERY long time but when it actually comes to fruition it's a really scary thing. I keep thinking of all of the ways our lives are going to be different, better, but still different. I think it's probably the feeling that you have when you first see that positive on the pregnancy test. "That's so great and holy crap what have we done!" all mixed into one. This has been the overwhelming emotion I have been feeling this week mixed with the opposite emotion of fear that this isn't going to happen.

I'm not sure what's changed but I'm no longer having a flip out over the huge lifestyle and priority shift that will be happening in my world soon or the fear of K and J changing their minds. This might be short lived but I'm enjoying it. I was in a week of focusing on the negative and now my thoughts have take a turn for the better.

I'm thinking of all of the exciting things that we've waited for years to do with our bambino. I'm realizing I can actually go buy gender specific clothes. It's all slowly starting to sink in. I never realized I was so slow to process and accept change.

The Wheels Are Coming Off the Wagon

2009-08-26T18:23:00.002-06:00

I'm a complete wreck right now. I was trying to think of a nicer way to say that but, really, why mince words? I feel like I'm about to go on a really long vacation and I'm not able to concentrate on the amazing trip or the beach yet because I have to slog through all the prep work to get out of town.

I'm slowly coming to realize that bambino is coming to join us and I'm getting excited but I'm also so overwhelmed by this crazy new deadline to finish work on the house and get necessary baby items and wrap-up and pass off projects at work.

Luckily, my friends and family are amazing and have been giving me many items that they no longer use. I'm also very stressed about finishing up my professional work. I have a great team who will be phenomenal while I'm out but I hate leaving them with so much to do and to cover. My leave is also coinciding perfectly with budget and planning which leaves me frantic under normal circumstances and a complete disaster at present. I know it will all get done and after a bath and a glass of wine I'm sure I'll have a new perspective but for right now there aren't enough hours in the day.

On a positive note- we'll be able to knock out a lot of our home projects over Labor Day weekend and we then get to see K and J again on September 8 which makes me very happy. We also have planned a little getaway in September. Just thinking about leaving town already makes me feel better!

Honest Scrap Blog Award

2009-08-23T08:43:00.010-06:00

This award is courtesy of RB at Baby Mac...Where are you? http://ouradoptionjourney-bm.blogspot.com/

There are three rules for this award: First, link back to the person who gave you the award (see above).

Next, give the award to 10 other bloggers:

1. Melba at Dreams Really do Come True: http://mandmadopt.blogspot.com/ Melba's is the first adoption blog that I found when I started searching for other blogs. I found her blog right when she got "the call". Melba's already received this award but rightfully so. She's so supportive of all of the adoption bloggers out there with her thoughtful comments.

2. Lavender Luz at http://www.weebleswobblog.com/ This again is one of the first adoption blogs I've found and really an incredible resources. If you haven't been to this blog it's a must to add to your list.

3. Ashley at http://morethandogchildren.blogspot.com/ This blog has been great to remind me that no matter how long the wait there is a baby at the end of the journey.

4. E at Waiting for Baby: http://finallyababyforus.blogspot.com/ I love her honesty and can relate to so much of what she has to say about this journey.

5. Laurie at http://adoptioncreatesfamilies.blogspot.com/ This blog has also really given me hope that a child will happen for us. Laurie has been keeping a blog for a long time and it's great to read about her experiences and day to day life with her two beautiful kids.

6. Melissa at Full Circle: http://coloradodentons.blogspot.com/ Melissa's blog is another that I found when I first started searching and she's a fellow Colorado Blogger. I love her sense of humor and perspective.

7. Kel at http://pastedtogether.blogspot.com/ I just found this blog and have enjoyed reading it.

8. Goggy Coffee: http://goggycoffee.blogspot.com/ This is a great blog that features the male perspective of adoption and he's a contributor to Adoptive Families magazine.

9. Rebekah at http://wheredoibegain.blogspot.com/ Blogs about her experiences as a birthmom and mom.

10. SJ at http://missednote.blogspot.com/ This is a great and very honest blog from a birthmother. I love reading her perspective on adoption. I am so grateful to the amazing birthmothers who share their experiences.

I thought it would be hard to pick 10 bloggers as I didn't think that I followed any more than 10 but as I scrolled through the blogs on my blogger account I have realized that I follow the journey of so many amazing women (and one man). It's so amazing to have such a great blogger community to support one another through this journey. There are many more amazing blogs than just these 10.

I'm now reluctantly typing the last part of the award- 10 things about myself:

1. I just took a quiz on Facebook that told me that I'm right brained and most like Twisted Sister in "What 80s Band Are You?"

2. I love food and cooking. It's a great escape for me and a huge passion of mine.

3. I'm a certified Kansas City BBQ Society judge.

4. I met my husband at a really seedy punk rock dive bar AND I hit on him.

5. I love the water and a prerequisite of any vacation is that water is close by.

6. I love growing and picking food and have a great garden and my husband and I have started hunting porcini mushrooms in the Rocky Mountains.

7. I love blogging and following everyone's journeys. It's much cheaper than a therapist.

8. I can't survive without caffeine in the morning. This is not a joke.

9. I've known two of my closest friends since I was 2 and 5 and feel blessed to have such an amazing supportive group of people around me.

10. I'm not good at waiting.

Baby Room Round 2

2009-08-23T08:24:00.004-06:00

It's been a whirlwind of a month. We've officially been in our house for about 5 weeks and we're finally getting settled. Most things are unpacked (except for the stuff we put in the basement and just shut the door) and we are slowly making things are own. We still don't have any of our artwork up on the walls and there is a lot of painting that we'd like to do.

Prior to a couple of weeks ago I decided I was going to leave all of the baby stuff in the closet. I had moved everything into the closet to clean the room and then decided that that was where the nursery was going to stay. Of course, the morning that I came to this decision we got the call.

We're now fixing up the baby room again. The previous owners had it painted a bright yellow. It's a cheery color and I don't really mind it but Joel can't stand it so we're going to paint the room. Bright yellow wouldn't be my first choice for the baby room so I'm happy to comply. So, today, we are going to fix up the baby nursery. We've put paint swatches on the wall to determine the very best color and off we go.

I have to be honest- I'm still reluctant to set-up the nursery. I'm even more reluctant because we are going to have our baby girl in mind as we paint the nursery and begin to get everything fixed up. I think it was easier when we didn't have a baby in mind to set-up the nursery. My mind keeps going to "what if this doesn't work out". This nursery is directly across the hall from our bedroom. I can't fathom seeing it every day if this doesn't work out. (But, then again, I won't have to because I'll be taking a very very long vacation somewhere:).

I'm still allowing myself to get excited and to pick out names. I've ordered bottles and nursery accessories off of Ama.zon and we are definitely preparing. I'm really excited but there is that voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me to be careful. I think it's all the years of fertility treatments and disappointments and our failed match that are so hard to shake.

I'm not sure what will put my mind at ease other than having baby in my arms at home. K and J are amazing and have created such a thorough plan. It's really the most ideal situation and so well thought out and I think that's what scares me the most.

Now that that's all off my chest, I'm off to paint and create a more restful atmosphere for the baby so she doesn't have to wake up to electric yellow every morning.

Bambino's Story

2009-08-18T20:24:00.003-06:00

It's been fun to slowly start telling people that we have been matched. It's a difficult decision to make because, obviously, nothing is definitive. But, I've decided to start to tell people, especially people at work, because I just can't disappear for 3 months and have to have plans in place. (Although disappearing sounds so appealing). I wanted to wait until after we met K and J to gauge the situation and then begin to spread the news.

It's been interesting sharing with people because immediately everyone wants to know all about the birthparents. This is information that we are not sharing because it is bambino's story and not ours to share. I can't tell you the number of times in the last two days that I've said, "I'm sorry, that's not information that we're sharing". I don't resent anyone for asking. I think it's the first place that your brain goes when someone tells you they've been matched. Once I explain to them why we don't share the information they tend to understand immediatley.

It's mostly been hard not to share with my family and sister. I tell my sister everything and it's the first time that I've not shared something with her. Of course, she is great and completely understands.

It's interesting to already feel a protectiveness over bambino before she is even here.

Meeting K and J: Bambino's Birthparents

2009-08-15T07:34:00.003-06:00

We had our first meeting yesterday with K and J, Bambino's birthparents. I had worked myself into an utter disaster in anticipation of this meeting. On Tuesday I developed what I think might be eczema. The skin on the palm side of my fingers looked like I'd been in a bath for about a week and my skin was flaking and peeling off and felt like sand paper- very sexy I know. My co-worker commented that while I didn't seem stressed she hypothesized that bottling it up was making it ooze out of my fingers. (I think she's not too far off because right after our meeting my "condition" has vastly improved.)

Needless to say, I was a complete wreck. We had our meeting yesterday morning and I actually slept well the night before and seemed fine. The moment I got into the car it became very real and I was so stressed. We had to take the dog to the groomer first, which was a bit funny because he hates the groomer, so he was really stressed out too and was anxiously pacing around the back seat and panting loudly. Everyone in the car was a complete wreck, dog included. I really thought I'd become ill at any moment.

We finally arrived at Adoption Options and met with our caseworker. We strategized about how the room should be set-up and what would be most comfortable. We decided on cramming around a small circular table as that would be most intimate. We then just waited for K and J to arrive.

K and J walked into the room and it's a strange feeling to be seeing them for the first time. I never had an image in my mind of what our birthparents would look like and I had no expectations but it's so remarkable to see someone for the first time. I'm sure they had the same experience laying eyes on us for the first time as well (although, of course, they saw us in the video).

I can't even articulate what utter nervous disasters all of us were. It actually made me feel better that we were all equally as nervous. I felt like we were a group of pre-teens meeting for the first time and the caseworkers were helping to move along a normal adult conversation. I'm generally a fairly articulate person and I felt like I was bumbling through everything that I was trying to say. It's such an awkward and difficult meeting even though we clearly all liked each other off the bat. Luckily, our caseworker had warned us that this meeting is just awkward for everyone. That was reassuring.

I really liked both K. and J. They are very amazing, thoughtful and self-less individuals. I felt at ease with K. as she actually reminds me quite a bit of my cousin and that familiarity helped. She was so very thoughtful and has given a great deal of thought to her plan of adoption to the point of finding a space for us during her hospital tour. She has welcomed us into the hospital and myself into the delivery room because she thought that I might like to have that experience since I wasn't able to have that on my own. I felt that that was incredibly thoughtful and selfless. I'm trying to give her as much space as I can because I can't even imagine what giving birth would be like and I told her that she can just see how she feels minute by minute and we will respect whatever she wants and not take anything personally.

K has given so much thought to her plan of adoption that she's creating a baby book for the baby with photos all about her and her family and information explaining her decision. I can't tell you what this means to me. I'm so incredibly grateful to her for her love and devotion to the bambino. It is so utterly clear in every decision that she makes and everything that she does.

I think K and J are trying to be very sensitive to boundaries but I really want to make sure they are comfortable with us so I offered another meeting if they'd like. They decided to take us up on another meeting and we'll be meeting with them again in early September at a more casual location. I'm so grateful for another opportunity to meet with them where we will have our initial jitters out of the way and it will be more relaxed.

We ended the meeting by taking a group photo. I still can't believe that this is really happening. I think I've looked at this photo many times over the past 12 hours to make it sink in that this is real. I have to keep looking at our camera to remind myself that this is happening. I was yet again looking at the photo this morning and Joel commented that K and I actually have very similar faces and smiles and that we actually look alike.

I feel so blessed to have K and J as our birthparents and to have this incredibly wonderful situation. This is far better than I could have imagined.

Sinking In

2009-08-08T07:44:00.006-06:00

"The call" is so much more real to me this morning. I realized as I was becoming emotional blow drying my hair that this could be our baby. I realized I unconsciously spend quite a bit of time while blow drying my hair thinking about our situation, parenthood and how life will be different after baby. This morning I caught myself going through a list of names for a baby girl and it sort of hit me that we might really be having a baby in a little over a month. I never allow myself to really think too concretely about baby and the fact that I could allow myself to think about baby names really hit me. I need to pick out a baby name soon for an actual baby that will be here before I know it.