September 22, 2008

Four Months and Counting

We've officially been waiting for four months for bambino. Honestly, the time has gone by pretty quickly. I've been trying to temper my impulses to buy things for baby for the fear that s/he is going to be dressed exclusively in polk-a-dots and yellow and green. I'm saving some of my shopping for when I'm shopping for a baby that will soon join our family.

I think it's been important for me to start preparing. I'm not going to have 9 months of pregnancy to get ready for baby mentally, emotionally and physically, so, it's been helpful to begin preparing a space for baby both in our physical space and psychologically. Shopping and reading baby books and books about adoption are helping me to accomplish this mental and emotional preparation.

Part of me is resisting the urge to go crazy and buy everything. I think it's going to be important for me to be shopping for my actual child. Of course, in the back of my mind, I still have a bit of fear about doing this. It's easier to shop for a hypothetical child in adoption than a real child. What if our birthmother changes her mind and I've bought clothes and toys for a baby that will not be coming home to me? That's a hard reality about adoption. It's one that doesn't happen as often as people think but one that lives in the back of my mind and creeps into my consciousness every now and then when I think about baby.

We live in a two bedroom condo in the city so I can't help but to see the baby's room. It used to be our office and it is directly across from our bedroom. When I get up in the morning and leave our room the first thing that I see is our changing table. I try to picture my baby on that table. Sometimes it's an African American boy, sometimes a girl with dark hair, dark eyes and olive skin, sometimes it's a freckled girl with red hair. I really have no idea what my baby might look like so I just change up the bambino every so often in my mind. I wonder if people who are having a biological child do this? The variations probably would not be as vast. Probably more like green eyes vs. blue or brown hair vs. blond.

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