August 29, 2009

No Longer Quite as Crazy

I'm in a much better place than last time that I posted. I think work is feeling more manageable and I'm not as riddled with doubt as I have been over the last month. I think it's just taken awhile for everything to sink in and for me to get to that happy place. The first time that we received "the call" I was immediately in the happy place. This time it's taken me quite a bit longer but I've finally arrived.

A colleague and fellow adoptive mom counseled me that she felt the exact same way when she got "the call". It's a lot to take in and to process.

I've also been having that feeling of "what are we doing?". It's hard when your entire life is going to turn upside down in 4 short weeks to process all of that. It's very clear that I've been wanting to start a family for a VERY long time but when it actually comes to fruition it's a really scary thing. I keep thinking of all of the ways our lives are going to be different, better, but still different. I think it's probably the feeling that you have when you first see that positive on the pregnancy test. "That's so great and holy crap what have we done!" all mixed into one. This has been the overwhelming emotion I have been feeling this week mixed with the opposite emotion of fear that this isn't going to happen.

I'm not sure what's changed but I'm no longer having a flip out over the huge lifestyle and priority shift that will be happening in my world soon or the fear of K and J changing their minds. This might be short lived but I'm enjoying it. I was in a week of focusing on the negative and now my thoughts have take a turn for the better.

I'm thinking of all of the exciting things that we've waited for years to do with our bambino. I'm realizing I can actually go buy gender specific clothes. It's all slowly starting to sink in. I never realized I was so slow to process and accept change.

August 26, 2009

The Wheels Are Coming Off the Wagon

I'm a complete wreck right now. I was trying to think of a nicer way to say that but, really, why mince words? I feel like I'm about to go on a really long vacation and I'm not able to concentrate on the amazing trip or the beach yet because I have to slog through all the prep work to get out of town.

I'm slowly coming to realize that bambino is coming to join us and I'm getting excited but I'm also so overwhelmed by this crazy new deadline to finish work on the house and get necessary baby items and wrap-up and pass off projects at work.

Luckily, my friends and family are amazing and have been giving me many items that they no longer use. I'm also very stressed about finishing up my professional work. I have a great team who will be phenomenal while I'm out but I hate leaving them with so much to do and to cover. My leave is also coinciding perfectly with budget and planning which leaves me frantic under normal circumstances and a complete disaster at present. I know it will all get done and after a bath and a glass of wine I'm sure I'll have a new perspective but for right now there aren't enough hours in the day.

On a positive note- we'll be able to knock out a lot of our home projects over Labor Day weekend and we then get to see K and J again on September 8 which makes me very happy. We also have planned a little getaway in September. Just thinking about leaving town already makes me feel better!

August 23, 2009

Honest Scrap Blog Award

This award is courtesy of RB at Baby Mac...Where are you?

There are three rules for this award: First, link back to the person who gave you the award (see above).

Next, give the award to 10 other bloggers:

1. Melba at Dreams Really do Come True: Melba's is the first adoption blog that I found when I started searching for other blogs. I found her blog right when she got "the call". Melba's already received this award but rightfully so. She's so supportive of all of the adoption bloggers out there with her thoughtful comments.

2. Lavender Luz at This again is one of the first adoption blogs I've found and really an incredible resources. If you haven't been to this blog it's a must to add to your list.

3. Ashley at This blog has been great to remind me that no matter how long the wait there is a baby at the end of the journey.

4. E at Waiting for Baby: I love her honesty and can relate to so much of what she has to say about this journey.

5. Laurie at This blog has also really given me hope that a child will happen for us. Laurie has been keeping a blog for a long time and it's great to read about her experiences and day to day life with her two beautiful kids.

6. Melissa at Full Circle: Melissa's blog is another that I found when I first started searching and she's a fellow Colorado Blogger. I love her sense of humor and perspective.

7. Kel at I just found this blog and have enjoyed reading it.
8. Goggy Coffee: This is a great blog that features the male perspective of adoption and he's a contributor to Adoptive Families magazine.
9. Rebekah at Blogs about her experiences as a birthmom and mom.

10. SJ at This is a great and very honest blog from a birthmother. I love reading her perspective on adoption. I am so grateful to the amazing birthmothers who share their experiences.

I thought it would be hard to pick 10 bloggers as I didn't think that I followed any more than 10 but as I scrolled through the blogs on my blogger account I have realized that I follow the journey of so many amazing women (and one man). It's so amazing to have such a great blogger community to support one another through this journey. There are many more amazing blogs than just these 10.

I'm now reluctantly typing the last part of the award- 10 things about myself:
1. I just took a quiz on Facebook that told me that I'm right brained and most like Twisted Sister in "What 80s Band Are You?"

2. I love food and cooking. It's a great escape for me and a huge passion of mine.

3. I'm a certified Kansas City BBQ Society judge.

4. I met my husband at a really seedy punk rock dive bar AND I hit on him.

5. I love the water and a prerequisite of any vacation is that water is close by.

6. I love growing and picking food and have a great garden and my husband and I have started hunting porcini mushrooms in the Rocky Mountains.

7. I love blogging and following everyone's journeys. It's much cheaper than a therapist.

8. I can't survive without caffeine in the morning. This is not a joke.

9. I've known two of my closest friends since I was 2 and 5 and feel blessed to have such an amazing supportive group of people around me.

10. I'm not good at waiting.

Baby Room Round 2

It's been a whirlwind of a month. We've officially been in our house for about 5 weeks and we're finally getting settled. Most things are unpacked (except for the stuff we put in the basement and just shut the door) and we are slowly making things are own. We still don't have any of our artwork up on the walls and there is a lot of painting that we'd like to do.

Prior to a couple of weeks ago I decided I was going to leave all of the baby stuff in the closet. I had moved everything into the closet to clean the room and then decided that that was where the nursery was going to stay. Of course, the morning that I came to this decision we got the call.

We're now fixing up the baby room again. The previous owners had it painted a bright yellow. It's a cheery color and I don't really mind it but Joel can't stand it so we're going to paint the room. Bright yellow wouldn't be my first choice for the baby room so I'm happy to comply. So, today, we are going to fix up the baby nursery. We've put paint swatches on the wall to determine the very best color and off we go.

I have to be honest- I'm still reluctant to set-up the nursery. I'm even more reluctant because we are going to have our baby girl in mind as we paint the nursery and begin to get everything fixed up. I think it was easier when we didn't have a baby in mind to set-up the nursery. My mind keeps going to "what if this doesn't work out". This nursery is directly across the hall from our bedroom. I can't fathom seeing it every day if this doesn't work out. (But, then again, I won't have to because I'll be taking a very very long vacation somewhere:).

I'm still allowing myself to get excited and to pick out names. I've ordered bottles and nursery accessories off of Ama.zon and we are definitely preparing. I'm really excited but there is that voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me to be careful. I think it's all the years of fertility treatments and disappointments and our failed match that are so hard to shake.

I'm not sure what will put my mind at ease other than having baby in my arms at home. K and J are amazing and have created such a thorough plan. It's really the most ideal situation and so well thought out and I think that's what scares me the most.

Now that that's all off my chest, I'm off to paint and create a more restful atmosphere for the baby so she doesn't have to wake up to electric yellow every morning.

August 18, 2009

Bambino's Story

It's been fun to slowly start telling people that we have been matched. It's a difficult decision to make because, obviously, nothing is definitive. But, I've decided to start to tell people, especially people at work, because I just can't disappear for 3 months and have to have plans in place. (Although disappearing sounds so appealing). I wanted to wait until after we met K and J to gauge the situation and then begin to spread the news.

It's been interesting sharing with people because immediately everyone wants to know all about the birthparents. This is information that we are not sharing because it is bambino's story and not ours to share. I can't tell you the number of times in the last two days that I've said, "I'm sorry, that's not information that we're sharing". I don't resent anyone for asking. I think it's the first place that your brain goes when someone tells you they've been matched. Once I explain to them why we don't share the information they tend to understand immediatley.

It's mostly been hard not to share with my family and sister. I tell my sister everything and it's the first time that I've not shared something with her. Of course, she is great and completely understands.

It's interesting to already feel a protectiveness over bambino before she is even here.

August 15, 2009

Meeting K and J: Bambino's Birthparents

We had our first meeting yesterday with K and J, Bambino's birthparents. I had worked myself into an utter disaster in anticipation of this meeting. On Tuesday I developed what I think might be eczema. The skin on the palm side of my fingers looked like I'd been in a bath for about a week and my skin was flaking and peeling off and felt like sand paper- very sexy I know. My co-worker commented that while I didn't seem stressed she hypothesized that bottling it up was making it ooze out of my fingers. (I think she's not too far off because right after our meeting my "condition" has vastly improved.)

Needless to say, I was a complete wreck. We had our meeting yesterday morning and I actually slept well the night before and seemed fine. The moment I got into the car it became very real and I was so stressed. We had to take the dog to the groomer first, which was a bit funny because he hates the groomer, so he was really stressed out too and was anxiously pacing around the back seat and panting loudly. Everyone in the car was a complete wreck, dog included. I really thought I'd become ill at any moment.

We finally arrived at Adoption Options and met with our caseworker. We strategized about how the room should be set-up and what would be most comfortable. We decided on cramming around a small circular table as that would be most intimate. We then just waited for K and J to arrive.

K and J walked into the room and it's a strange feeling to be seeing them for the first time. I never had an image in my mind of what our birthparents would look like and I had no expectations but it's so remarkable to see someone for the first time. I'm sure they had the same experience laying eyes on us for the first time as well (although, of course, they saw us in the video).

I can't even articulate what utter nervous disasters all of us were. It actually made me feel better that we were all equally as nervous. I felt like we were a group of pre-teens meeting for the first time and the caseworkers were helping to move along a normal adult conversation. I'm generally a fairly articulate person and I felt like I was bumbling through everything that I was trying to say. It's such an awkward and difficult meeting even though we clearly all liked each other off the bat. Luckily, our caseworker had warned us that this meeting is just awkward for everyone. That was reassuring.

I really liked both K. and J. They are very amazing, thoughtful and self-less individuals. I felt at ease with K. as she actually reminds me quite a bit of my cousin and that familiarity helped. She was so very thoughtful and has given a great deal of thought to her plan of adoption to the point of finding a space for us during her hospital tour. She has welcomed us into the hospital and myself into the delivery room because she thought that I might like to have that experience since I wasn't able to have that on my own. I felt that that was incredibly thoughtful and selfless. I'm trying to give her as much space as I can because I can't even imagine what giving birth would be like and I told her that she can just see how she feels minute by minute and we will respect whatever she wants and not take anything personally.

K has given so much thought to her plan of adoption that she's creating a baby book for the baby with photos all about her and her family and information explaining her decision. I can't tell you what this means to me. I'm so incredibly grateful to her for her love and devotion to the bambino. It is so utterly clear in every decision that she makes and everything that she does.

I think K and J are trying to be very sensitive to boundaries but I really want to make sure they are comfortable with us so I offered another meeting if they'd like. They decided to take us up on another meeting and we'll be meeting with them again in early September at a more casual location. I'm so grateful for another opportunity to meet with them where we will have our initial jitters out of the way and it will be more relaxed.

We ended the meeting by taking a group photo. I still can't believe that this is really happening. I think I've looked at this photo many times over the past 12 hours to make it sink in that this is real. I have to keep looking at our camera to remind myself that this is happening. I was yet again looking at the photo this morning and Joel commented that K and I actually have very similar faces and smiles and that we actually look alike.

I feel so blessed to have K and J as our birthparents and to have this incredibly wonderful situation. This is far better than I could have imagined.

August 8, 2009

Sinking In

"The call" is so much more real to me this morning. I realized as I was becoming emotional blow drying my hair that this could be our baby. I realized I unconsciously spend quite a bit of time while blow drying my hair thinking about our situation, parenthood and how life will be different after baby. This morning I caught myself going through a list of names for a baby girl and it sort of hit me that we might really be having a baby in a little over a month. I never allow myself to really think too concretely about baby and the fact that I could allow myself to think about baby names really hit me. I need to pick out a baby name soon for an actual baby that will be here before I know it.

August 7, 2009

The Call

Today we got "the call". I knew it was "the call" because I had just been emailing home study dates with our caseworker and knew that she wouldn't be calling unless it was important since we had just been emailing.

She let us know that we had been selected by a family and they are having a baby girl on September 28. I was at work when I got the call and tried to conference in Joel. I did a miserable job of trying to connect our phones and then our caseworker gave it a shot with success. I was so glad that Joel and I were able to hear the information simultaneously - unlike last time.

The situation seems positive and we are going to learn more and meet mom and dad. I keep vacilating between excitement and feeling numb. I think I'm a little bit overwhelmed and I'm worried to get too excited. I think it's so much to take in.

I'm a bit of a superstitious person so here are some of the things that I find to be interesting:

  • I've negletcted wearing my adoption juju bracelet this week and finally remembered to wear it today. I even made that comment to my co-worker who gave it to me that I finally have it on. In addition, I planned on working a half day and got the call from our caseworker an hour before it was time for me to leave.

  • Joel's sister is in town from Michigan and she and Joel's mom were planning to meet him for lunch. They heard the exciting news and Carol, his sister, shared that she had just made a comment that it would be great if we got "the call" while she was out. Joel's mom responded with, "wouldn't that be something". Carol then said a little prayer that if God wanted things to work that way she wouldn't be disappointed.

  • My mom was also teaching school and had the word "newborn". She used it in a sentence: "I'm going to be the grandma to a newborn".

  • Finally, my sister is going to be out here when baby is due.

I guess we're all trying to will this little bambino into our lives the best that we can through prayer, juju and whatever other means we can think of at our disposal. It's such a nerve wracking place to find myself again. I'm excited but sort of can't believe that it's real. I felt some serious emotions welling up when I called my sister but had to suppress them because I didn't want to start bawling at work. Now I think I'm just in shock. I'm sure it will all sink in over the weekend. It's hard to believe that I might not be waiting for bambino for much longer.

August 6, 2009

New Update

We received our update and I'm so happy to report that we find ourselves in the single digits. Yes- we have reached #9 on the adoption wait list!

I have been conflicted this month about bambino. I'm not as anxious as I was for the call because we have so much to do to get moved in. I'm having a lot of fun enjoying the new house with my husband and it's kind of (only kind of) taken my mind off of the wait for bambino. It's been a very stressful and expensive diversion, but a good one.

August 1, 2009

Adoption Gifts and Some Good JuJu

A colleague of mine is an adoptive mom and just got back from African American/Caribbean Heritage Camp and brought back for me the most beautiful beaded bracelet for some good adoption "Ju-Ju". I think I'm a touch superstitious so I don't think it would be a bad thing to wear it constantly until we get "the call". The bracelet is made by Ugandan women who are trying to create sustainable lives for themselves and their families

My colleague really wants us to be at camp with her so I think she's willing us to be placed with an African American baby so that we can join her. I'm up for any baby that wants to make his/her way our direction!