August 29, 2009
A colleague and fellow adoptive mom counseled me that she felt the exact same way when she got "the call". It's a lot to take in and to process.
I've also been having that feeling of "what are we doing?". It's hard when your entire life is going to turn upside down in 4 short weeks to process all of that. It's very clear that I've been wanting to start a family for a VERY long time but when it actually comes to fruition it's a really scary thing. I keep thinking of all of the ways our lives are going to be different, better, but still different. I think it's probably the feeling that you have when you first see that positive on the pregnancy test. "That's so great and holy crap what have we done!" all mixed into one. This has been the overwhelming emotion I have been feeling this week mixed with the opposite emotion of fear that this isn't going to happen.
I'm not sure what's changed but I'm no longer having a flip out over the huge lifestyle and priority shift that will be happening in my world soon or the fear of K and J changing their minds. This might be short lived but I'm enjoying it. I was in a week of focusing on the negative and now my thoughts have take a turn for the better.
I'm thinking of all of the exciting things that we've waited for years to do with our bambino. I'm realizing I can actually go buy gender specific clothes. It's all slowly starting to sink in. I never realized I was so slow to process and accept change.
August 26, 2009
I'm slowly coming to realize that bambino is coming to join us and I'm getting excited but I'm also so overwhelmed by this crazy new deadline to finish work on the house and get necessary baby items and wrap-up and pass off projects at work.
Luckily, my friends and family are amazing and have been giving me many items that they no longer use. I'm also very stressed about finishing up my professional work. I have a great team who will be phenomenal while I'm out but I hate leaving them with so much to do and to cover. My leave is also coinciding perfectly with budget and planning which leaves me frantic under normal circumstances and a complete disaster at present. I know it will all get done and after a bath and a glass of wine I'm sure I'll have a new perspective but for right now there aren't enough hours in the day.
On a positive note- we'll be able to knock out a lot of our home projects over Labor Day weekend and we then get to see K and J again on September 8 which makes me very happy. We also have planned a little getaway in September. Just thinking about leaving town already makes me feel better!
August 23, 2009
3. Ashley at http://morethandogchildren.blogspot.com/ This blog has been great to remind me that no matter how long the wait there is a baby at the end of the journey.
August 18, 2009
It's been interesting sharing with people because immediately everyone wants to know all about the birthparents. This is information that we are not sharing because it is bambino's story and not ours to share. I can't tell you the number of times in the last two days that I've said, "I'm sorry, that's not information that we're sharing". I don't resent anyone for asking. I think it's the first place that your brain goes when someone tells you they've been matched. Once I explain to them why we don't share the information they tend to understand immediatley.
It's mostly been hard not to share with my family and sister. I tell my sister everything and it's the first time that I've not shared something with her. Of course, she is great and completely understands.
It's interesting to already feel a protectiveness over bambino before she is even here.
August 15, 2009
Needless to say, I was a complete wreck. We had our meeting yesterday morning and I actually slept well the night before and seemed fine. The moment I got into the car it became very real and I was so stressed. We had to take the dog to the groomer first, which was a bit funny because he hates the groomer, so he was really stressed out too and was anxiously pacing around the back seat and panting loudly. Everyone in the car was a complete wreck, dog included. I really thought I'd become ill at any moment.
We finally arrived at Adoption Options and met with our caseworker. We strategized about how the room should be set-up and what would be most comfortable. We decided on cramming around a small circular table as that would be most intimate. We then just waited for K and J to arrive.
K and J walked into the room and it's a strange feeling to be seeing them for the first time. I never had an image in my mind of what our birthparents would look like and I had no expectations but it's so remarkable to see someone for the first time. I'm sure they had the same experience laying eyes on us for the first time as well (although, of course, they saw us in the video).
I can't even articulate what utter nervous disasters all of us were. It actually made me feel better that we were all equally as nervous. I felt like we were a group of pre-teens meeting for the first time and the caseworkers were helping to move along a normal adult conversation. I'm generally a fairly articulate person and I felt like I was bumbling through everything that I was trying to say. It's such an awkward and difficult meeting even though we clearly all liked each other off the bat. Luckily, our caseworker had warned us that this meeting is just awkward for everyone. That was reassuring.
I really liked both K. and J. They are very amazing, thoughtful and self-less individuals. I felt at ease with K. as she actually reminds me quite a bit of my cousin and that familiarity helped. She was so very thoughtful and has given a great deal of thought to her plan of adoption to the point of finding a space for us during her hospital tour. She has welcomed us into the hospital and myself into the delivery room because she thought that I might like to have that experience since I wasn't able to have that on my own. I felt that that was incredibly thoughtful and selfless. I'm trying to give her as much space as I can because I can't even imagine what giving birth would be like and I told her that she can just see how she feels minute by minute and we will respect whatever she wants and not take anything personally.
K has given so much thought to her plan of adoption that she's creating a baby book for the baby with photos all about her and her family and information explaining her decision. I can't tell you what this means to me. I'm so incredibly grateful to her for her love and devotion to the bambino. It is so utterly clear in every decision that she makes and everything that she does.
I think K and J are trying to be very sensitive to boundaries but I really want to make sure they are comfortable with us so I offered another meeting if they'd like. They decided to take us up on another meeting and we'll be meeting with them again in early September at a more casual location. I'm so grateful for another opportunity to meet with them where we will have our initial jitters out of the way and it will be more relaxed.
We ended the meeting by taking a group photo. I still can't believe that this is really happening. I think I've looked at this photo many times over the past 12 hours to make it sink in that this is real. I have to keep looking at our camera to remind myself that this is happening. I was yet again looking at the photo this morning and Joel commented that K and I actually have very similar faces and smiles and that we actually look alike.
I feel so blessed to have K and J as our birthparents and to have this incredibly wonderful situation. This is far better than I could have imagined.
August 8, 2009
August 7, 2009
She let us know that we had been selected by a family and they are having a baby girl on September 28. I was at work when I got the call and tried to conference in Joel. I did a miserable job of trying to connect our phones and then our caseworker gave it a shot with success. I was so glad that Joel and I were able to hear the information simultaneously - unlike last time.
The situation seems positive and we are going to learn more and meet mom and dad. I keep vacilating between excitement and feeling numb. I think I'm a little bit overwhelmed and I'm worried to get too excited. I think it's so much to take in.
I'm a bit of a superstitious person so here are some of the things that I find to be interesting:
- I've negletcted wearing my adoption juju bracelet this week and finally remembered to wear it today. I even made that comment to my co-worker who gave it to me that I finally have it on. In addition, I planned on working a half day and got the call from our caseworker an hour before it was time for me to leave.
- Joel's sister is in town from Michigan and she and Joel's mom were planning to meet him for lunch. They heard the exciting news and Carol, his sister, shared that she had just made a comment that it would be great if we got "the call" while she was out. Joel's mom responded with, "wouldn't that be something". Carol then said a little prayer that if God wanted things to work that way she wouldn't be disappointed.
- My mom was also teaching school and had the word "newborn". She used it in a sentence: "I'm going to be the grandma to a newborn".
- Finally, my sister is going to be out here when baby is due.
I guess we're all trying to will this little bambino into our lives the best that we can through prayer, juju and whatever other means we can think of at our disposal. It's such a nerve wracking place to find myself again. I'm excited but sort of can't believe that it's real. I felt some serious emotions welling up when I called my sister but had to suppress them because I didn't want to start bawling at work. Now I think I'm just in shock. I'm sure it will all sink in over the weekend. It's hard to believe that I might not be waiting for bambino for much longer.
August 6, 2009
August 1, 2009
My colleague really wants us to be at camp with her so I think she's willing us to be placed with an African American baby so that we can join her. I'm up for any baby that wants to make his/her way our direction!