Milestones

Yesterday was a pretty significant day for Nora. I've noticed in parenthood how things will be status quo for a little bit and then all of a sudden your child will surprise you by doing things that you had no idea that they knew how to do. I've had this experience a lot recently with Nora as all of a sudden, she's helping to dress herself or will only eat if she's trying to feed herself.

I was very grateful to have a great morning with her yesterday before all of the festivities began. We were playing on the floor with her little farm when I noticed that she paused playing and was making some tell-tale grunting noises (she's going to hate me if this is around in about 12 years). I've been trying to teach her sign language but it's been hard to tell if it's working. She then looked at me and gave me the sign for "diaper change". (Yes, the potty story was going somewhere).

She then started mimicking eating and then tried to feed me. We haven't taught her that sign but luckily I'm a pretty good guesser. Of course, after the diaper change, we had a little snack. It's so interesting how she just woke up yesterday with so many new communication skills.

We had a great Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house and, of course, Nora loved being the center of attention. While we were there she began to walk more than she's ever walked before. Usually, she needs prompting and will take about 6 steps before falling and crawling. Yesterday afternoon she walked across a room many times between Joel and I. She's not been a baby who is chomping at the bit to walk so I don't think she's going to all of a sudden be sprinting around the house but it was fun to see her take some steps and actually balance and catch herself several times.

I'm grateful to have a nice long weekend to spend with her.

"Die" My Baby Tells Me

So, Nora is officially a chatter box and is trying to put together lots of combinations of words. Her favorite remains "hi". She likes trying out different sounds and syllables. Her new favorite word today is "die". She's trying out the "d" sound with "hi". The result is all day my super cute, sweet baby has been very distinctly saying "die, die, die."

She has a really cute high pitched voice and "die" is all that is being produced by it. I couldn't help cracking up this morning when she was happily playing with her toys saying "die, die, die, die" and then slowly fading into a really creepy whispery "die, die". I'm sure it will evolve into something else tomorrow but it's been pretty surreal running errands with her all day while she's been wishing me dead. Good thing I have a twisted sense of humor.

Colorado Card Revoked

We've had a lot going on with Nora over the last month. First and foremost, we're all finally healthy and had our first weekend with no illness in months. We had a great day on Sunday when we celebrated a friend's birthday with a hike up to Devil's Head along the Rampart Range of Colorado. (Here's a link to the trail for my Colorado folks.) This was our first hike with Nora and she's almost 9 months old! I think I'm going to have my Colorado-native citizenship revoked for waiting an entire 9 months to take Nora hiking. This my friends, is blasphemy in my fair state.

Nora had a great time on the hike. Joel had her in a hiking backpack that had her slightly elevated so that she could see out. She stayed awake for the entire hike and always made sure to look back to see if mommy was still bringing up the rear. It was so fun to be able to have her experience the outdoors and get outside and enjoy some sunshine and fresh air. Hopefully, this is just the first of many hikes this summer. We're hoping to get up to the mountains a lot more- especially to do some mushroom hunting. It feels so good to be out and about and healthy again!

P.S. My friend has all the photos on her camera so I will post when I get them.
P.P.S I had really hoped to post this as a Perfect Moment Monday but alas it's Tuesday- maybe next week!

Clean

I got so much done yesterday on my day off that I feel like a whole new person. I made a book for Nora all about her adoption on Shutter.fly, picked up the dry cleaning, bought the dog his special food at the dog food store that's almost never open, picked up some prescriptions, ran to the grocery store, deep cleaned the entire house and hosted a wine and cheese happy hour for my parents (who just got back from a trip and were dying to see Nora) and finished it off with homemade soup. Whew! Done! (I promise I'm not on meth - waking up at 5 am with Nora helps to give you a head start on the day).

Today, Joel fed Nora at 5 am and she went back down until 7 AM! Hooray! I woke up to a happy baby and an amazing latte that Joel made for me. Even though it's a little bit cloudy today I can already tell Nora and I are going to have an amazing day off together. It's remarkable what a couple of days off can do for you.

P.S. The image is a piece from my thesis show. I found it to be ironic and funny when I glanced up at it while mopping. What little I knew in college.

Places to Go Things to Do

I have an active baby. I suspected that this might be the case but since I have never had a baby before I had no basis for comparison. However, I started to hear a common theme when picking up or dropping off Nora at daycare. "That little girl is active", "I wish I had half her energy"; "You better put her in track when she gets older". Nora hit the energy jackpot.

Nora's disposition is phenomenal. She's always happy and inquisitive and active. However, this little girl does not nap. If we're all lucky, she takes two 20 minute naps a day. At home, at daycare, doesn't matter. This little girl has places to go and things to do. There's always a limb in motion at all times. We laugh that she's the only baby we know with a six pack because she does incessant leg lifts.

I LOVE her activity level; however, the lack of naps has been wearing on us. I can tell Nora's tired but she just won't go down for longer than 20 minutes. I was completely shocked and amazed when I picked her up from daycare and they told me that she took a 1.5 hour nap and a 45 minute nap. Yesterday my mom was watching her and she slept 2 hours! She still has her abundant energy but she might become a more well-rested baby. I'm wondering and hoping that maybe we've turned a corner and she might get some of that precious sleep that she needs.

Lack of sleep aside, I feel so fortunate that Nora is my daughter. She has the sunniest most fun disposition and her energy level is actually a perfect match for women on my side of the family. Poor Joel has always been overwhelmed by all the estrogen-energy in my family and it looks like that legacy is going to continue with Nora.

Back with Baby

I'm back from a four day trip for work. It's nice to be home even though it's cold and gray here and I was in lovely Santa Barbara. I wish I could figure out a way to instantly become rich to move there. It was over-the-top beautiful.

It was also incredibly amazing to sleep through the night. As much as I didn't want to leave Nora, I had been fantasizing about sleeping through the night on this trip for MONTHS. It was as blissful as I thought and I actually feel like a new person.

I'm back at home and Nora seems a little chubbier and more alert. This just confirms that she changes each and every day. She's definitely cutting teeth and so she isn't as much her usual happy self, but, who can blame her?

Rolling Over

Nora rolled over yesterday - a lot! Once she discovered this new trick she decided to do it over and over. It was really sweet. It's especially funny because she hates tummy time and makes angry cat noises during tummy time but when she rolls herself on to her stomach she doesn't seem to mind at all.

I discovered the great downfall of rolling over this morning when both my husband and I woke up at 4 am and realized that we hadn't heard a peep from Nora and freaked out. She was fine of course. She finally woke up at 5:30 am - hooray- but when I went in there she was on her stomach. I really didn't love seeing that as I'm petrified of SIDS.

She took a little nap this afternoon and I heard her begin to kick around. I left her alone until I heard a cry from her. She was on her stomach with her leg stuck all the way out of the crib between the slats. This seems dangerous and problematic. I was super excited about her rolling over but I don't know if I'm ready for a mobile baby just yet.

Routine Needed

I've realized that I'm a creature of habit, as most of us probably are, and I've realized that I'm craving some sort of routine. I'm anxious about what our life will be like when Joel goes back to work and what sort of routine we might fall into. I really can't fathom getting three people out of the house in the morning. As anxious as I am about both of us being back to work, I'm also anxious to get settled into a routine.

I'm also feeling pressured to get our lives in order before Joel goes back to work. I'm absolutely exhausted so I took yesterday off of work to get caught up on life and sleep. I spent most of the day with Nora and took a long nap on the couch with her yesterday. I cleaned our bedroom and got some laundry in order. I have a lot more to do today but I feel like I need to capitalize on the few weekends left before our lives get that much crazier with both of us working.

I've been going into work early lately so it will be interesting to see what schedule and rhythm I land on with getting all of us ready, taking Nora to daycare (in the opposite direction of my job) and then going to work. I know everyone else in the world does it so we will be fine. I consider myself a pretty organized person but I think I'm going to have to be even more so as we figure out our new lives.

Nora is 5 months old and I have to remind myself of that a lot. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed or forget how different our lives are but I have to remember that our lives have been changed for only five months. That's a lot of transition in a short amount of time. Of course, I think that our lives have changed for the better but I keep catching myself when making plans to remember that things aren't the way they used to be- and I'm glad for it.

Laughing and Sleeping

I realized I haven't posted in forever and it's mostly because I'm barely staying afloat at work and personally but I'm happy that I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be a better manager, colleague, friend, mom, wife, blogger, person and sister in a week and a half when my huge event is over.

Anyway, enough about me and on to the Nora fun. Nora has begun to giggle. She giggled a little bit a couple of months ago but it was almost impossible to get her to do it. Now, if I sing silly songs and tickle her and mimick her exasperated sigh I get the cutest giggles. So much fun! It's so neat to hear her little laughs.

She is sleeping a bit better too. She's been on the schedule of waking up at 2 am for a feeding since December and the last few nights she's been sleeping until between 4 - 5 am. This is actually worse than the 2 am feeding as it's so close to when I wake up but it also makes me feel like eventually she might make the leap to 6 am or 7 am! I also have to disclose that I'm not the one getting up with her since Joel is still off work but, of course, every whimper she makes wakes me up.

That's it for now. Pray that I can make it until 6 pm on Friday, February 19 and I'll be a much different and more sane person.

Two Months

Today Nora is a big two month old. Time has gone quickly but also very slowly. It seems like eons ago that we brought her home from the hospital since our lives have changed so much. But, it also feels like she's changing so much each day and time is just slipping away. (Especially as the end of my maternity leave is now on the horizon).

She truly does change so much every day. A few days ago she started grabbing her toes. Today I was grabbing my coffee in the kitchen and heard funny clicking noises and realized that Nora had learned to make clicking noises with her mouth and was entertaining herself. I was a little surprised because we've never made clicking noises with her. (Then again I haven't rolled around on the floor grabbing my toes either). She has so much personality and so much energy. She's a little girl with places to go and things to do. She doesn't like to be held unless she is in the right mood. If she's in an active mood she'll scream if you try to hold her. She doesn't want to be restrained. Of course, when she's eating or sleepy she's fine with cuddling up.

She had her two month check up today and everything checked out. She's quite the charmer with the men and tends to smile more at men and is a real chatty pants. She "talked" through our entire hour long appointment. She's also really a wiggle worm - especially at 3 am when she squirms while I'm changing her and gives me the most endearing smiles. So, in honor of her active little baby self, I'm posting another video (that is sideways and I can't fix) and a photo of her charming her daddy.

Happy Thanksgiving

I have much to be thankful for this year but not many brain cells to articulate it. The gift for which I am most thankful had me awake much of the night so I'm going to let a picture be worth about two paragraphs. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Firsts

Nora turned six weeks old yesterday and this past week she has begun to smile more and more. Over the last two days we have begun to get very real smiles when she sees us and it is the most incredible experience in the world. Tuesday as I was holding her and talking to her, per usual, she just began to smile and smile and look right up at me. I began sobbing because I have waited so long for this very experience. Yes, I have waited forever (it seems like) for a baby. But, I've actually waited more precisely for the moment when I can gaze into my child's eyes and she recognizes me and smiles back. This moment melted me and made me feel like a real mom. I couldn't wait for Joel to get home. I asked him to go see her and she smiled on cue when he walked over. He picked her up and started talking to her and she was just beaming at her daddy. Again, I cried on cue. There is really nothing that compares to your baby smiling at you for the first time. For some reason, she seems so real to me now.

I am getting ready to go out with a friend. (I know it seems like I go out all the time but I really don't, it's just momentous so I write about it). I had Nora in the sling as I was getting ready and putting on makeup. (If you follow my blog, you know this is the time when I think about adoption and babies and usually have a revelation or break down). It was really profound to be singing songs to her and putting on makeup and then looking in the mirror and realizing I had Nora in a sling and I wasn't thinking about adoption or what life was going to be like with a baby. This is what life is like with a baby- singing "Going to California" (because I know no child appropriate songs) and looking at us both in the mirror.

Date Night

Joel and I have always promised each other that when we were fortunate enough to have a baby, we would make a concerted effort to have time with just us. I'm a firm believer in a happy mommy makes for a better mommy. I think it's really important to take time for yourself to recharge your batteries so you have something left to give to baby.

So, off we went on our first date post-Nora. My parents watched Nora and they urged us to stay out until 11 pm or midnight. Ha ha- I go to bed at 8 these days so I can do second shift. We left them with a mildly disgruntled baby. (I thought I'd take a photo of the occasion but Nora was a little unhappy).

We went to a restaurant we'd been dying to try. We had many small plates, a cocktail and glass of wine and it felt decadent. Inevitably, the beginning of the conversation was a discussion about how much Nora threw up today and whether it was spit up or actual vomit. I know- great dinner conversation! However, we then moved into other, more appropriate, subjects and enjoyed our time out. I looked at my watch assuming that it was pretty late and had to laugh when it said 6:45. Much to my parent's dismay, we were home a bit after 8 pm.

It was great to have a little time outside of the house (especially since Nora can't go anywhere). I'm proud of us for making some couple time and Nora was exactly one month old.

A New Identity: Mom

I've always been a very independent person and have always held closely to my own identity. It's so interesting now being a mom and adding that to the list of what makes me who I am. I didn't have the perspective that I am now a mom until I left the house yesterday for the first time by myself in 3 weeks. Yes, I have been caring for my daughter for 3 weeks now but sometimes my synapses aren't all firing when I'm doing laundry or changing diapers. It took the perspective of being out of the house for it to hit me that I am someone's mom.

Strangely, I was waiting in line for a flu shot at our local grocery store when I realized- I'm a mom. I'm going to buy things for my daughter today. It took leaving the house and feeling like my "old self" again running errands to reinforce that I am actually a mom. I am going to be coming home to my daughter and this is my new life.

It's also interesting that I've always been an extremely career-driven person and have always worked really hard professionally and I haven't really given a thought about work since I've been gone. (Sorry colleagues, but, I know you are all kicking butt without me). It's so nice to be able to focus on other aspects of myself for a change. Especially since I have defined myself so much by my work in my life. It's nice to be able to rediscover that I'm not a one dimensional person. Just an interesting revelation I thought I'd share. Strange when things hit you while waiting in line for a shot. It's nice to have a few quiet minutes to think I suppose.

Nora is doing great. Now is her active time and she's on her play mat making cute little noises and discovering her own reflection in the mirror. (I've uploaded a video. It's not the most exciting thing you'll ever watch but I'm a proud mom:).

It's so fun to have her awake during more of the day and watching her discover things. I know it's only going to get more fun!

Losing the Baby Weight

Joel and I went on a long walk with Nora yesterday as the weather has vastly improved. I was getting extremely stir crazy as we aren't accepting visitors until Friday (we had two weeks of just us to promote attachment) and we can't take Nora into public, especially now that everyone seems to have the flu. So, the walk was great to get out of the house and get some fresh air.

We took a walk through the park and I was commenting on how great the sling was because no one could really touch or see Nora. The sling sits up high enough on me that it would be extremely inappropriate for anyone to try to reach in so we feel like Nora is well protected from germy hands.

We were crossing the street when I commented to Joel that it's sad we can't go in public because I was really looking forward to everyone telling me how great I looked for having such a little baby:). I know, I'm shameless, but I take the compliments where I can get them - deserved or not. We literally set foot on the other side of the street and a woman came up to me and said, "Look at you! Out and about already. Good for you!". She then tried her hardest to see/touch Nora but ended up just patting the underside of the sling. I had such a laugh that I got my "look at you" adoption comment and no one touched my baby. Very productive day!

Home Visit and Legal Paperwork

Our home visit was great. Nora was a little but fussy so I had her in the sling. We got to visit with our caseworker and she just checked in to see how we're doing. We've been on "lock down" (aka no guests to facilitate bonding) so, it was nice to have adult interaction. We really like her and get along with her well and so it was nice to visit without the stress of waiting. We got to talk a lot about the hospital experience and how things went and felt for us. I haven't written too much about the hospital experience because it was so stressful. It wasn't stressful as in she was thinking of changing her mind or that people were negative but stressful in that you can't maintain that level of emotion for two days straight and not want to have a melt down at the end. I feel extraordinarily blessed by our hospital experience but it was a lot to go through and ours was pretty ideal. We were told our experience and ceremony were in her top 5 of placements she's ever done. So, needless to say, things went really well.

K and J both wrote us letters in the hospital for us and Nora but we haven't read them yet. It was so hard leaving the hospital and every time I looked at Nora I saw K or J's face looking back at me and I kept feeling like I was taking their baby. That night was the same . It is now no longer the case unless she's sleeping and making a pouty face and then she looks like J. I feel like I don't have it in me yet to read the letters. I still feel a little emotionally drained and physically exhausted to go down that road just now. I'm planning on waiting for when we all feel a little more settled and all of our emotions aren't so raw yet.

K and J met with their caseworker yesterday and signed the paperwork. I've been told that, of course, they have good days and bad days but are comfortable with their decisions. Joel and I have also signed our petition to adopt paperwork and submitted that to our caseworker. That means that in Colorado, a judge will need to sign K and J's relinquishment paperwork for it to be final. That usually takes a week or two but we're not worried. I actually haven't been worried since we left the hospital. This just finalizes everything. In about two weeks we won't have any legal risk so Nora is here to stay. We should also find out about a court date soon. Nora's almost officially our daughter.

I also found out that K has written us another letter that our caseworker is sending to us. I haven't written anything to K and J yet. I have so much in my head and in my heart that I want to say to them but I can't find the strength or energy to write it all down. I know that I need to do it soon but I can't bring myself to put pen to paper at the moment.

P.S. My caseworker also pointed out that K's name is actually C. I had discovered this awhile ago and didn't make the switch - I'm not sure why. I think I felt like it might make her name more obvious. However, in the event that I ever share this with Nora it would be nice to have her birthmom's name correct so it will be C from here on out.

Adjusting to Life with Baby

Life with baby has been an adjustment. She's precious and beautiful but I'd be lying if I'd say it's all a bed of roses. At 2 am when I'm on what I've dubbed the "salt mine" shift I'm tired and can't imagine how I'm going to do this. When I sleep for 4 hours (hooray!) and wake up to relieve Joel I think she's the most amazing thing in the world and can't wait to get down the stairs to see her. So, that's motherhood so far.

I feel like we've really made progress on our learning curve. Diapering, feeding, changing clothes and all other "tasks" are going great. Sleeping, however, is not. She does not like to be put down and will cry once she leaves our arms. So, we've devised the shift plan. One parent on from 10 am - 3 am and then the other on from 3 am - 7 am. She sleeps a bit from 7 am - 10 am and then the day begins. She was a bit more awake during her doctor's appointment today so I'm hoping that is a sign that she's going to join our time zone.

She's a pretty easy baby and is super easy to comfort. I feel like I've picked up on her cues pretty quickly and she hasn't really cried for no reason yet. She's pretty easy to console and has been fun. She's not awake very much but when she is I love to watch her facial expressions.

The sling is a life saver. Joel is wearing it right now and it's great. Having two hands to do things makes such a difference. I also have been saved by The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. It's indispensable.

The house is a mess, our living room has become mission control and the dog is a little extra needy but all and all I'd say life is good and we're happy to have Nora home.

Welcoming Nora to our Family

Yesterday was incredibly hard but also incredibly beautiful. K and J were so strong and amazing and I'm so grateful that they are likely to be in our lives. They were so gracious with allowing our family to visit and really enjoyed meeting our families. I think it made them feel even more comfortable with their decision as they saw how happy the grandparents were to meet their new grandchild.

We held a ceremony at approximately 1 pm to recognize Nora's transition to our family. It was incredibly beautiful. A candle with three wicks was lit (illicitly in the hospital) to symbolize Nora and each of our families coming together. Two poems were read and then each of us went around the room expressing our wishes for Nora. Both sets of grandparents were present as well as K and J and K's mother. The only one in the room not sobbing was Nora. She just slept so peacefully. K and J then passed Nora to us. Somehow we all found strength and the ceremony was so beautiful and bittersweet.

We were hoping, because we like K and J, that they might continue to be a part of our lives. K's mom asked if they could attend the baptism and we were happy she asked. I had thought about including them since we are all Catholic and this thread has been very important to them. So, I'm happy they will have a chance to see Nora again for her baptism in December.

By the time the ceremony ended, I was completely exhausted - emotionally, physically and mentally. We wanted to give K and J their time so we didn't really have much time with Nora at the hospital. The time we did have with her we always had a lot of people in the room observing so I was so ready to get home and figure out through trial and error how to be a mom without an audience.

Our first night with Nora was a little trying. She and I were both crying at 1 in the morning. She's an amazing baby and so pleasant and after 4 hours of sleep late this morning - I'm loving every minute of it. We've even mastered the sling and took a little walk through the neighborhood. I'm so happy to have Nora home for good!

Coming Home

Today is the day that I have been looking forward to for years and the day that has also kept me up at night. I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to do this but today will answer that question.

We were lucky to have a room at the hospital down the hall from K and J. Nora spent the night with them last night and Joel and I crammed into a twin hospital bed. I woke up this morning with a sense of overwhelming joy mixed with overwhelming sorrow. My heart is breaking for K and J this morning and I know that there is nothing that I or anyone else can do to help them through this. I want them to have as much time with Nora as they want or need today. I quickly gave her a bottle and then it's their time until we are all discharged later today and have our placement ceremony.

This is such a hard, bitter-sweet experience. There is so much joy and beauty mixed with so much sorrow. I don't know where I am going to find the strength to have K hand me Nora today.