So, for all my stoicism and "I'm just fine " yesterday, today was much harder. I woke up and it sort of sank in that I wouldn't be picking up bambino this morning. Of course, I knew that, but sleeping on it somehow made it worse and more real.I think more than anything I was just thinking about how we might not have a girl. I don't really care what gender our baby is but knowing a gender is the closest we've ever come to parenting. I could actually think about having a baby girl. An African-American baby girl at that. That's the only opportunity I've had to this point to actually have a realistic mental image of our child. It's always an ambiguous baby with morphing gender and ethnicity. I think it was a little bit harder because I had a mental image of our baby.
I took today to work from home so that if I randomly burst into tears I didn't have to feel awkward and run for the bathroom. If anything, I'm definitely NOT a public cryer. It was nice to be at home, get work done, and have time to process. I'm feeling so much better this evening after having some time and space. I'm so grateful that if this had to happen it was over the course of four days rather than two months. I'm also wishing all the best to birth mom in her new journey.
My husband, friends, family, caseworker and colleagues have been so phenomenal through this process. It has really made me realize how loved and supported we are. That's an amazing gift to have.
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My sister wrote me an email offering her support - I've been meaning to post my perspective so I thought I would just share my response.
ReplyDelete"Thanks for the kind words. It has really helped that everyone has been so supportive.
Yeah, we were close call but the birth mother decided to parent. Jen and I were pretty sad for a couple of days but I think we’ve pretty much recovered and are feeling optimistic again.
Frankly, for me it’s almost good that I was able to experience this false start. The last minute rejection has always been a fear of mine. I couldn't imagine how terrible it would make me feel to be almost matched and have it fall through at the last moment.
I've now come to see that having that fear affected how I approached the initial process of adopting. I went into this last match with lots of reservations, knowing it could fail and result in some pretty intense feelings of loss. I wanted to feel the excitement and intensity of the moment but wouldn't allow for fear of the consequences if it didn't happen.
But you know what? After experiencing it, it’s not so bad. Yeah, it sucks at first; you feel like somebody punched your gut pretty hard, but you move on. After a couple of days with some time to reflect and the support of friends and family, the situation doesn’t appear as bleak as it once did. I've come to realize that just because this one opportunity didn't come to fruition, it doesn’t mean we’ve reached a final end. It just means that our baby, the one meant for us, is still out there.
And now, moving forward, I don't carry that fear of rejection as much. The next time we have a potential match, I think I'll be able to enjoy it much more. I’ll allow myself to feel the wonder and excitement that this unique experience offers. Even if it doesn't happen and the match falls through at the last minute, I now realize that there are events in life that can be devastating, but a failed match is far from one of them.