January 19, 2009

She's in Labor

I received the message this afternoon that birth mom is in labor. I was expecting a call to tell us what time our meeting was the following day since I had been so scattered on the phone on Friday. My mind raced when I found out the news. How could she be in labor?!?! She's not due until February 25. I immediately called Joel to tell him the news. He was certainly in shock as well. I called our caseworker back and she informed us that birth mom had gone into labor and had been in contact with the agency. This certainly changes everything.

I quickly condensed five weeks of maternity leave planning at work into an hour long meeting that was also filled with advice on what baby products I absolutely needed and which were non-essential. It took me about three hours to get out of work with the prospect that I wouldn't be returning for three months.
On the drive home when I had time to be quiet, everything began to hit me. I called my sister and my parents and gave them both the news. It's definitely not as expected, but what has been up until this point?

When I arrived home I had so many emotions. I'm worried about birth mom realizing that at this very moment she is in horrible physical and emotional pain. I'm worried that the baby is being born five weeks early. I'm excited because I might have a baby in two days. I'm freaking out because I might have a baby in two days and don't have diapers, or a name for that matter.

I decided to do something to honor my feelings of helplessness and my anxiety surrounding birth mom and bambino's present states. Joel and I lit a "Laughter" candle and prayed for birth mom, the bambino and ourselves that everything would work out the way that it was meant to be. The outside of the candle has a prayer which seemed very appropriate: Let me see the bright side of life. Let the joy of laughter enter my life every day, bringing happiness and healing to my heart. I concentrated a lot on bringing happiness and healing to everyone's hearts in this situation.

It's now 12:45 am and I've slept for about an hour. I can't sleep. I'm so wound up with the multitude of possibilities in my head. I'm a mom beginning tomorrow; it was a false start- I'm not a mom yet. Is everyone okay? What are we naming her if she is truly our bambino? What should I wear tomorrow to meet birth mom? What do I say to her? She's going to be a complete wreck after having given birth. Has she held the baby yet? Did that change her mind? If she hasn't held the baby is the baby lonely in the nursery all by herself? Will she change her mind seems to be the most common theme. Tomorrow at 9:30 am can't come soon enough.

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