October 16, 2009

Providing Relief

I received our letter from C and J a few days ago. Obviously, I won't go into any detail about the letter but it did make me feel compelled to post something related. I think during the adoption process, as adoptive parents, we can become wrapped up in our own anxiety and the sorrow and pain that the birthparents must be feeling that I really didn't take much time to think about the role that we were playing in the lives of the birthparents.

The letter we received reinforced to me that as grateful and happy as adoptive parents are to receive the precious gift of a baby, the birthparents are also able to find some peace and relief by finding a couple to give their child the life that they so desire for them. For some reason, this part of the equation was being lost on me. Receiving this letter helped with some of the initial guilt/sorrow that I was experiencing. Since so many people in blogland are now matched or waiting to be matched I thought that I'd share this thought as it might be helpful or add some consolation or perspective.

I feel so blessed to have been matched with C and J. We received back our "Dear Birthparents" letters from the agency after the match and it was interesting to read over them. Joel and I independently noted that we felt that we would be chosen for a reason and that the birthparents that picked us we'd have an affinity toward and that was the case. I know this might not be the case for Nora's sibling or in other adoptions and I feel so grateful that this was the case for this match.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. this is something for me to keep in mind as we wait to be matched.


  2. Thank you for the different perspective. I realy had not thought of it that way.

  3. Thank you for this post, Jen. Having just been matched, and dealing with excitement and uncertainty and anxiety, we also spent some time last night feeling very sad for the birth family, and actually regretting that they're in this decision-making place. Your perspective on this is one that will be good for us to bear in mind.

  4. Thanks for your honesty. Keith was so moved when S said to us in a letter that we are a blesing to her. I wonder how fearful she is that we'll change our minds?

    Hey - I gave you an award :)
    You can check my blog to see it!

  5. Thanks for sharing your perspective! I haven't had much contact with the emom in our situation and I can only hope that choosing us for whatever reason is giving her some comfort that she is making the right decision for her and her baby. I hope....

  6. Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad the letter made you feel better.

    I too tend to get caught up in the sadness sometimes, and only think about the loss our birth mom suffered, rather than the fact that we gave her solace in her decision.


  7. I was sad for about 3-4 weeks after our first child came home.

    With our second, we were in the hospital with BM before the birth. I was much less sad after baby came home. Again, photos mailed were returned. I asked the social worker what this meant; she said the birthparents were comfortable with their decision and moved on with their lives.

    Outsiders sometimes don't understand that birthparents place children because they are really in a jam. It helped me to deal with my feelings that both sets of birthparents told us why they couldn't parent these children.