Nora's First Birthday

Nora's first birthday was on Thursday. The day itself was not remarkable, as sadly, I had to work. Luckily, Nora is too young to know any different and we made up for it with two parties this weekend which were both so much fun. It made me feel so grateful for the amazing people that we have in our lives.

I had some emotions on Nora's actual birthday that caught me by surprise. I found myself thinking about C and J a lot and the emotions that I was feeling on that day a year ago. We had so much anxiety and uncertainty in the hospital and I certainly did not feel like Nora's mom, really, at that point. I had the same bitter-sweet feeling that I had the day she was officially placed in our arms by C and J. Very happy for us and feeling sadness over the loss that C and J and, likely Nora, were feeling.

I'm not sure if biological moms feel an ownership over their child's birthday or if the first year is intense for them as well. Nora's birthday brought up a lot of unexpected emotion for me. I'm sure with future birthdays the feelings will be much different.. I'm sure as Nora becomes more aware of her birthday it will begin to take on new meaning. Of course, there are lots of birthday festivities that I'm excited to blog about but, this being an adoption blog, I thought I'd blog about some of the feelings I had on her birthday.

Luckily, I have C and J's email and was able to send them a not on Nora's birthday. I'm grateful for a good email exchange with C and J and I'm happy that we have a date set to see them again soon. And, of course, more than anything, I'm grateful for this first year of Nora's life.

Meetings and Sickness

It's been a crazy week and a half in our house and I've had so many things to blog about but so little time.

The first is that I had the opportunity to meet a bloggy friend for a beer a little over a week ago and it was great to chat and discuss adoption and our lives. It's so amazing how you can meet so many interesting and great people through blogging.

We met with C and J a little less than a week ago. It was a good meeting but in the evening so Nora was a little tired and fussy. They are doing great and it was such a relief to see. We exchanged email addresses so communication in the future will be far easier. Now, if they want to see Nora or if we want to ask them a question we won't be playing telephone through our agency. I feel blessed to have such a good relationship with them and to really like them.

The morning after meeting C and J I took Nora to daycare as usual and headed off to work. It takes me an hour from when I leave my house to get Nora to daycare and get to work. I had just reached the parking lot when I got a call from daycare that Nora had a low fever. I assumed she was just teething since she hasn't cut any teeth yet. I walked into work and a few minutes later got a call that she was lethargic, pale and her fever was 101.6. I turned around and went to go get her. Nora was then sick with a fever for four days straight. She's never had a fever before and it was really disconcerting to see her so lethargic and hot. Her top temperature was 104. Nora isn't a snugly baby so I could really tell that she was sick when I held her for days on end and that's all she wanted. Usually, if I hold her for more than a few minutes, she squeals and arches her back to be put down. She's doing much better now but it's been an exhausting week/end. I think this is the curse of daycare. She's moving to another room and has been transitioning so I think she's transitioned into all the new germs too. The upside, I guess, is that we both survived and when she's school aged all these bugs will be nothing to her.

A Day Late

I had no idea that yesterday was Bithmother's Day. I'm so glad I follow so many blogs of so many with-it people so that I was able to find out this important piece of information. So, in typical Jen fashion, I'm going to be a little backwards. (After all, I was the only kid in my kindergarten class who insisted on painting the candy cane in my art project blue). So, Mother's Day post yesterday and Birthmother's Day post today.

As I alluded to yesterday in my Mother's Day post, church has always been a sore spot for me on Mother's Day. I think the uninterrupted hour to think sometimes puts me in a special place. Yesterday, I found myself feeling very emotional thinking of C. on this day. She's a strong woman and I know she'll put on a strong face for today as she likely celebrates with her family but I'm sue this day is very hard for her. It's hard to know that she's likely having the very opposite experience of myself this day. She's having the experience I've had for many years with a different level of grief added to it thinking about an actual baby, Nora, on this day.

We correspond with C and J every few months through the agency and offered a time to get together. I hadn't heard from C and J and was sad and disappointed thinking that they didn't want to see us. I also know that the process is hard and will ebb and flow and I wanted to respect wherever they were at in their lives.

Our caseworker contacted us last week and said that they wanted to get together this Wednesday. So, I'm very pleased that they will get to see Nora in a few short days. Perhaps, this makes today a little easier for C or maybe not. At least I'll be able to wish her a Happy Birthmother's Day in person and she'll get some important time with Nora.

We're Officially a Family!

On Tuesday, our adoption was finalized. This date hasn't been emotionally significant to me but it's been a nice marker for the end of the formalized process. I felt like Nora was our daughter when, like a deer in the headlights, we left the hospital and I scolded myself for swearing on the way home and anxiously made sure that no one on the road was going to put her precious life in danger.

The first weeks were surreal as we went from a couple with no children to a family but Nora felt like "ours" all the while. This was a luxury we were afforded by how amazing C and J have been through this process and their maturity and selflessness. This entire process could have felt much different and I'm blessed that we have had the experience that we have had.

Nora woke up at 4:30 am on the day of her finalization. (Daycare has thrown her sleep for a loop and she still hasn't slept through the night). I brought her downstairs on the couch to lay with her and held her back to sleep for an hour or so. It was such precious time for me to think of how blessed I am to have this beautiful and remarkable daughter. It's sometimes hard for me to realize that I get to be her mother. I notice that I refer to myself as mommy maybe a little bit more than other moms. I think it's because sometimes it's hard for me to believe that this is my life and I have the privilege of being a mother to Nora.

My sister and brother-in-law flew out to take part in her finalization. So, the house was soon crazy with four adults trying to get ready and get out the door by 6:45 am. Joel's parents were going to follow us to the court house so they were at our house as well in the midst of utter chaos. My house was a disaster and we were were all in an insane whirlwind trying to leave. I got Nora dressed and realized I lost her shoe that matched with her dress. We searched frantically for it and ended up on Plan B. Finally, we were all in the car and on our way to the courthouse.

We got to the courthouse in plenty of time and waited in line to get through security. I justified why all of us had a million cameras when they aren't normally allowed and we all proceeded into the courthouse. Just as we passed through security, I saw our caseworker. When she called my name and I saw her the emotion of the day hit me and I almost burst into tears. I was, honestly, surprised by my reaction. I think it was because our caseworker has been part of the entire process with us and the journey we had been through somehow became very real to me. Plus, I like our caseworker and realized we wouldn't really be seeing her much anymore (and as a result my house will never quite be as clean).

We proceeded to the court room and as I crossed the threshold Nora had a complete meltdown. She gets overly tired and looses it so I spent a few minutes walking through the courtroom with her in the Ergo Carrier. She finally fell asleep. The line for security was so long that the adoption case that was supposed to be before us wasn't there yet. Also, our judge wasn't there. They found a new judge (who I think was better than the original based on feedback I heard) and they decided to have us go first.

It wasn't quite like I imagined. The entire process was very fast and Nora was sound asleep through the entire process. I pictured photos of all of us calmly smiling with the judge but Joel and I were both stressed out because of the crazy timing and Nora's meltdown and Nora was sound asleep. The judge was kind enough to take a photo with us and he shared with us that he's an adoptive father of two children from Korea.

Our families then went to brunch to celebrate Nora and our new family. I felt blessed to be surrounded by our loved ones who are so happy to be celebrating Nora and who love her so dearly.

(I'm having trouble with my email so photo to come later).

Last Home Visit

Yesterday was our last home visit for Nora. I've realized I'm going to miss these because the house is always spotless. What else is going to motivate Joel and I to clean every square inch of real estate including areas where no one would ever go?

We like our caseworker a lot so there is no longer any anxiety. I'm actually going to miss seeing her. We all just hung out on the floor and discussed Nora as she performed her usual feats on her play mat. When our caseworker first came over Nora was really out of sorts. She's usually really energetic and boisterous and exclaiming loudly. I was a little sad our caseworker wasn't going to see the real Nora but after she woke up a bit she was all kicky legs and excited shrieks.

I of course asked how C and J were doing and found out that C. presented at the last adoption class for the agency. That made me very happy. I remember sitting in that class listening to a birth family present and all I could think is "I wish that would be our birth family". I'm SURE that was the case when C. was presenting. It made me feel very proud of her and happy for her that she's engaged with the agency in that way. I hope that it was therapeutic for her to discuss. It also made me feel some reassurance that she's doing okay. We'll be reaching out to her soon to see if she'd like another visit so hopefully we'll get to see them both again soon.

All is happy in adoption-land. We are exactly one month from our finalization and then the paperwork and legal aspect of adoption will be over. The process has not been too hard on us (other than the horrible wait). I think it was helpful and painful to be with an agency where you are on a wait-list. It's great to see your progress; however, in the months where there is little progress or you don't move it all- that's really painful. I'm glad that this portion is coming to a close. We're now just trying to time when to get back on the list for a sibling for Nora. The wait for a sibling can be 2 years or more. We might not be done with home visits for too long.

Nora's Baptism

Nora's baptism was such a beautiful event. We were able to spend time with C and J an hour before Nora's baptism. We showed up in the room that had been reserved for us a minute late and C and J weren't there. We didn't have definitive confirmation that they'd be there beforehand but we assumed that if they were coming for the baptism they'd certainly come early to see Nora. My heart sank a bit when we didn't see any sign of them.

They had entered a side door of the church and went into the basement. They ran into the deacon of the church and he recognized C as he was her high school teacher (small world). They made some small talk and he told them that he was there for a baptism that day and that it was going to be very special because the baby was adopted and the birthparents were going to be there. C, J and family then commented they were too and they were the birth family. He finally put it all together and we connected.

I was nervous about the meeting and it was a funny feeling of deja vu because the room we were in was the same one I was in before my wedding. That room is full of anxiety for me. We saw C's dad and the rest were following behind. It was so nice to see everyone again. They do feel like family to me and it was nice to reconnect. C and her mom were holding Nora and she was a little fussy so I gave her a bottle. (I've stopped letting other people feed her because they tend to give her gas somehow). We then opened many gifts that they had brought for Nora and caught up. Everyone seemed to be doing great and I know they loved seeing Nora.

Of course, the time flew and it was time to leave the room for mass. I had Nora in the sling because she was tired and fussy and had just fallen asleep. I asked C if she wanted her on during mass and she was excited to "wear" her so C wore her throughout the mass.

Sunday was the celebration of the Holy Family and the sermon was focused exclusively on families. It felt like each word said was so poignant and appropriate for our occasion and the language was so inclusive as family as community rather than necessarily family in the nuclear family sense. I had a moment where I felt so incredibly grateful for our circumstance that I had to try very hard not to start crying. The talk of the love of family and sitting with J and watching C stroke Nora's cheeks and watching her in the sling was very overwhelming in a positive way. I felt so grateful that Nora is surrounded by so much love and I was also so grateful about the love that my family has shown to C and J. Each person in our family made a point during the sign of peace to hug each of them and show them how much they care and how grateful they are. I was especially glad that my sister got to sit next to C so that they could spend some time together.

After the service we had the baptism. It was a very beautiful baptism as Nora was surrounded by those who care about her. Each person made the sign of the cross on her forehead (I think I went a little rogue here). The most touching part of the service, for me, was the blessing of the parents. C came over with me to bless the mothers and I had all of my friends and family laying hands on me when the deacon began reading the rite. I don't remember the exact language but I do remember a portion about the miracle of motherhood and what a gift it is. I really had to try my hardest not to burst into tears hearing these words while holding my daughter with the hands of all of my loved ones upon me including C. I'm so grateful for such a beautiful baptism and for all of the support that was shown during the event.

Last Day of Leave and First Visit with C and J

Today is my last day of my leave where it will just be Nora and I. My sister and her husband are in town for the holidays so we've been having lots of family time. (My sister is holding Nora in this photo). Joel is going to be starting paternity leave this afternoon and will be off through the beginning of March. I've enjoyed my time at home but it's also been challenging. The first six weeks were a little bit hard as Nora had a really hard time after she ate and didn't sleep so well at night. Now she's so easy. I'm attuned to her rhythms and needs and can calm her crying usually within 5 minutes. Now I can almost intuitively know what she needs. She's such a good eater now and has an awesome "sailor burp" with almost no effort which has eliminated most of her fussiness. We've established some loose patterns and I finally feel like I have the hang of this now that I'm passing the baton.

She is even becoming a better sleeper. She woke last night at 2 am and then not again until 6:30. Life with Nora is becoming so much easier and she's so much fun. This little girl has A LOT of personality. She's incredibly independent. If you try to hold her when she's in her "active mode" she arches her back and protests loudly. She likes to be on her own kicking around and talking. She'd love for you to chat with her but just don't restrict her movement. We jokingly call her "Free Bird". She loves sitting in her bouncy seat and having a conversation. I'm only able to sneak some snuggle time when she's hungry or tired (ie sleeping). She's also very vocal about her needs. She is very assertive and will scream like she's being tortured if she's not happy but the second you fix the issue she calms down instantly. C's nickname is "The General" so I think I know where her assertive personality comes from.

It's funny how this is the case as I've always said there would be some sort of meant-to-be connection between us and her birth family. I've always wanted a very assertive, independent daughter (even though the teen years are going to be absolute hell). Even while picking baby names I made sure that the girl names were strong names that a 30 year old woman would not be embarrassed to have. So, I think it's so funny that we got our assertive little girl.

Speaking of C and J, we will have our first visit with them on Sunday. We have invited them to Nora's baptism. I think C's mom will also join us. I'm so glad that they'll get to see Nora right after the holidays. It's been hard to know how things are going to unfold in our relationship with C and J as all of our communication is through the agency. They've only asked for updates from us but we've offered visits. We're not sure if this is what they want going forward so it will be nice to see them in person. A lot can get lost over a game of telephone. We've been told they are doing well but it will be nice to be able to chat in person and see how they feel about future visits with Nora. We certainly don't want to push anything on them but we also don't want them to think they're not welcome in our lives.

I'm a little bit nervous for our visit because I know it's going to be emotional. We're meeting them an hour before the baptism. We'll then all go to mass, have the baptism and then say our goodbyes. It will be hard to have this emotional experience and then have to interact with all of our guests who are attending the baptism. I'm worried because I don't want anyone to say anything wacky to C and J. I also feel a little awkward because our guest are coming back to our house afterwards. I don't want C and Js feelings to be hurt but I also don't feel ready to invite them over and I would imagine they probably don't want to hang our with all of our family and friends either. I'm having a lot of anxiety surrounding this whole baptism because there is so much going on within those few hours and it's so hard to know what the "right" thing to do is so I'm just going with my gut.

During the baptism they ask the mother and father to stand with Nora. I've told the deacon that I'd like C and J to join us during this time but I'm not sure if this is what they would like. I guess I won't know until we have a chance to ask them right before the ceremony. I just want for them to feel included, loved and honored and this is what is causing my stress. I've put together a little gift for them. It's a framed picture of Nora and then a HUGE stack of photos over the last three months. I debated doing something more but I'm having a weird hang up about giving C and J material things that are not related to Nora or the adoption because I don't want to devalue or monetize our relationship. If anyone has any great ideas I can pull off (other than the photo in a nice frame) before Sunday please let me know. Also, if anyone has any advice that would be helpful to me, please share.

Wow, this is what happens when I don't blog for a few days!

Home Visit and Legal Paperwork

Our home visit was great. Nora was a little but fussy so I had her in the sling. We got to visit with our caseworker and she just checked in to see how we're doing. We've been on "lock down" (aka no guests to facilitate bonding) so, it was nice to have adult interaction. We really like her and get along with her well and so it was nice to visit without the stress of waiting. We got to talk a lot about the hospital experience and how things went and felt for us. I haven't written too much about the hospital experience because it was so stressful. It wasn't stressful as in she was thinking of changing her mind or that people were negative but stressful in that you can't maintain that level of emotion for two days straight and not want to have a melt down at the end. I feel extraordinarily blessed by our hospital experience but it was a lot to go through and ours was pretty ideal. We were told our experience and ceremony were in her top 5 of placements she's ever done. So, needless to say, things went really well.

K and J both wrote us letters in the hospital for us and Nora but we haven't read them yet. It was so hard leaving the hospital and every time I looked at Nora I saw K or J's face looking back at me and I kept feeling like I was taking their baby. That night was the same . It is now no longer the case unless she's sleeping and making a pouty face and then she looks like J. I feel like I don't have it in me yet to read the letters. I still feel a little emotionally drained and physically exhausted to go down that road just now. I'm planning on waiting for when we all feel a little more settled and all of our emotions aren't so raw yet.

K and J met with their caseworker yesterday and signed the paperwork. I've been told that, of course, they have good days and bad days but are comfortable with their decisions. Joel and I have also signed our petition to adopt paperwork and submitted that to our caseworker. That means that in Colorado, a judge will need to sign K and J's relinquishment paperwork for it to be final. That usually takes a week or two but we're not worried. I actually haven't been worried since we left the hospital. This just finalizes everything. In about two weeks we won't have any legal risk so Nora is here to stay. We should also find out about a court date soon. Nora's almost officially our daughter.

I also found out that K has written us another letter that our caseworker is sending to us. I haven't written anything to K and J yet. I have so much in my head and in my heart that I want to say to them but I can't find the strength or energy to write it all down. I know that I need to do it soon but I can't bring myself to put pen to paper at the moment.

P.S. My caseworker also pointed out that K's name is actually C. I had discovered this awhile ago and didn't make the switch - I'm not sure why. I think I felt like it might make her name more obvious. However, in the event that I ever share this with Nora it would be nice to have her birthmom's name correct so it will be C from here on out.