Adoptions Gone Wrong

This was just the topic previewed for the Dr. Phil Show tomorrow. (I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm watching Dr. Phil but a girl has to do something while folding laundry).

I'm sure the show will be inflammatory. Just wanted to let the blogosphere know. I'm sure I'll have quite a bit to say tomorrow afternoon or I won't have the energy to care about what Dr. Phil and guests dramatize about adoption. Stay tuned...

Adoption is Not Easy for Us Non-Celebrities

I'm a little bit perturbed by all of the international celebrity adoptions taking place these days. I am all for people adopting and raising awareness in the media about adoptive issues. However, I always hope that it is a true desire to parent an adopted child that is driving this trend and that it's with eyes wide open to the issues and blessings that come with adoption.

I feel like with each celebrity adoption this notion of "saving a child" keeps getting reinforced in the media. I've already been on my soapbox about this topic in this blog post: http://waitingforbambino.blogspot.com/2009/05/selfishness-of-adoption.html but it really gets to me. My husband has not had the onslaught of comments as much as I have because he's a much more private person but now that he's been making our imminent adoption public he's been confronted with this notion of the "noble adopter" so much more. Of course, he always gives the pat answer of "we're the lucky ones". I wish that somehow we could change this notion. I guess we can one person at a time.

It's also frustrating because the adoption process is not easy. It's mentally, emotionally and financially taxing and I think that sometimes people loose site of this. While I'm so incredibly excited for our baby to (hopefully) join us there are so many conflicting emotions that take place inside my heart and mind each day around this process that the flippantness with which adoption can be treated in the media and society has struck a particular chord with me in my current state of angst.

I'm now stepping off the soap box and feel much better getting that off my chest and into the blogosphere (yet again). You'd thinking all that soaking in New Mexico would have calmed me down!

Birthparents

I was stopped in a torential rain storm today in my car and had some time to think about the incident with my neighbor yesterday. After considering his comment more I wish that I had addressed his underlying fear about birthmothers.

I was so taken aback by the comment that I didn't think that his comment was really more a comment of fear about birthmothers. (So many things to educate people about!). It is so disheartening to experience how people feel about the women who make the extremely difficult decision to create a plan of adoption. I can't imagine the burden that they carry when comments like this are wielded about freely. I was offended because I already feel protective of my future bambino but really I should have responded about the bravery and thoughtfulness of those women and men who make this very difficult decision that enable many of us to be parents. I know even in my brief experience of being matched my heart was breaking for the birthmom and she was in my thoughts all night through her labor.

Sadly, I know the occasion will arise again to educate someone else. I have a lifetime of being an adoption ambassador ahead of me so I'm sure I'll get a redo on this one.

Crack Babies/Stupid Comments

So, I was just out walking the dog in front of our building and ran into my neighbor. Word has traveled fast that we are moving so we are now chatting more than ever with everyone in our building. We've shared with many of our neighbors that we are adopting and so we are moving to have more space. Of course, word of us adopting has traveled quickly along with the gossip of us moving.

My neighbor stopped me to inquire about our move and I once again shared that we were adopting and that's why we were moving. He's a neighbor that I like and one that I generally chat with. When I explained about the adoption he said, "You aren't getting a crack baby are you?". What an insane question to ask. Part of me wanted to say, "Yes. I am getting a crack baby."

Of course, I was a good adoption ambassador and explained to him the criteria and forms that you fill out with the agency to ensure a good match and explained that some people are more open than others to different experiences and challenges and if he was concerned about something like that he could indicate so with the agency should he ever choose to adopt. (I am cutting him some slack because he and his partner are gay and may have considered adoption). I know people sometimes don't have filters and are just verbalizing their fears but SERIOUSLY?!?!

He then continued to tell me that his friends "got a baby" from a mom who abused drugs and the daughter is now a dilinquent even though they are wealthy and gave her everything. (Notice no mention of their parenting abilities). I was a little worn down so I just said with a smile, of course, the child you birth could come out the same way. Lord knows I've known plenty of families like that (smile and laugh).

I'm so glad I have this lovely blog to vent!

The Selfishness of Adoption

I didn't want to taint my very positive entry about how great my employer is about supporting adoption. However, I have wanted to blog about this topic for awhile and it came up again during the "expectant parent" fair.

It was fairly obvious (thank you genetics) that I am not pregnant when I was walking around the expectant parent fair so in the course of conversation I would let people know that we were adopting. Everyone, of course, is very supportive of adoption and responds with the usual "that's so great". There is then always a smaller percentage of people who will ask from which country will I be adopting. I then always tell them, "here in Colorado". So many people then respond with, "That's so great. It's too bad everyone goes to (fill in the blank) for babies when there are so many babies who need homes here in the United States."

I really don't have the energy to engage with everyone and it seems not worth it sometimes, but, that statement is so untrue when it comes to domestic infant adoption. If there were so many babies who needed homes we wouldn't all be waiting years to bring a baby into our homes. I then always picture an image in their minds of my husband and I strolling through an "orphanage" selecting the perfect baby.

I think the statement sets up the notion that we are "saving" a child which is so incredibly opposite of the truth. My husband and I are adopting for purely selfish reasons. We want to start a family and bring a child into our lives. This belief that many people harbor upsets me because I don't want my child to be viewed as someone who is "lucky" or was "saved". I know that I have only just begun my job of "adoption ambassador" and I have lots of good "positive" comments in my arsenal but sometimes a girl just needs to vent.