The Call

One year ago today I received a call while I was at work to let me know that I was finally going to be a mother. Joel and I had been selected by birthparents to parent their baby girl that was due in September. I remember being filled with excitement and panic all at once and how we got to work right away on figuring out what needed to be done to our newly purchased house to get ready for bambino.

It's crazy to think that a year has passed since that initial introduction to our daughter, Nora. I look at her now and each day she looks less like a baby and more like a little girl. The time is moving so quickly, yet, I'm savoring each moment and each stage. I feel beyond blessed to have received that call and to have Nora as my daughter.

No Longer Quite as Crazy

I'm in a much better place than last time that I posted. I think work is feeling more manageable and I'm not as riddled with doubt as I have been over the last month. I think it's just taken awhile for everything to sink in and for me to get to that happy place. The first time that we received "the call" I was immediately in the happy place. This time it's taken me quite a bit longer but I've finally arrived.

A colleague and fellow adoptive mom counseled me that she felt the exact same way when she got "the call". It's a lot to take in and to process.

I've also been having that feeling of "what are we doing?". It's hard when your entire life is going to turn upside down in 4 short weeks to process all of that. It's very clear that I've been wanting to start a family for a VERY long time but when it actually comes to fruition it's a really scary thing. I keep thinking of all of the ways our lives are going to be different, better, but still different. I think it's probably the feeling that you have when you first see that positive on the pregnancy test. "That's so great and holy crap what have we done!" all mixed into one. This has been the overwhelming emotion I have been feeling this week mixed with the opposite emotion of fear that this isn't going to happen.

I'm not sure what's changed but I'm no longer having a flip out over the huge lifestyle and priority shift that will be happening in my world soon or the fear of K and J changing their minds. This might be short lived but I'm enjoying it. I was in a week of focusing on the negative and now my thoughts have take a turn for the better.

I'm thinking of all of the exciting things that we've waited for years to do with our bambino. I'm realizing I can actually go buy gender specific clothes. It's all slowly starting to sink in. I never realized I was so slow to process and accept change.

Baby Room Round 2

It's been a whirlwind of a month. We've officially been in our house for about 5 weeks and we're finally getting settled. Most things are unpacked (except for the stuff we put in the basement and just shut the door) and we are slowly making things are own. We still don't have any of our artwork up on the walls and there is a lot of painting that we'd like to do.

Prior to a couple of weeks ago I decided I was going to leave all of the baby stuff in the closet. I had moved everything into the closet to clean the room and then decided that that was where the nursery was going to stay. Of course, the morning that I came to this decision we got the call.

We're now fixing up the baby room again. The previous owners had it painted a bright yellow. It's a cheery color and I don't really mind it but Joel can't stand it so we're going to paint the room. Bright yellow wouldn't be my first choice for the baby room so I'm happy to comply. So, today, we are going to fix up the baby nursery. We've put paint swatches on the wall to determine the very best color and off we go.

I have to be honest- I'm still reluctant to set-up the nursery. I'm even more reluctant because we are going to have our baby girl in mind as we paint the nursery and begin to get everything fixed up. I think it was easier when we didn't have a baby in mind to set-up the nursery. My mind keeps going to "what if this doesn't work out". This nursery is directly across the hall from our bedroom. I can't fathom seeing it every day if this doesn't work out. (But, then again, I won't have to because I'll be taking a very very long vacation somewhere:).

I'm still allowing myself to get excited and to pick out names. I've ordered bottles and nursery accessories off of Ama.zon and we are definitely preparing. I'm really excited but there is that voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me to be careful. I think it's all the years of fertility treatments and disappointments and our failed match that are so hard to shake.

I'm not sure what will put my mind at ease other than having baby in my arms at home. K and J are amazing and have created such a thorough plan. It's really the most ideal situation and so well thought out and I think that's what scares me the most.

Now that that's all off my chest, I'm off to paint and create a more restful atmosphere for the baby so she doesn't have to wake up to electric yellow every morning.

Meeting K and J: Bambino's Birthparents

We had our first meeting yesterday with K and J, Bambino's birthparents. I had worked myself into an utter disaster in anticipation of this meeting. On Tuesday I developed what I think might be eczema. The skin on the palm side of my fingers looked like I'd been in a bath for about a week and my skin was flaking and peeling off and felt like sand paper- very sexy I know. My co-worker commented that while I didn't seem stressed she hypothesized that bottling it up was making it ooze out of my fingers. (I think she's not too far off because right after our meeting my "condition" has vastly improved.)

Needless to say, I was a complete wreck. We had our meeting yesterday morning and I actually slept well the night before and seemed fine. The moment I got into the car it became very real and I was so stressed. We had to take the dog to the groomer first, which was a bit funny because he hates the groomer, so he was really stressed out too and was anxiously pacing around the back seat and panting loudly. Everyone in the car was a complete wreck, dog included. I really thought I'd become ill at any moment.

We finally arrived at Adoption Options and met with our caseworker. We strategized about how the room should be set-up and what would be most comfortable. We decided on cramming around a small circular table as that would be most intimate. We then just waited for K and J to arrive.

K and J walked into the room and it's a strange feeling to be seeing them for the first time. I never had an image in my mind of what our birthparents would look like and I had no expectations but it's so remarkable to see someone for the first time. I'm sure they had the same experience laying eyes on us for the first time as well (although, of course, they saw us in the video).

I can't even articulate what utter nervous disasters all of us were. It actually made me feel better that we were all equally as nervous. I felt like we were a group of pre-teens meeting for the first time and the caseworkers were helping to move along a normal adult conversation. I'm generally a fairly articulate person and I felt like I was bumbling through everything that I was trying to say. It's such an awkward and difficult meeting even though we clearly all liked each other off the bat. Luckily, our caseworker had warned us that this meeting is just awkward for everyone. That was reassuring.

I really liked both K. and J. They are very amazing, thoughtful and self-less individuals. I felt at ease with K. as she actually reminds me quite a bit of my cousin and that familiarity helped. She was so very thoughtful and has given a great deal of thought to her plan of adoption to the point of finding a space for us during her hospital tour. She has welcomed us into the hospital and myself into the delivery room because she thought that I might like to have that experience since I wasn't able to have that on my own. I felt that that was incredibly thoughtful and selfless. I'm trying to give her as much space as I can because I can't even imagine what giving birth would be like and I told her that she can just see how she feels minute by minute and we will respect whatever she wants and not take anything personally.

K has given so much thought to her plan of adoption that she's creating a baby book for the baby with photos all about her and her family and information explaining her decision. I can't tell you what this means to me. I'm so incredibly grateful to her for her love and devotion to the bambino. It is so utterly clear in every decision that she makes and everything that she does.

I think K and J are trying to be very sensitive to boundaries but I really want to make sure they are comfortable with us so I offered another meeting if they'd like. They decided to take us up on another meeting and we'll be meeting with them again in early September at a more casual location. I'm so grateful for another opportunity to meet with them where we will have our initial jitters out of the way and it will be more relaxed.

We ended the meeting by taking a group photo. I still can't believe that this is really happening. I think I've looked at this photo many times over the past 12 hours to make it sink in that this is real. I have to keep looking at our camera to remind myself that this is happening. I was yet again looking at the photo this morning and Joel commented that K and I actually have very similar faces and smiles and that we actually look alike.

I feel so blessed to have K and J as our birthparents and to have this incredibly wonderful situation. This is far better than I could have imagined.

The Call

Today we got "the call". I knew it was "the call" because I had just been emailing home study dates with our caseworker and knew that she wouldn't be calling unless it was important since we had just been emailing.

She let us know that we had been selected by a family and they are having a baby girl on September 28. I was at work when I got the call and tried to conference in Joel. I did a miserable job of trying to connect our phones and then our caseworker gave it a shot with success. I was so glad that Joel and I were able to hear the information simultaneously - unlike last time.

The situation seems positive and we are going to learn more and meet mom and dad. I keep vacilating between excitement and feeling numb. I think I'm a little bit overwhelmed and I'm worried to get too excited. I think it's so much to take in.

I'm a bit of a superstitious person so here are some of the things that I find to be interesting:

• I've negletcted wearing my adoption juju bracelet this week and finally remembered to wear it today. I even made that comment to my co-worker who gave it to me that I finally have it on. In addition, I planned on working a half day and got the call from our caseworker an hour before it was time for me to leave.


• Joel's sister is in town from Michigan and she and Joel's mom were planning to meet him for lunch. They heard the exciting news and Carol, his sister, shared that she had just made a comment that it would be great if we got "the call" while she was out. Joel's mom responded with, "wouldn't that be something". Carol then said a little prayer that if God wanted things to work that way she wouldn't be disappointed.


• My mom was also teaching school and had the word "newborn". She used it in a sentence: "I'm going to be the grandma to a newborn".


• Finally, my sister is going to be out here when baby is due.

I guess we're all trying to will this little bambino into our lives the best that we can through prayer, juju and whatever other means we can think of at our disposal. It's such a nerve wracking place to find myself again. I'm excited but sort of can't believe that it's real. I felt some serious emotions welling up when I called my sister but had to suppress them because I didn't want to start bawling at work. Now I think I'm just in shock. I'm sure it will all sink in over the weekend. It's hard to believe that I might not be waiting for bambino for much longer.

Baby Calls

I've had two interesting calls this month regarding baby situations. These are always challenging calls because it's always so hard to tell what to do when you learn about a baby via "telephone". It's so much riskier when you learn of a situation that doesn't come to you through the agency. After waiting for a year, it feels like our turn is almost up and we should just hang in there with the agency. On the other hand, they've been having a really slow couple of months which makes me feel like we might be waiting forever. It's so difficult to know what the right situation is and to have patience and wait for that situation to find you.

Joel's Perspective on the Highs and Low of Adoption

This blog has exclusively been from my perspective on adoption; however, Joel posted a comment to my blog that I wanted to publish (with his blessing) since it's great to have his perspective:

"My sister wrote me an email offering her support - I've been meaning to post my perspective so I thought I would just share my response.

Thanks for the kind words. It has really helped that everyone has been so supportive. Yeah, we were close but the birth mother decided to parent. Jen and I were pretty sad for a couple of days but I think we’ve pretty much recovered and are feeling optimistic again.

Frankly, for me it’s almost good that I was able to experience this false start. The last minute rejection has always been a fear of mine. I couldn't imagine how terrible it would make me feel to be almost matched and have it fall through at the last moment. I've now come to see that having that fear affected how I approached the initial process of adopting. I went into this last match with lots of reservations, knowing it could fail and result in some pretty intense feelings of loss. I wanted to feel the excitement and intensity of the moment but wouldn't allow for fear of the consequences if it didn't happen. But you know what? After experiencing it, it’s not so bad.

Yeah, it sucks at first; you feel like somebody punched your gut pretty hard, but you move on. After a couple of days with some time to reflect and the support of friends and family, the situation doesn’t appear as bleak as it once did.

I've come to realize that just because this one opportunity didn't come to fruition, it doesn’t mean we’ve reached a final end. It just means that our baby, the one meant for us, is still out there. And now, moving forward, I don't carry that fear of rejection as much. The next time we have a potential match, I think I'll be able to enjoy it much more. I’ll allow myself to feel the wonder and excitement that this unique experience offers. Even if it doesn't happen and the match falls through at the last minute, I now realize that there are events in life that can be devastating, but a failed match is far from one of them."

The Morning After

So, for all my stoicism and "I'm just fine " yesterday, today was much harder. I woke up and it sort of sank in that I wouldn't be picking up bambino this morning. Of course, I knew that, but sleeping on it somehow made it worse and more real.

I think more than anything I was just thinking about how we might not have a girl. I don't really care what gender our baby is but knowing a gender is the closest we've ever come to parenting. I could actually think about having a baby girl. An African-American baby girl at that. That's the only opportunity I've had to this point to actually have a realistic mental image of our child. It's always an ambiguous baby with morphing gender and ethnicity. I think it was a little bit harder because I had a mental image of our baby.

I took today to work from home so that if I randomly burst into tears I didn't have to feel awkward and run for the bathroom. If anything, I'm definitely NOT a public cryer. It was nice to be at home, get work done, and have time to process. I'm feeling so much better this evening after having some time and space. I'm so grateful that if this had to happen it was over the course of four days rather than two months. I'm also wishing all the best to birth mom in her new journey.

My husband, friends, family, caseworker and colleagues have been so phenomenal through this process. It has really made me realize how loved and supported we are. That's an amazing gift to have.

Back on the List

I woke up this morning after very little sleep, cautiously optimistic about the prospect of meeting our child today. We had spent last night going through names on Post-it-Notes to come up with a short-list for our meeting today.

I couldn't sleep all night (as noted in my earlier 1 am posting). I know that movies make me pass out so I put on some bad Netflix film that Joel has refused to watch with me and ended up falling asleep on the couch. Joel was very sweet and woke me up on the couch and moved me to bed. He woke me up several hours later with a steaming latte. Nothing could be better. I woke up a little bit pessimistic and didn't have a great feeling but also knew that I can't predict the future and that I've had a range of emotions over the last twelve hours.

I did a couple of things for work and then hopped in the shower. I contemplated whether shaving my legs would have any baring on my future of parenting and decided to skip it to save time. I agonized over what to wear. If I was meeting our baby and birth mom had been in labor all night, maybe I should wear jeans. I also wanted to make a good impression. I settled on a casual skirt, shirt and boots. I didn't really look like a mom when I looked in the mirror - whatever that means, but, that's what went through my head. Maybe I should wear something more matronly. So silly. I decided to go with a skirt and black shirt accompanied by the necklace that I wore in our adoption video (just in case that sealed the deal) and my boots.

Joel and I decided to stop at Dazbog and grab a couple more coffees and breakfast burritos. We started our trek to south Aurora. We were on I-225 almost at the Mississippi exit when I got the dreaded call. I saw the blocked number on my cell phone and knew it was our caseworker- birth mom was feeling like she wanted to parent. She said that birth mom's caseworker was still trying to meet with her and our caseworker would call us back before noon to give us an update.

I signaled to Joel to turn around. I didn't really cry. I just wanted to drive somewhere else super fast. I asked Joel if we could head east on I-70. We headed past the airport toward Watkins. It felt really good to be moving and watching the landscape fly by me. Going home meant dealing with my reality and I need to avoid it for a little bit. After awhile, we decided to turn around. On our way back to Denver our caseworker called again. It was definitive- birth mom was going to be a parent. She told us that birth mom wanted us to know that it was nothing personal and that she really liked us. I think our hunch was right that she held baby and couldn't imagine being without her. I can certainly appreciate that. It wasn't our baby. Ours is yet to come.

Joel and I decided to go on a hike to get out some of the extra energy and angst. It was 70 degrees in January and there really wasn't a better day to hike. We got to spend time talking about how we were coping. Strangely, we both seemed to be coping with everything very well. I think years of infertility can prime you for disappointment and you know a little bit better how to roll with the punches.

We're now back on the list waiting for the next call. Today was super-hard and I wouldn't want to repeat it but it definitely confirmed that our baby is still out there somewhere.

The Call

I spent the week in a conference in Portland with my colleagues from the Western region. On Thursday night, Joel flew in to spend a long weekend with me. I had a half day left of conference activities. While I was sitting in the conference, my phone was ringing. I received two calls from the same blocked number and then a voice message. I didn't really think anything of it and thought it might be Nina calling to give me an update from a date she had the night before.

The conference ended and I rushed back to the hotel to pack and check-out. After we checked-out of the hotel, we began to wander toward our lunch destination. I finally remembered that I had a voice message on my phone that I needed to check. The second I heard, "Hi, Jen. This is 'caseworker' from Adoption Options" I knew that this was "the call".

I immediately almost burst into tears with Joel trying to calm me down. We had no where private to go to make the call and nothing to write with. We ran across the street to a pharmacy, but, they had no pens. We then realized we were a few blocks from Powell's Books (my favorite bookstore). We ducked in there and quickly bought a Powell's pen and ran back outside to call our caseworker back.

She informed us that we had been chosen by a family. Birth om had watched our profile and chose us. She had watched four other videos and began to jump up and down when she saw Joel and I. She liked our sense of humor and thought we seemed fun. The next step is to set-up a meeting with our caseworker and her caseworker for a formal presentation and then meet birthmom the next day. Today is Friday and this was all to happen on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. Everything seems very positive and like it should work out very well.