We're Officially a Family!

On Tuesday, our adoption was finalized. This date hasn't been emotionally significant to me but it's been a nice marker for the end of the formalized process. I felt like Nora was our daughter when, like a deer in the headlights, we left the hospital and I scolded myself for swearing on the way home and anxiously made sure that no one on the road was going to put her precious life in danger.

The first weeks were surreal as we went from a couple with no children to a family but Nora felt like "ours" all the while. This was a luxury we were afforded by how amazing C and J have been through this process and their maturity and selflessness. This entire process could have felt much different and I'm blessed that we have had the experience that we have had.

Nora woke up at 4:30 am on the day of her finalization. (Daycare has thrown her sleep for a loop and she still hasn't slept through the night). I brought her downstairs on the couch to lay with her and held her back to sleep for an hour or so. It was such precious time for me to think of how blessed I am to have this beautiful and remarkable daughter. It's sometimes hard for me to realize that I get to be her mother. I notice that I refer to myself as mommy maybe a little bit more than other moms. I think it's because sometimes it's hard for me to believe that this is my life and I have the privilege of being a mother to Nora.

My sister and brother-in-law flew out to take part in her finalization. So, the house was soon crazy with four adults trying to get ready and get out the door by 6:45 am. Joel's parents were going to follow us to the court house so they were at our house as well in the midst of utter chaos. My house was a disaster and we were were all in an insane whirlwind trying to leave. I got Nora dressed and realized I lost her shoe that matched with her dress. We searched frantically for it and ended up on Plan B. Finally, we were all in the car and on our way to the courthouse.

We got to the courthouse in plenty of time and waited in line to get through security. I justified why all of us had a million cameras when they aren't normally allowed and we all proceeded into the courthouse. Just as we passed through security, I saw our caseworker. When she called my name and I saw her the emotion of the day hit me and I almost burst into tears. I was, honestly, surprised by my reaction. I think it was because our caseworker has been part of the entire process with us and the journey we had been through somehow became very real to me. Plus, I like our caseworker and realized we wouldn't really be seeing her much anymore (and as a result my house will never quite be as clean).

We proceeded to the court room and as I crossed the threshold Nora had a complete meltdown. She gets overly tired and looses it so I spent a few minutes walking through the courtroom with her in the Ergo Carrier. She finally fell asleep. The line for security was so long that the adoption case that was supposed to be before us wasn't there yet. Also, our judge wasn't there. They found a new judge (who I think was better than the original based on feedback I heard) and they decided to have us go first.

It wasn't quite like I imagined. The entire process was very fast and Nora was sound asleep through the entire process. I pictured photos of all of us calmly smiling with the judge but Joel and I were both stressed out because of the crazy timing and Nora's meltdown and Nora was sound asleep. The judge was kind enough to take a photo with us and he shared with us that he's an adoptive father of two children from Korea.

Our families then went to brunch to celebrate Nora and our new family. I felt blessed to be surrounded by our loved ones who are so happy to be celebrating Nora and who love her so dearly.

(I'm having trouble with my email so photo to come later).

Before and After

I had a nice happy hour this evening with a prospective adoptive-mom who has been following my blog. Another friend of mine who I met through my blog recently brought her baby home, and another bloggy friend is on an eternal wait list (or at least that's how it seems when you are on the list). All these lovely women got me thinking about the wait, the journey and the before and after of the adoption process. It's been reiterated to me that Nora and our family provide hope to those who are waiting. So, in that vein, here is a really depressing photo from a past blog post (during wait) and then a happy photo from a blog post post-placement of Nora at two months. It's definitely a roller-coaster and there is no way my mind could conceive that at some point a baby would be in that car seat when I posted my sad blog post about the long wait. Now, I feel so very grateful that that same car seat is filled by my little spicy, baby girl, Nora. The adoption process is so hard and so I felt like these photos are my sad little attempt at providing hope to all those amazing waiting-moms that they too will have a full car seat (and the nice by-product of rockin' mom arms - or so I've heard).

Last Home Visit

Yesterday was our last home visit for Nora. I've realized I'm going to miss these because the house is always spotless. What else is going to motivate Joel and I to clean every square inch of real estate including areas where no one would ever go?

We like our caseworker a lot so there is no longer any anxiety. I'm actually going to miss seeing her. We all just hung out on the floor and discussed Nora as she performed her usual feats on her play mat. When our caseworker first came over Nora was really out of sorts. She's usually really energetic and boisterous and exclaiming loudly. I was a little sad our caseworker wasn't going to see the real Nora but after she woke up a bit she was all kicky legs and excited shrieks.

I of course asked how C and J were doing and found out that C. presented at the last adoption class for the agency. That made me very happy. I remember sitting in that class listening to a birth family present and all I could think is "I wish that would be our birth family". I'm SURE that was the case when C. was presenting. It made me feel very proud of her and happy for her that she's engaged with the agency in that way. I hope that it was therapeutic for her to discuss. It also made me feel some reassurance that she's doing okay. We'll be reaching out to her soon to see if she'd like another visit so hopefully we'll get to see them both again soon.

All is happy in adoption-land. We are exactly one month from our finalization and then the paperwork and legal aspect of adoption will be over. The process has not been too hard on us (other than the horrible wait). I think it was helpful and painful to be with an agency where you are on a wait-list. It's great to see your progress; however, in the months where there is little progress or you don't move it all- that's really painful. I'm glad that this portion is coming to a close. We're now just trying to time when to get back on the list for a sibling for Nora. The wait for a sibling can be 2 years or more. We might not be done with home visits for too long.

Social Worker Visit and Finalization Date

We have another visit with our social worker today but this time in her office. Hooray! My house is a disaster and I won't have time to clean it until tomorrow. It's just another post-placement visit. It will be fun to bring Nora into the office.

It was so hard to imagine during the process that we'd ever be doing that. When you sit in that conference room for your orientation classes it's nearly impossible to imagine that you'll ever be in that space with a baby but here we are almost exactly two years later from our first orientation.

We're definitely nearing the end of the adoption process. We have one more education class and we just received our finalization date. On April 14 Nora will legally be our daughter. It's fun to have that date in mind. I'm going to borrow from my brother-in-law's family as they call his finalization day his "Love Day". I love this term so much more than "Gotcha Day" (sounds aggressive) so I'm going to officially appropriate it on April 14. I've been thinking a lot about how to celebrate this day each year. I think we're going to make it a family day. I don't want it to become another birthday. I'd like it to be more of a day for family experiences/fun. I was really hoping that it would be on my birthday (6 months to the day after her birth) but it's a few weeks after and that is okay with me. More days to celebrate are never a bad thing.

Paperwork Signed and More Shower Fun

Yesterday my co-workers threw Nora a lovely baby shower. (I know I'm very spoiled by many kind people). I returned back to work for her celebration and a co-celebration with another colleague who is on my team whose little boy is due any day now! We have had a baby boom in our department in the last three months. The shower was beautiful and the menu was amazing: Italian deli meats, cheeses, crackers and amazing cupcakes. It was such a sweet shower and it was so nice to see how excited everyone was to meet Nora. She was even awake for the beginning of the celebration. It was so nice to see everyone and to catch up. I'm so lucky to work with so many fantastic people.

While I was getting ready to leave the house for the shower, which requires a couple of hours of planning and some serious strategy, I checked my email. Our caseworker had emailed me and let me know that the judge has signed our paperwork so our "legal risk" is over. It's funny that this milestone didn't really matter to me and it hasn't really even been in the back of my mind. Once we took Nora home from the hospital that day I knew she was home to stay. I think if we had had a different relationship with C and J or if circumstances were different I would have been counting down the days for this paperwork to be signed. However, this news didn't really make any difference to me and for that I'm thankful. Now we are just waiting for our court date which will likely be in the spring. I already feel official but I'm looking forward to being "paper official" and being able to leave the country. Hooray!

We're Lucky: Good Comments

We went to the police station yesterday to get finger printed (again) to finalize our adoption. The woman finger printing us asked if we were doing it for an adoption since we had Nora with us. She was covered up in her car seat (because we don't want anyone sneezing on her:) so she couldn't see her. The finger printer was Vietnamese and I think she sees a lot of international adoptions so she was talking a bit about how with Asian adoptions the babies can't know their birthparents etc and her experiences in Vietnam.

We told her that she was from Colorado and she would know her birthparents. She said "oh that's very good." Then she told us, "You are very lucky". Yes we are. This woman totally got adoption and was so great. It always surprises me who will make positive or negative comments regarding adoption. It was so nice for someone to affirm how lucky we are.

Adoption is Not Easy for Us Non-Celebrities

I'm a little bit perturbed by all of the international celebrity adoptions taking place these days. I am all for people adopting and raising awareness in the media about adoptive issues. However, I always hope that it is a true desire to parent an adopted child that is driving this trend and that it's with eyes wide open to the issues and blessings that come with adoption.

I feel like with each celebrity adoption this notion of "saving a child" keeps getting reinforced in the media. I've already been on my soapbox about this topic in this blog post: http://waitingforbambino.blogspot.com/2009/05/selfishness-of-adoption.html but it really gets to me. My husband has not had the onslaught of comments as much as I have because he's a much more private person but now that he's been making our imminent adoption public he's been confronted with this notion of the "noble adopter" so much more. Of course, he always gives the pat answer of "we're the lucky ones". I wish that somehow we could change this notion. I guess we can one person at a time.

It's also frustrating because the adoption process is not easy. It's mentally, emotionally and financially taxing and I think that sometimes people loose site of this. While I'm so incredibly excited for our baby to (hopefully) join us there are so many conflicting emotions that take place inside my heart and mind each day around this process that the flippantness with which adoption can be treated in the media and society has struck a particular chord with me in my current state of angst.

I'm now stepping off the soap box and feel much better getting that off my chest and into the blogosphere (yet again). You'd thinking all that soaking in New Mexico would have calmed me down!

The Selfishness of Adoption

I didn't want to taint my very positive entry about how great my employer is about supporting adoption. However, I have wanted to blog about this topic for awhile and it came up again during the "expectant parent" fair.

It was fairly obvious (thank you genetics) that I am not pregnant when I was walking around the expectant parent fair so in the course of conversation I would let people know that we were adopting. Everyone, of course, is very supportive of adoption and responds with the usual "that's so great". There is then always a smaller percentage of people who will ask from which country will I be adopting. I then always tell them, "here in Colorado". So many people then respond with, "That's so great. It's too bad everyone goes to (fill in the blank) for babies when there are so many babies who need homes here in the United States."

I really don't have the energy to engage with everyone and it seems not worth it sometimes, but, that statement is so untrue when it comes to domestic infant adoption. If there were so many babies who needed homes we wouldn't all be waiting years to bring a baby into our homes. I then always picture an image in their minds of my husband and I strolling through an "orphanage" selecting the perfect baby.

I think the statement sets up the notion that we are "saving" a child which is so incredibly opposite of the truth. My husband and I are adopting for purely selfish reasons. We want to start a family and bring a child into our lives. This belief that many people harbor upsets me because I don't want my child to be viewed as someone who is "lucky" or was "saved". I know that I have only just begun my job of "adoption ambassador" and I have lots of good "positive" comments in my arsenal but sometimes a girl just needs to vent.

Home Visit Update

Our home visit was very short and sweet yesterday. There wasn't the insane anxiety of the home visit of the previous year. We're very comfortable around our caseworker so all was good. There wasn't really a home inspection since it was so apparent that we are not going to be here for much longer. She then just had to ask the obligatory questions for the agency. These included whether or not we'd been arrested for a felony or misdemeanor in the last year, had we had any domestic violence incidents or any new drug habits to report. Luckily, we've made it through the past year without being arrested and we're too focused on stashing away cash for a down payment to start a drug habit - I hear they're expensive;). Of course, it's important that all these questions be asked but it seems pretty apparent when you are sitting down with us that the answers to all of those questions would be no.

We also learned that the agency is VERY slow right now. She said that they have been trying to figure out why. She said that abortion rates are up in the state but that doesn't explain all of it. There are quite a few women who she said are currently in counseling that are due in September - November.

This will sound funny since I've been so anxiously awaiting bambino, but, I'd love to have a September call so that we had time to get settled in our new digs. We were laughing with our caseworker that the universe was going to sabotage us and a mom would come out of the blue and pick us in the next few weeks (not that that would be the worst thing that could happen). So, all is good on the adoption front. I have a feeling it's going to be a bit on the back burner for the next month or two.

Annual Home Study

Today our caseworker is coming over to update our information and perform our annual home study. The timing of this is somewhat funny as we have decided to move. The room that we had dedicated as the baby room for the last eight months is now being turned back into an office so that we can put our place on the market. Right now it is a staging area for boxes that are going into storage. I think I'd normally be nervous before our home visit, but, our caseworker is great and I'm much more comfortable around her than I was the first time. I'm also not as nervous because our house is in chaos and there is really nothing to be done about it since we are moving.

I'm so glad that we have decided to move. It feels great to be making some sort of change in our lives right now and we desperately need the space. I keep hoping that we are in the process of unpacking the last box at our new place when we get "the call". Fingers crossed.

One Year and Waiting

We have been so busy that I feel like I'm perpetually a couple of days behind in my postings. I think this is most apparent in the fact that I neglected to acknowledge our one year anniversary of being accepted into the adoption pool. On May 12, we've officially been waiting one year for bambino.

If you look at past posts, I've been plenty whiny about the fact that we've been waiting. Being matched in January has made the wait seem a bit longer. We also received a call a couple of weeks after being accepted about being profiled to a mother. I think these calls set us up to have unrealistic expectations about how quickly this process would go. We were told by our caseworker that it would take a year to a year and a half so we're well within that range.

We asked our caseworker not to tell us if we were being profiled. I couldn't handle that roller coaster so we don't really know if we've just not clicked with the right mother or if the agency is really slow. It's so hard to tell.

Baby Calls

I've had two interesting calls this month regarding baby situations. These are always challenging calls because it's always so hard to tell what to do when you learn about a baby via "telephone". It's so much riskier when you learn of a situation that doesn't come to you through the agency. After waiting for a year, it feels like our turn is almost up and we should just hang in there with the agency. On the other hand, they've been having a really slow couple of months which makes me feel like we might be waiting forever. It's so difficult to know what the right situation is and to have patience and wait for that situation to find you.

Embracing Adoption

I've had the luxury of a half day off of work due to snow today. As a good procrastinator with a messy house and a hamper full of laundry, I've decided to search the blogosphere for other souls blogging about adoption.

I just read a blog about a couple's decision to adopt. I was so excited to read about their epiphany moment and what a great decision they had reached to welcome a child into their lives. Instead, I read that adoption was a "last resort option" for them. Now, I don't want to be a hypocrite. We did reach the end of one road and had to switch paths to another; however, I don't feel like this option is "second best". I feel like it's a little more challenging and takes a lot more work and patience but is not an inferior road to parenthood.

I think adoption opens you up to the possibilities of a life outside of your own and the freedom of raising a child without inherent expectations. I’ve thought a lot about biological parenting and adoptive parenting and I really feel like had we had a biological child we might have projected expectations and talents on that child based on our own experiences and talents. I feel that the adoptive experience allows our child to tell us who s/he is and what their interests and talents might be outside of our expectations. I think this is absolutely true of biological parenting as well but I think that it’s a lot harder to remove yourself, your expectations and your genetics from the equation.

Of course there is always the grieving of infertility of not seeing you husband’s smile or your sister’s eyes reflected in your child’s face. You loose the genetic bond that you have to past generations and to past members of your families. These things are all true. However, I feel like the life and values you provide your child are far more important and provide a far greater connection to your legacy than any DNA could ever provide.

This leads me to my final thought on this snowy day. I very frequently hear from people when I share that we are in the process of adoption that I'm going to get pregnant right after we adopt. Of course, they have a plethora of stories of a friend of a friend to back up this assertion. This statistically happens 10% of the time- a very small and remote number. This also most likely happened exclusively in an era before extensive diagnostics for infertility. I found a very funny term for this on the blog “Tales from the Stirrups” this afternoon: “pregenated”.

I'm not sure what people intend when they “pregenate” me but it’s wearing on me for the exclusive reason that I feel like it devalues our decision to adopt and the relationship that we will have with our child when people make this comment. It reinforces the idea of second best or "last resort". It also perpetuates the idea that we are not happy with this decision and we are settling.

I feel so blessed to have the ability to adopt. To have a mother select myself and my husband and entrust us to help raise her child is the greatest honor and experience I can imagine – definitely not an experience that is second best.

Holding Pattern

I think the hardest part about the adoption wait right now is not being able to look ahead and know what will be happening in your immediate future in 3 - 6 months from now. I book events and dates on my calendar at work and always wonder if I will be present at the event or meeting or will I be out on maternity leave. There is certainly no predicting when baby will come so you just move ahead and plan contingencies should you be out.

It is mostly wearing on me at present because I have a serious travel bug and would do anything to leave the country right now. (You aren't able to leave the U.S. until your adoption is finalized which is generally six months post-placement). I'm even reluctant to schedule travel within the U.S. not knowing what the future holds. I do have a trip scheduled in June to Houston. It felt really risky scheduling it months ago but as June swiftly approaches with no call from our agency I think we are certainly in the clear. I figured visiting my sister was the safest bet. Event if we did have baby, if I had the desire to travel with him/her we could always still complete the trip. We'd have a great place to bring baby and lots of help from the new aunt and uncle.

Right now I feel like we are in a holding patter until we know more. We would really like to sell our place and move to a home but we're reluctant to do so until we get baby. I know that our perspective will change once bambino comes into our lives and I'd like to go house hunting when we can look at things through the eyes of a parent. I know that we should be enjoying this time of freedom and fun (says all of our parent friends) but we're ready to get out of the holding patter and forge ahead to this next stage of our lives.

I know once our bambino comes into our lives it will seem like this wait was nothing but right now we are approaching a year and the wait has seemed so long.

Number 13

The wait for bambino continues. I haven't update the blog in awhile because I was having a bit of a pity party after our fire drill. That is improving because I truly know that at some point we will have a baby; however, my impatience is beginning to get the best of me.

It seems a little silly to cling to our number on the list since we've already been profiled and selected once but it is nice to have a reminder that we're closer each day to starting our family.

I know that the soon-to-be grandparents are anxiously awaiting bambino. My parents have prepared us with a car seat and Joel's mom knitted us a beautiful organic cotton baby blanket that we truly treasure. Joel's mom has also borrowed all of our Adoptive Families magazines to learn more about adoption and the entire process. We're so fortunate to have such supportive parents who are so eager to welcome bambino home!

Joel's Perspective on the Highs and Low of Adoption

This blog has exclusively been from my perspective on adoption; however, Joel posted a comment to my blog that I wanted to publish (with his blessing) since it's great to have his perspective:

"My sister wrote me an email offering her support - I've been meaning to post my perspective so I thought I would just share my response.

Thanks for the kind words. It has really helped that everyone has been so supportive. Yeah, we were close but the birth mother decided to parent. Jen and I were pretty sad for a couple of days but I think we’ve pretty much recovered and are feeling optimistic again.

Frankly, for me it’s almost good that I was able to experience this false start. The last minute rejection has always been a fear of mine. I couldn't imagine how terrible it would make me feel to be almost matched and have it fall through at the last moment. I've now come to see that having that fear affected how I approached the initial process of adopting. I went into this last match with lots of reservations, knowing it could fail and result in some pretty intense feelings of loss. I wanted to feel the excitement and intensity of the moment but wouldn't allow for fear of the consequences if it didn't happen. But you know what? After experiencing it, it’s not so bad.

Yeah, it sucks at first; you feel like somebody punched your gut pretty hard, but you move on. After a couple of days with some time to reflect and the support of friends and family, the situation doesn’t appear as bleak as it once did.

I've come to realize that just because this one opportunity didn't come to fruition, it doesn’t mean we’ve reached a final end. It just means that our baby, the one meant for us, is still out there. And now, moving forward, I don't carry that fear of rejection as much. The next time we have a potential match, I think I'll be able to enjoy it much more. I’ll allow myself to feel the wonder and excitement that this unique experience offers. Even if it doesn't happen and the match falls through at the last minute, I now realize that there are events in life that can be devastating, but a failed match is far from one of them."

The Morning After

So, for all my stoicism and "I'm just fine " yesterday, today was much harder. I woke up and it sort of sank in that I wouldn't be picking up bambino this morning. Of course, I knew that, but sleeping on it somehow made it worse and more real.

I think more than anything I was just thinking about how we might not have a girl. I don't really care what gender our baby is but knowing a gender is the closest we've ever come to parenting. I could actually think about having a baby girl. An African-American baby girl at that. That's the only opportunity I've had to this point to actually have a realistic mental image of our child. It's always an ambiguous baby with morphing gender and ethnicity. I think it was a little bit harder because I had a mental image of our baby.

I took today to work from home so that if I randomly burst into tears I didn't have to feel awkward and run for the bathroom. If anything, I'm definitely NOT a public cryer. It was nice to be at home, get work done, and have time to process. I'm feeling so much better this evening after having some time and space. I'm so grateful that if this had to happen it was over the course of four days rather than two months. I'm also wishing all the best to birth mom in her new journey.

My husband, friends, family, caseworker and colleagues have been so phenomenal through this process. It has really made me realize how loved and supported we are. That's an amazing gift to have.

Back on the List

I woke up this morning after very little sleep, cautiously optimistic about the prospect of meeting our child today. We had spent last night going through names on Post-it-Notes to come up with a short-list for our meeting today.

I couldn't sleep all night (as noted in my earlier 1 am posting). I know that movies make me pass out so I put on some bad Netflix film that Joel has refused to watch with me and ended up falling asleep on the couch. Joel was very sweet and woke me up on the couch and moved me to bed. He woke me up several hours later with a steaming latte. Nothing could be better. I woke up a little bit pessimistic and didn't have a great feeling but also knew that I can't predict the future and that I've had a range of emotions over the last twelve hours.

I did a couple of things for work and then hopped in the shower. I contemplated whether shaving my legs would have any baring on my future of parenting and decided to skip it to save time. I agonized over what to wear. If I was meeting our baby and birth mom had been in labor all night, maybe I should wear jeans. I also wanted to make a good impression. I settled on a casual skirt, shirt and boots. I didn't really look like a mom when I looked in the mirror - whatever that means, but, that's what went through my head. Maybe I should wear something more matronly. So silly. I decided to go with a skirt and black shirt accompanied by the necklace that I wore in our adoption video (just in case that sealed the deal) and my boots.

Joel and I decided to stop at Dazbog and grab a couple more coffees and breakfast burritos. We started our trek to south Aurora. We were on I-225 almost at the Mississippi exit when I got the dreaded call. I saw the blocked number on my cell phone and knew it was our caseworker- birth mom was feeling like she wanted to parent. She said that birth mom's caseworker was still trying to meet with her and our caseworker would call us back before noon to give us an update.

I signaled to Joel to turn around. I didn't really cry. I just wanted to drive somewhere else super fast. I asked Joel if we could head east on I-70. We headed past the airport toward Watkins. It felt really good to be moving and watching the landscape fly by me. Going home meant dealing with my reality and I need to avoid it for a little bit. After awhile, we decided to turn around. On our way back to Denver our caseworker called again. It was definitive- birth mom was going to be a parent. She told us that birth mom wanted us to know that it was nothing personal and that she really liked us. I think our hunch was right that she held baby and couldn't imagine being without her. I can certainly appreciate that. It wasn't our baby. Ours is yet to come.

Joel and I decided to go on a hike to get out some of the extra energy and angst. It was 70 degrees in January and there really wasn't a better day to hike. We got to spend time talking about how we were coping. Strangely, we both seemed to be coping with everything very well. I think years of infertility can prime you for disappointment and you know a little bit better how to roll with the punches.

We're now back on the list waiting for the next call. Today was super-hard and I wouldn't want to repeat it but it definitely confirmed that our baby is still out there somewhere.

She's in Labor

I received the message this afternoon that birth mom is in labor. I was expecting a call to tell us what time our meeting was the following day since I had been so scattered on the phone on Friday. My mind raced when I found out the news. How could she be in labor?!?! She's not due until February 25. I immediately called Joel to tell him the news. He was certainly in shock as well. I called our caseworker back and she informed us that birth mom had gone into labor and had been in contact with the agency. This certainly changes everything.

I quickly condensed five weeks of maternity leave planning at work into an hour long meeting that was also filled with advice on what baby products I absolutely needed and which were non-essential. It took me about three hours to get out of work with the prospect that I wouldn't be returning for three months.

On the drive home when I had time to be quiet, everything began to hit me. I called my sister and my parents and gave them both the news. It's definitely not as expected, but what has been up until this point?

When I arrived home I had so many emotions. I'm worried about birth mom realizing that at this very moment she is in horrible physical and emotional pain. I'm worried that the baby is being born five weeks early. I'm excited because I might have a baby in two days. I'm freaking out because I might have a baby in two days and don't have diapers, or a name for that matter.

I decided to do something to honor my feelings of helplessness and my anxiety surrounding birth mom and bambino's present states. Joel and I lit a "Laughter" candle and prayed for birth mom, the bambino and ourselves that everything would work out the way that it was meant to be. The outside of the candle has a prayer which seemed very appropriate: Let me see the bright side of life. Let the joy of laughter enter my life every day, bringing happiness and healing to my heart. I concentrated a lot on bringing happiness and healing to everyone's hearts in this situation.

It's now 12:45 am and I've slept for about an hour. I can't sleep. I'm so wound up with the multitude of possibilities in my head. I'm a mom beginning tomorrow; it was a false start- I'm not a mom yet. Is everyone okay? What are we naming her if she is truly our bambino? What should I wear tomorrow to meet birth mom? What do I say to her? She's going to be a complete wreck after having given birth. Has she held the baby yet? Did that change her mind? If she hasn't held the baby is the baby lonely in the nursery all by herself? Will she change her mind seems to be the most common theme. Tomorrow at 9:30 am can't come soon enough.

The Call

I spent the week in a conference in Portland with my colleagues from the Western region. On Thursday night, Joel flew in to spend a long weekend with me. I had a half day left of conference activities. While I was sitting in the conference, my phone was ringing. I received two calls from the same blocked number and then a voice message. I didn't really think anything of it and thought it might be Nina calling to give me an update from a date she had the night before.

The conference ended and I rushed back to the hotel to pack and check-out. After we checked-out of the hotel, we began to wander toward our lunch destination. I finally remembered that I had a voice message on my phone that I needed to check. The second I heard, "Hi, Jen. This is 'caseworker' from Adoption Options" I knew that this was "the call".

I immediately almost burst into tears with Joel trying to calm me down. We had no where private to go to make the call and nothing to write with. We ran across the street to a pharmacy, but, they had no pens. We then realized we were a few blocks from Powell's Books (my favorite bookstore). We ducked in there and quickly bought a Powell's pen and ran back outside to call our caseworker back.

She informed us that we had been chosen by a family. Birth om had watched our profile and chose us. She had watched four other videos and began to jump up and down when she saw Joel and I. She liked our sense of humor and thought we seemed fun. The next step is to set-up a meeting with our caseworker and her caseworker for a formal presentation and then meet birthmom the next day. Today is Friday and this was all to happen on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. Everything seems very positive and like it should work out very well.