Work

Today was my first day back to work. I tried my hardest not to think about it all weekend. I even tried not to think about it this morning in the shower and tried to think about how fun it will be to see everyone and to have adult conversation. I didn't cry at all while I was getting ready or putting on my makeup.

I made my way downstairs and decided to make myself an espresso as it seemed as if Joel and Nora were still asleep. A few moments later I heard Joel on the stairs and he had Nora. He came down to make me a latte (so sweet!). I took one look at Nora and burst into tears. I thought I was going to make it out the door unscathed since Joel was staying at home with her. I broke down about two more times before I finally made it out the door. I kept looking at her thinking, "how could I be leaving you?". Hello, mommy guilt!

Work was fine and I'm sure this will become the new normal. I'm really blessed that I don't have the really hard day until March 9 when I have to take her to day care. Lesson learned: makeup will be applied as I'm pulling into work that day.

Last Day of Leave and First Visit with C and J

Today is my last day of my leave where it will just be Nora and I. My sister and her husband are in town for the holidays so we've been having lots of family time. (My sister is holding Nora in this photo). Joel is going to be starting paternity leave this afternoon and will be off through the beginning of March. I've enjoyed my time at home but it's also been challenging. The first six weeks were a little bit hard as Nora had a really hard time after she ate and didn't sleep so well at night. Now she's so easy. I'm attuned to her rhythms and needs and can calm her crying usually within 5 minutes. Now I can almost intuitively know what she needs. She's such a good eater now and has an awesome "sailor burp" with almost no effort which has eliminated most of her fussiness. We've established some loose patterns and I finally feel like I have the hang of this now that I'm passing the baton.

She is even becoming a better sleeper. She woke last night at 2 am and then not again until 6:30. Life with Nora is becoming so much easier and she's so much fun. This little girl has A LOT of personality. She's incredibly independent. If you try to hold her when she's in her "active mode" she arches her back and protests loudly. She likes to be on her own kicking around and talking. She'd love for you to chat with her but just don't restrict her movement. We jokingly call her "Free Bird". She loves sitting in her bouncy seat and having a conversation. I'm only able to sneak some snuggle time when she's hungry or tired (ie sleeping). She's also very vocal about her needs. She is very assertive and will scream like she's being tortured if she's not happy but the second you fix the issue she calms down instantly. C's nickname is "The General" so I think I know where her assertive personality comes from.

It's funny how this is the case as I've always said there would be some sort of meant-to-be connection between us and her birth family. I've always wanted a very assertive, independent daughter (even though the teen years are going to be absolute hell). Even while picking baby names I made sure that the girl names were strong names that a 30 year old woman would not be embarrassed to have. So, I think it's so funny that we got our assertive little girl.

Speaking of C and J, we will have our first visit with them on Sunday. We have invited them to Nora's baptism. I think C's mom will also join us. I'm so glad that they'll get to see Nora right after the holidays. It's been hard to know how things are going to unfold in our relationship with C and J as all of our communication is through the agency. They've only asked for updates from us but we've offered visits. We're not sure if this is what they want going forward so it will be nice to see them in person. A lot can get lost over a game of telephone. We've been told they are doing well but it will be nice to be able to chat in person and see how they feel about future visits with Nora. We certainly don't want to push anything on them but we also don't want them to think they're not welcome in our lives.

I'm a little bit nervous for our visit because I know it's going to be emotional. We're meeting them an hour before the baptism. We'll then all go to mass, have the baptism and then say our goodbyes. It will be hard to have this emotional experience and then have to interact with all of our guests who are attending the baptism. I'm worried because I don't want anyone to say anything wacky to C and J. I also feel a little awkward because our guest are coming back to our house afterwards. I don't want C and Js feelings to be hurt but I also don't feel ready to invite them over and I would imagine they probably don't want to hang our with all of our family and friends either. I'm having a lot of anxiety surrounding this whole baptism because there is so much going on within those few hours and it's so hard to know what the "right" thing to do is so I'm just going with my gut.

During the baptism they ask the mother and father to stand with Nora. I've told the deacon that I'd like C and J to join us during this time but I'm not sure if this is what they would like. I guess I won't know until we have a chance to ask them right before the ceremony. I just want for them to feel included, loved and honored and this is what is causing my stress. I've put together a little gift for them. It's a framed picture of Nora and then a HUGE stack of photos over the last three months. I debated doing something more but I'm having a weird hang up about giving C and J material things that are not related to Nora or the adoption because I don't want to devalue or monetize our relationship. If anyone has any great ideas I can pull off (other than the photo in a nice frame) before Sunday please let me know. Also, if anyone has any advice that would be helpful to me, please share.

Wow, this is what happens when I don't blog for a few days!

Work

Since I've been on maternity leave, I haven't thought about work too much (or at least as much as I had thought - thank you great team!). I have thought about what it's going to be like going back to work. How did I feel about going back? What will be the effect on Nora? What will be the effect on me? It doesn't really matter either way because not going back isn't an option (please see adoption and new house:). However, I got my answer yesterday.

There was an inaugural event at my work and despite being on maternity leave, I really wanted to see the event unfold so that I had a sense of what it would be like next year. I went to work for a little bit yesterday and it was so fantastic. It was so nice to catch up with all of my colleagues and to watch an event that benefits children unfold and come to fruition. I left the event feeling really energized and remembered how much I love my job. I'm so glad that I was able to work yesterday and have the piece of mind that, while going back to work will be extremely difficult, it is something that also brings me joy and satisfaction in addition to a paycheck. I have a great job that helps kids and I get to work with truly amazing people. I'm so grateful for that experience yesterday to put my mind and heart at ease.

Maternity Leave

I walked out of the office for possibly the last time yesterday until after my maternity leave. Everything is in order and now I can put work out of my mind. My sister and brother-in-law are coming out today so I had already scheduled taking time off this week. I decided to take an extra day today because I needed to get things in order. Depending when labor begins I might not be back to work until January 4- yikes and hooray!

The "getting things in order" aren't exactly what you'd expect. I had a revelation on the way to work on Monday when I was in a nice dry clean only turtleneck and dress pants- I have no casual clothes. I have one or two outfits for the weekend but that's it! Even my jeans are hemmed to wear with heeled boots. I had the sad realization that I was going to be in my sock monkey pajamas for the next three months if I didn't do something. I made a quick trip to Old Na.vy and bought 6 long sleeved plain shirts ($10 each - not bad) and a pair of jeans that can be worn with tennis shoes, clogs, slippers, socks or whatever my sleep deprived mind might put on my feet. So funny that this was my panicked shopping trip. Apparently for me they also need a list of what mom might need on maternity leave.

I also was OBSESSED with how much I hated our laundry area. After going through diaper washing boot camp this weekend I realized I'd be spending a lot of time in the 100 + year old unfinished portion of our basement. I dropped a clean baby sock and picked it up covered in dust bunnies and that is when the melt down began. One trip to Ta.rget and one $14 rug later and my sanity has been restored. It's the little things.

So, I'm putting the finishing touches on the house and baby room both for bambino (still scared to use her name) and for my sister and brother-in-law.

K is due tomorrow so I'm just taking one day at a time and keeping my cell phone glued to me (or at present in the pocket of my sock money pjs).