C Student

Being a working mom is a hard job. Being a mom alone is a challenge but then adding a full 40+ hours of work, friends, family and life on top of that and it's impossible to really do a good job at any of it. I used to be an "A" student in my life. I'd send cards in a timely manner, keep the house somewhat organized, be an attentive wife and generally be on top of things. Now, I'm a C student bordering on a D+ in all aspects of my life and I'm coming to accept it.

Some months I excel in some areas more than others but I'm coming to realize that good enough is going to have to be good enough - there are only so many hours in the day. Maybe this is what adjusting to new roles in life is all about - making room for those new roles and letting go of all of the rest. This new attitude is a work in progress but it is refreshing to realize one person can all do so much.

The Call

One year ago today I received a call while I was at work to let me know that I was finally going to be a mother. Joel and I had been selected by birthparents to parent their baby girl that was due in September. I remember being filled with excitement and panic all at once and how we got to work right away on figuring out what needed to be done to our newly purchased house to get ready for bambino.

It's crazy to think that a year has passed since that initial introduction to our daughter, Nora. I look at her now and each day she looks less like a baby and more like a little girl. The time is moving so quickly, yet, I'm savoring each moment and each stage. I feel beyond blessed to have received that call and to have Nora as my daughter.

I Need a Wife

Joel and I have been watching the HBO series on polygamy, Big Love, and it's got me thinking that I need a wife. It's impossible for me to work, take care of Nora and make sure that the house is in order. I also am not great at some domestic tasks. I'm a great cook and I can clean but it took me an obscenely long time to fix the hem in my pants and iron them. So, I'm looking for a wife.

Not just any wife, either. I can't have a clone of myself. I'm a twenty-first century wife with some domestic skills and a good education but I need a pioneer woman to complete our family. I need a wife who is hardy, knows how to darn a sock and hem pants and use an iron. Until we're able to time travel, embrace polygamy and add said woman to our family, I think our house will always just barely be clean, pants will be taken to the alterations place, shirts will be taken to the dry cleaner to be ironed and closets will never really be organized.

Joel's a great man and does a lot around the house but even the best of men can't multi-task and get things done like a woman. I'm taking applications for anyone interested. Your payment is great home-cooked meals, time with a super-cute baby and lots of love and admiration from this domestically-challenged woman.

Exhausted

This week being a working mom has really caught up with me. I've felt sick all week alternating between a sinus issue and a stomach bug but in reality I think I'm just exhausted. Work has been really busy and has included evenings and weekends and I think I'm just super tired. The good news is I have a few hours of work today and then I'm off on Monday and Tuesday. Hooray!

It's a sad state of affairs when you are fantasizing about mopping your floors and organizing your closets but I'm really looking forward to getting my life back in order. I'm also looking forward to putting together a book for Nora that tells her adoption story. I know I have a lot on the list for just a few days off but I'm really looking forward to even crossing a few things off that long list.

Nora seems like she's grown so much in the past week. She is now in her 6 month clothes (almost at 8 months) and seems to have gotten longer. Her speed at rolling across the floor and grabbing things is also astounding and literally changed over night. I can't take my eyes off of her for even a second or she's rolled across the floor and has grabbed my purse or is about to grab a bone out of the dog's bed. It's so incredible how much she changes each day.

Mother's Day

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about Mother's Day this year. I remember the feeling of excitement on the Mother's Day when we were first trying to get pregnant and my anticipation of celebrating the next year with a baby of my own. The subsequent Mother's Days during infertility and the adoption wait were always a mix of some glimmer of hope, sadness and frustration. Going to church on Mother's Day felt like the ultimate torture as the church was crammed with families, babies and moms. It was so hard and it took everything in my power for me not to burst into tears being surrounded by so many moms and in many ways being angry at God and the universe for the fact that I too couldn't be a mom.

Mother's Day to me this year seems more exciting than Christmas. I've been waiting so long to celebrate this holiday with a child of my own and I left work on Friday giddy to celebrate with all of the other moms on Sunday. It's such a special holiday to me this year and one that I feel privileged to celebrate for the first time.

My thoughts will be with all of those who are still waiting to celebrate their first Mother's Day. I know what a painful holiday it can be.

Finally, a HUGE congratulations to E on celebrating her first Mother's Day! I've followed E for such a long time and I'm so ecstatic for her to, as she put it, finally be a mom!

Errands with a Baby

This post is a little bit ridiculous as Nora is almost 6 months old but I am going to admit that I've never really run Saturday errands with her. Joel or I have been on leave at all times so that person would usually go shopping when the other person got home to give them a break. Now we're both exhausted, full-time working parents.

I woke up yesterday with a huge list of errands that needed to be run. I also knew that Joel had wanted to spend the day homebrewing so I was exclusively caring for Nora. I honestly felt daunted about the number of errands and taking her along. I'm such a baby! I just hate to shop and try to be as stealth as possible and there's nothing stealth about lugging around a 6 month old in a car seat. I created a plan and hit the road with Nora in tow.

I was able to get my seed starter pots at the garden store, pick up infant sunscreen at the health food store, get my dry cleaning (at which point I realized I might as well be buying new sweaters every week), run to the pet food store and then hit the grocery store. Nora was awesome. It was so fun to take her out and explain to her what we were doing.

The hardest part is that I live in an urban area and so all of the places I shop are tiny with tiny aisles. The maneuvering was a bit of a nightmare. I think I need to use our sling or the Ergo next time we go. It seemed like a hassle to take her in and out of her car seat but when she was in the cart I constantly felt like she was going to somehow tip over or some crazy person (my grocery store is FILLED with crazy people) was going to do something to her. I also was totally paranoid when the checker started taking the groceries out of my cart and then Nora ended up on the side with the checker. I just have a weird fear that someone is going to steal her. (If you shopped at my grocery store- you would too).

When I got home Joel informed me that he never goes to that grocery store with her and drives out to a more suburban store with bigger aisles and less crazy people. So, Joel is not hardier than me just smarter. Had I thought of the lovely suburban store with the big aisles and other people with children the trip might not have seemed so overwhelming. Such a smart husband!

All in all it was a great outing. Nora got to take a couple of naps and I got to hear how cute she is from total strangers. It also, strangely, reinforced that I am finally a mom running errands on a Saturday with my daughter.

Routine Needed

I've realized that I'm a creature of habit, as most of us probably are, and I've realized that I'm craving some sort of routine. I'm anxious about what our life will be like when Joel goes back to work and what sort of routine we might fall into. I really can't fathom getting three people out of the house in the morning. As anxious as I am about both of us being back to work, I'm also anxious to get settled into a routine.

I'm also feeling pressured to get our lives in order before Joel goes back to work. I'm absolutely exhausted so I took yesterday off of work to get caught up on life and sleep. I spent most of the day with Nora and took a long nap on the couch with her yesterday. I cleaned our bedroom and got some laundry in order. I have a lot more to do today but I feel like I need to capitalize on the few weekends left before our lives get that much crazier with both of us working.

I've been going into work early lately so it will be interesting to see what schedule and rhythm I land on with getting all of us ready, taking Nora to daycare (in the opposite direction of my job) and then going to work. I know everyone else in the world does it so we will be fine. I consider myself a pretty organized person but I think I'm going to have to be even more so as we figure out our new lives.

Nora is 5 months old and I have to remind myself of that a lot. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed or forget how different our lives are but I have to remember that our lives have been changed for only five months. That's a lot of transition in a short amount of time. Of course, I think that our lives have changed for the better but I keep catching myself when making plans to remember that things aren't the way they used to be- and I'm glad for it.

Paranoia

In my job, I am exposed to a lot of very dramatic stories related to children's health. I basically spend most of January and February talking to parents who have been through the worst things that any of us can possibly imagine with their children- brain tumors, SIDS, cancer, open heart surgery and the list goes on. This, under the best of circumstances, can make me a bit crazy.

Being back to work as a new mom and having parents relay to me the worst moments of their life is very intense. I have to constantly remind myself to take a step back. Every story always starts the same, so and so was healthy and then we noticed blah blah blah and then so and so ended up in the hospital with horrible life threatening issue.

So, here is my crazy confession. Nora keeps grabbing her head in the same spot. Every day she grabs her head in the same spot. Crazy mom brain tells me that she has a brain tumor and I should mention it to the doctor tomorrow. Normal, sane Jen tells crazy mom that she clearly is fine and has no other signs of a brain tumor. This is the space I am currently residing. Crazy land.

I will act like a normal human being tomorrow at the doctor. However, I am going to inquire about her obsession with one particular spot on her head without mentioning the word tumor. I will also let the doctor know that I work at a children's hospital which makes me slightly more paranoid and crazy than the general population. Other than that, I'm pretty excited to find out how much she weighs. I am asked how much she weighs more than I would have ever imagined but I just can't bring myself to get on a scale these days. (I think it's karmick punishment for gloating about not having baby weight- see earlier post).

All important stats on my lovely four month old will be posted tomorrow. (Hopefully, the pediatrician doesn't recommend that I find a new practice).

Firsts

Nora turned six weeks old yesterday and this past week she has begun to smile more and more. Over the last two days we have begun to get very real smiles when she sees us and it is the most incredible experience in the world. Tuesday as I was holding her and talking to her, per usual, she just began to smile and smile and look right up at me. I began sobbing because I have waited so long for this very experience. Yes, I have waited forever (it seems like) for a baby. But, I've actually waited more precisely for the moment when I can gaze into my child's eyes and she recognizes me and smiles back. This moment melted me and made me feel like a real mom. I couldn't wait for Joel to get home. I asked him to go see her and she smiled on cue when he walked over. He picked her up and started talking to her and she was just beaming at her daddy. Again, I cried on cue. There is really nothing that compares to your baby smiling at you for the first time. For some reason, she seems so real to me now.

I am getting ready to go out with a friend. (I know it seems like I go out all the time but I really don't, it's just momentous so I write about it). I had Nora in the sling as I was getting ready and putting on makeup. (If you follow my blog, you know this is the time when I think about adoption and babies and usually have a revelation or break down). It was really profound to be singing songs to her and putting on makeup and then looking in the mirror and realizing I had Nora in a sling and I wasn't thinking about adoption or what life was going to be like with a baby. This is what life is like with a baby- singing "Going to California" (because I know no child appropriate songs) and looking at us both in the mirror.

Sleep Deprivation and Doggie Depression

Sleep deprivation can be a funny thing (unless you are my dog). I just looked down and realized after being awake for over four hours and - here's the key- after half a latte - that my tops and bottoms to my pjs don't match. It really doesn't matter if they match or not as I'm just sitting on my couch hanging out with my favorite baby but it's a little disturbing that I didn't notice until now.

I also tend to forget my poor dog outside. He's not an outdoor dog and is sure to remind me of this after he's been left outside for awhile with a whine or a bark. Poor guy. His mom's heads not in the game anymore and what little brain capacity is left is being dedicated to caring for Nora.

I think the dog is getting depressed. He doesn't come very quickly when we call him and he spent a good portion of the morning hanging out in his kennel and had to be coaxed out this morning to go to the bathroom. He's been our fur kid for six years so it's no wonder he's having a hard time. Poor guy. Probably nothing a long walk later today can't cure.

A New Identity: Mom

I've always been a very independent person and have always held closely to my own identity. It's so interesting now being a mom and adding that to the list of what makes me who I am. I didn't have the perspective that I am now a mom until I left the house yesterday for the first time by myself in 3 weeks. Yes, I have been caring for my daughter for 3 weeks now but sometimes my synapses aren't all firing when I'm doing laundry or changing diapers. It took the perspective of being out of the house for it to hit me that I am someone's mom.

Strangely, I was waiting in line for a flu shot at our local grocery store when I realized- I'm a mom. I'm going to buy things for my daughter today. It took leaving the house and feeling like my "old self" again running errands to reinforce that I am actually a mom. I am going to be coming home to my daughter and this is my new life.

It's also interesting that I've always been an extremely career-driven person and have always worked really hard professionally and I haven't really given a thought about work since I've been gone. (Sorry colleagues, but, I know you are all kicking butt without me). It's so nice to be able to focus on other aspects of myself for a change. Especially since I have defined myself so much by my work in my life. It's nice to be able to rediscover that I'm not a one dimensional person. Just an interesting revelation I thought I'd share. Strange when things hit you while waiting in line for a shot. It's nice to have a few quiet minutes to think I suppose.

Nora is doing great. Now is her active time and she's on her play mat making cute little noises and discovering her own reflection in the mirror. (I've uploaded a video. It's not the most exciting thing you'll ever watch but I'm a proud mom:).

It's so fun to have her awake during more of the day and watching her discover things. I know it's only going to get more fun!

Adjusting to Life with Baby

Life with baby has been an adjustment. She's precious and beautiful but I'd be lying if I'd say it's all a bed of roses. At 2 am when I'm on what I've dubbed the "salt mine" shift I'm tired and can't imagine how I'm going to do this. When I sleep for 4 hours (hooray!) and wake up to relieve Joel I think she's the most amazing thing in the world and can't wait to get down the stairs to see her. So, that's motherhood so far.

I feel like we've really made progress on our learning curve. Diapering, feeding, changing clothes and all other "tasks" are going great. Sleeping, however, is not. She does not like to be put down and will cry once she leaves our arms. So, we've devised the shift plan. One parent on from 10 am - 3 am and then the other on from 3 am - 7 am. She sleeps a bit from 7 am - 10 am and then the day begins. She was a bit more awake during her doctor's appointment today so I'm hoping that is a sign that she's going to join our time zone.

She's a pretty easy baby and is super easy to comfort. I feel like I've picked up on her cues pretty quickly and she hasn't really cried for no reason yet. She's pretty easy to console and has been fun. She's not awake very much but when she is I love to watch her facial expressions.

The sling is a life saver. Joel is wearing it right now and it's great. Having two hands to do things makes such a difference. I also have been saved by The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. It's indispensable.

The house is a mess, our living room has become mission control and the dog is a little extra needy but all and all I'd say life is good and we're happy to have Nora home.