It's so funny how the wait and emotions in adoption and infertility can sometimes creep up on you. Just when you think it's temporarily out of your consciousness, something will sneak up on you and take you by surprise. I had two of these incidents in the last two days.On Sunday I was watching L.aw & O.rder and the episode featured a pregnant woman who was in a car accident and ended up going into labor and delivering the baby pre-term. For some reason, this made me want to burst into tears. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why except that it reminded me that I wanted a baby and I'd been waiting more than 9 months. Not that I envied her scenario but it got to me somehow.
The next morning I was in a staff meeting and a video was shown about one of our patients (I work at a pediatric hospital). The video featured a baby who would not have survived without the help of our facility. It showed the happy family so blessed to be holding the baby that they didn't think would make it. Of course, everyone in the room was crying, but, I wasn't emotional for the obvious reason. The story was very touching and did make me want to cry for the family but, again, it was hitting me at a very different level yesterday. It was reminding me that I'm not there yet- I'm still waiting. Again, they went through a terrible ordeal to be with their child and it wasn't jealousy that I felt but more feeling irritated and sorry at my situation.
It's so funny how your emotions will give you a reality check every now and then to remind you that you are still on your journey and the experiences you have had and the grieving that you have done are not that easy to shake off and sometimes things are a little more fresh than you'd like to acknowledge.
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I also have those moments when something happens and I am right back to grieving what I have lost through infertility. I had a moment several months ago when a friend of the family decided she would announce her pregnancy in a restaurant after dinner. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't move. I would never want to deny anyone their happiness in having children, but what a reminder about what I don't have yet. All we can do is keep living our lives and doing our best.
ReplyDeleteYES! I get it- even two kids later! I read on a blog where a woman was announcing her pregnancy and she said "being pregnant is my favorite thing in this world." And I felt agitated by that. All the feelings of something being taken from me came flooding back. Although adoption is a dream come true, it doesn't heal the broken pieces of our heart. May you feel God's peace today in your wait...
ReplyDeleteWell I think even more so with infertility and the adoption wait because it's grief that is unacknowledged by the general public. That means we HAVE to tuck it away and move on with our daily grind, whether we want to/feel ready to or not. I think that's why the moments sneak up on you...because it's always there, thinly veiled under the surface as you go about your days.
ReplyDeleteI remember once, years ago when a "friend" started telling me horror stories along the lines of, "you think your life is bad...well check this out." This was right after I had confided in him that I was having a really hard time with infertility. Hence the word friend in quotation marks. :)
Hang in there. It IS hard, and your grief and sadness ARE valid. Give yourself the time you need to process the yucky stuff, and then tuck it away again until the next time. At some point, it will all make sense, and you will be able to see why you had to wait so long and hurt so much.
Hugs,
Melba